Prediction, and a Home Run Derby Diary

Bobby Abreu's display in the home-run derby was amazing, but this writer is predicting he won't win anything. David Ortiz will take the prize.

Update: OK, so I just finished my andouille sausages, beans and rice and, lacking anything worthwhile to do, I've decided to turn this into a running diary, a la Sports Guy.

9:58 p.m.: Papi Ortiz also just broke the old record, becoming the second guy to do so in the last 10 minutes. The dudes might not be juiced anymore, but the ball sure is. This guy is sure to demand the ball appear before his committee of dunces, no doubt.

10:01 p.m.: Chris Berman just mentioned Dick Vitale, and then imitated him. That's like Will Hung covering a Yoko Ono song. I just threw up in my mouth, then on the keyboard. Hold on, I've got to wipe it ofasd;lkh;lkshdfda;;ajeopiq. Alright, that's better.

10:05 p.m.: Der Commisar Bud Selig is talking to Berman and the unfairly hated Joe Morgan about the globalization of baseball and how great that is. He's right. In addition to outsourcing the game -- to Canada, for instance, and, um, Canada -- baseball has more international stars than ever before. That's all fine and good. Still, I hate him.

10:10 p.m.: Right at the tail end of a bit where Berman and Morgan are questioning Selig about the Kenny Rogers cameraman-bashing -- and the camera splits to Rogers, who's at the game -- a hard foul ball heads down the first baseline towards seated various camera crews. "Oh, he hit a cameraman," Berman said. "Oh, it sailed past." You can't script that.

10:12 p.m.: So the crew has been speaking now for about nine minutes to Selig during Abreu's second-round at-bats. Way to sap any momentum out of the event, guys.

10:18 p.m.: Selig just said that he's not opposed to congressional action on steroid testing, even though "it's always better if you can solve your own problems." And, if you can't -- and you're baseball -- you can always convince some local politicians and businessmen to steal a few hundred million dollars of taxpayers' money to build a new stadium. Covering all his bases, so to speak, Selig also said he will personally "rid the game" of steroids.

10:20 p.m.: Selig finally leaves. I think fifteen minutes with him has left me the only remaining viewer of this sorry affair. Bring on Papi!

10:30 p.m.: Morgan just referred to things happening on the "pariphial" of the new stadium in Detroit. Berman then called Detroit a "proud city." Right.

10:31 p.m.: A kid just ran behind new Slimfast spokesman Pudge Rodriguez while he was batting. It was not Dusty Baker's kid.

10:36 p.m.: Pudge just went yard to left twice, with two monster shots. This is where I should be worried about Papi's chances for the finals. Nah.

10:39 p.m.: Pudge is in the finals. This year (I don't think it's been the case before) hitters can choose their pitcher -- and Pudge thanked his. It's only a matter of time before these batting-practice pitchers become household names, like Tiger Woods's caddy whatshisname.

10:41 p.m.: Some guy who I swear stole my dad's mustache just won a Chevy.

10:42 p.m.: Papi's up. I think he asked Mariano Rivera to pitch to him, but the fruit bat declined.

10:44 p.m.: I can hear it now in the booth. "Hey, one of our cameramen has a shot up lined up looking up one of the player's (Abreu?) 12-year-old daughter's skirt. Let's cut to it in the middle of Ortiz's at-bat!"

10:45 p.m.: Same shot up skirt, but with a slightly more artistic angle.

10:47 p.m.: Ortiz just took 5 balls, then sent a 400-foot pop-up for an out. Wonderful.

10:50 p.m.: Papi's down to his last out, and needs four more homers to advance. I have faith.

10:51 p.m.: What do I know? Papi flied out. It's Abreu v. Pudge in the finals. No interest, and I'm starting to get a burn. So I'm done here.