I’m Hoping for a Drunken Shag Tonight, In Fact

According to the thoroughly fair & balanced foxnews.com, British bureaucrats are fed up that liquor companies use attractive men in their ads.

Upset by an ad for Lambrini wine coolers that showed three fun-loving single gals "hooking" a hunky bloke, the prissy bureaucrats wrote, according to the Times of London: "We would advise that the man in the picture should be unattractive — overweight, middle-aged, balding etc."

In fact, the [Committee of Advertising Practice’s] new rules forbid "the implication that drinking alcohol is essential to the success of a social occasion" and mandate that "links must not be made between alcohol and seduction, sexual activity or sexual success."

This crazy regulation raises numerous issues. For starters, it assumes that overweight and balding men can’t be attractive. This isn’t just sizeist and hairist, it’s just plain wrong. Benny Hill shagged lots of women. The rule also denies a central fact of life: there is a link between alcohol and sexual success. In fact, alcohol is the great equalizer. After only five to six shots of tequila, I’m equal to Brad Pitt in most women’s eyes. More importantly, I’m equal to Brad Pitt in my eyes after only a couple of shots. You can't put a price on that kind of self-worth. (Actually, you can: about $8.)