Starring Ben Dover

I have a good idea for a thought-provoking pornographic movie based (loosely) on the hit movie Stand By Me. It will be a gay coming-of-age movie called Stand Behind Me. Besides the fact that I only have a little experience making porn (and no experience making gay porn), the biggest obstacle my dream faces is the Republican Congress. Not content with merely trampling on civil liberties and wasting taxpayer dollars, Republicans are now jeopardizing national security by diverting federal agents from investigating suspected terrorist plots to cracking down on consensual, adult porn.

From the Washington (com)Post:

Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as "one of the top priorities" of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales..

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

The Republican Congress began funding the porn squad this year and has even gone so far as to mandate that the FBI devote 10 agents to adult pornography. How many people will die during the next terrorist attack because these agents were tracking down the makers of Anal Chiropractor and Moulin Splooge? (what? don't blame me, they're real porno movies. See 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles).

I'm very worried that the FBI will shut down www.Boobs4BourbontSt.com, which is raising money for Katrina relief by encouraging women to e-mail them pictures of their naked breasts. (To see these pictures you have to contribute $5 to one of several charities helping families affected by Katrina.) They've raised more than $13,000 already.

So, please spend some time today looking at porn. For the children.

And if you have nice boobs, please send a picture of them to www.boobs4BourbonSt.com. If you know me, feel free to come over tonight and show your boobs to me. I'll cut a check to the charity of your choice in the morning. For the children, of course.