Bull-Shit

I work hard and play hard, which sometimes takes a toll. Cocaine would fix that problem, but I don't know any high school students to score it from. So, instead I'm left taking a legal speedball - Red Bull & Vodka - with the hopes that it will give me energy to clean my apartment. It does. But, it doesn't give me the necessary will to do so.

Over at Slate, Sam Eifling puts seven popular "energy" drinks to the test:

First, do they taste like something a person would want to consume, or like chewable aspirin? Second, how do they affect my mental state, including focus, alertness, mood, and ability to play an electronic version of the board game Boggle? Third, how do they affect the way my body feels, both in terms of physical harmony and strenuous activities such as swimming, running, pickup basketball, push-ups, and coin-op arcade basketball? In other words, are these truly "performance" drinks?

Red Bull comes in third-to-last:

There's no endurance in these cans. To test the claim of "increased stress" I play Boggle while watching Family Guy and emerge with wildly varying scores. My stomach feels sour and a headache brews. Verdict: Beats a trip to the emergency room, but I'm surprised this little can holds half the domestic market, considering how blah it is.

The best energy drink, according to Eifling? Rockstar Energy Cola.

Tastes: Pleasantly metallic. Like a cross between Coke and pennies. Effects: I drink a can while on deadline. I'm keenly focused, and I'm typing sentences almost too quickly, spitting them out before I finish evaluating them in my head. Meanwhile, my foot bounces on the floor. With a little more verve than usual, I drop to the floor and pound out 15 push-ups in the time usually required to do five. The Boggle scores are on the low side, but no vitamin or caffeine headache accompany this beverage. In fact, it's kind of fun. Verdict: Better for you than a can of Coke, and it doesn't leave that squeaky residue on your teeth.