He Smoke Plenty Each Day

Funnyman David Sedaris on smoking bans (and lots more):

I think what really turned the tide is when they said, 'Those smokers are costing you money.' That's when everybody starting looking at smokers like they had their hands in their pockets.

But I always thought, and correct me if I'm wrong, but if I die from lung cancer in eight years, isn't that saving you money, cause I can't collect my social security? And I have health insurance, so I'm not relying on anyone to pay for my lung cancer.

Even in Italy, where you can't smoke in restaurants and buildings and stuff, you still don't get that look that you get in the United States. That look when you're smoking outside the airport and people walk by and they cough.

But then you go to a hellhole like Dallas, Texas, and you have to walk like 500 feet before you can smoke, outside the airport. And everyone is driving by in a big SUV. If you lock yourself in a garage with an SUV, you will die. If you lock yourself in a garage with a cigarette, nothing will happen to you. But the cigarette is the problem.

I think it's because the government can't do anything about drugs. But they can do something about cigarettes. And they're like, 'We're just working our way up to drugs.'

And remember ... whenever they want to put up the price of gas they say, this is going to be harmful to poor people. But they never say that when they rise the price of cigarettes.

This made me laugh out loud:

I have these little diary entries about monkeys. I read them and they work well. And I got a letter from this women who wrote, 'The first time you said monkey I laughed. And the second time you said it I saw you for what you are, a racist. In case you didn't know African-Americans were referred to as monkeys for years.'

I wrote back and said, 'Well, monkeys were referred to as monkeys longer.'

More here.