The World We Live In

If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit. A New Jersey man charged with public masturbation has a novel defense, he can't master his own domain because he doesn't have one. The real crime is that you can get 18 months for masturbating in your car in New Jersey. Don't policymakers know that is the only way driving through New Jersey is enjoyable?

If It Offends, You Must Convict. Note to politicians: Think twice before sending that e-mail promoting Breast Appreciation Day. Think even twicer about suggesting that Breast Appreciation Day is better than Martin Luther King Day. (Disclaimer: I appreciate breasts.)

God Damn UV Junkies Bringing Down Our Property Values. According to a new study, tanning beds are as addictive as heroin. Yeah, but is writing public health studies addictive?

Is It Hot in Here? Note to teens: If you spill gas on yourself in the dark, don't use a lighter to see how wet you are.

I'll Drink to That. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has temporarily suspended its policy of arresting drunk people in bars for public intoxication. 100 state employees who had way too much time on their hands before now have even more so.

Why Can't Somebody Else Pay for the Things I Want? 6 out of 10 Americans think the current tax system is unfair. And by unfair they mean that they should pay less and others should pay more. Something for nothing is the American dream.

Make Money. Make Money, Money, Money. Take Money. Take Money, Money, Money. Palestinian police get paid the ski mask way. Literally.

These Nerds Have Balls of Matza. A group of Jewish ultra-Orthodox hackers is waging a war against pornographic websites, replacing their content with nothing but the picture of a revered rabbi. Obviously they really need to get laid.

Bush Says Rumsfeld Crucial to Winning the War on Terror. That is the punchline.