Scientology is One Kick Ass Religion

Tom "Placenta" Cruise has set off what will soon become a national uproar by telling Katie Holmes, who just had their baby two weeks ago, that she has to get her fat ass into the gym right away so she's not a porker by their wedding. Sue Fleming, the owner of - I shit you not - 'Buff Brides', which specializes in fitness programs for future brides, had this to say

"Katie can and will do it. She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this programme...He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that."

Ahhhhh. What a charmer. Talk about a match made in Heaven. Or Mars. Or wherever it is that Scientologists think you go when you die.

and then there is this bit of religious garbage

Tom Cruise is reportedly so worried about people sifting through his trash to get his personal details, that he has appointed a guard to keep security of his trash. A source revealed that the actor not only had his Scientology bodyguard take out the trash, but also made sure that the guard remained next to it till the garbage truck came around to collect it.

You Christians, Muslims and Jews don't have your own individual mystical bodyguard/garbageman do you, bitches? Didn't think so. God, your religions suck.

and, finally, these profound words from a man who is really just like you and me

Actor Tom Cruise says he has found a perfect way to unwind - flying around in his personal jet. Cruise is not too interested in yoga or a glass of wine when he wants to relax. He prefers to fly in his jet, Contacmusic reported. He says, "I am not all work, work, work. I do duck out and fly my plane to de-stress. Everyone says, 'Where is Tom?' as I scream past, shattering the windows."