Who Doesn't Like Hot Monkey Sex?

We've all hooked up with someone that we didn't want others to know about. Someone not that attractive. Maybe the person was outright stupid. Or boring. But, we needed to get laid. And god damn it, we kept going back and hitting it. Over and over again. Secretly. So our friends wouldn't find out. What? You've never done anything like that? I see. I guess you were the ugly person that people were afraid to admit they were screwing.

I raise all this because scientists now believe that humans and chimpanzees used to sneak off and do it with each other. A lot. And the sex was so hot it was hard to give up.

According to the new theory, chimps and humans shared a common apelike ancestor much more recently than was thought. Furthermore, when the two emerging species split from each other, it was not a clean break. Some members of the two groups seem to have interbred about 1.2 million years after they first diverged -- before going their separate ways for good.

If this theory proves correct, it will mean modern people are descended from something akin to chimp-human hybrids.

Chimp-human hybrids? You me like what would happen if David Spade and Heather Locklear had a baby? Which may never happen because they've broken up.

The star of "The Showbiz Show" hooked up with Locklear after her split from rocker hubby Richie Sambora, and reportedly "isn't happy" about the split.

Isn't happy? Yeah, no shit. Your relationship was like a creepy midget hooking up with a Playboy bunny. Only the creepy midget is not a midget, but a troll. And the Playboy bunny is Heather Locklear. And unlike a Playboy bunny fucking a midget, no one wants to see it. How long did you think she could stand hearing you say during sex, "I can't believe I'm banging Heather Locklear. I can't believe I'm banging Heather Locklear..."

This new scientific discovery may also explain why I like to masturbate to "Planet of the Apes". I thought it was because of Charleston Heston. Who is obviously gay. Because a gun is just a substitute for a big cock. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have a big cock myself. And by big I don't mean big big, I mean really small.

And speaking of big cocks, Louisiana inches a little closer to banning cockfighting (which would leave New Mexico as the only state where the sport is legal). And the Humane Society of America is trying to repeal the First Amendment by getting the U.S. Postal Service to stop mailing cockfighting magazines. An Oklahoma legislators are considering making non-lethal "electronic" cockfighting legal in Oklahoma. Combatants would wear vests, just like those worn by Olympic fencing competitors. That's soooo cool. Not chimp-human hybrid cool, but cool.