Your Hump Day Lunchtime Threesome

First, a link to pictures of Jessica Simpson having a seriously bad breast day. Don'’t you hate it when, no matter how much gel and mousse you use, your breasts still tilt the wrong way? I hear a little Tabasco sauce up the ass perks them back up. I've offered Jess this advice before, but she just won'’t listen. In related bad advice news, Jessica Simpson is reportedly set to star in "“Lingerie Bowl: The Movie"”. This is no doubt the best news you'’ve heard since hearing that Tabasco sauce up the ass will perk your breasts up. Admit it, it's true.

Second, a former dancer at Walt Disney World who used to dress as Cinderella and Snow White has been named Playboy's Playmate of the Year. She was reportedly fired from her Disney job for sitting on Pinocchio's face and telling him to "tell lots of lies."” She has gone from selflessly serving children to selflessly helping men get it up so they can have sex with their fat, middle-aged wives. Both jobs deserve Nobel Prizes. Her new job apparently so affects our economy that Fox News' Neil Cavuto had a whole segment on her. And, as Media Matters points out, it's not the first sex story that Cavuto has tried to pass off as a business story. Keep up the good work, pervert! Safe for work pictures of the Playmate here, here, and here.

Finally, there is something in this world hotter than both Angelina Jolie and Tabasco sauce up your ass. It's an Indian Angelina Jolie. And speaking of Angelina Jolie, she is apparently upsetting Brad Pitt's mother by keeping him to herself. Which is fine with me, since I'm doing Brad Pitt's mother and want her all to myself. Oh, like you wouldn't? I hate that guy. Of course, me sleeping with his mother doesn't really punish him, it punishes her.