Your Hump Day Lunchtime Threesome

First, a lucky bastard with $50,000 to donate to a charity auction has just scored a private yoga lesson from Gwyneth Paltrow. Obviously this guy deserves a happy ending for the amount he paid. Of course, he could have gotten one from Paris Hilton for $5. Or made a lot of money letting Tom Cruise give him one. Or earned a Nobel Prize by using the money to have Britney Spears killed. Or just gave the money to me, because I sooooo deserve it. And speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, she stirred up controversy earlier this week by taking advantage of Mother's Day to raise money for groups that promote very unhappy endings for fetuses. You know, because nothing celebrates motherhood more than crushing a baby's skull and sucking out its brain. Gratuitous pictures of a hot Paltrow here and here.

Second, Nicole Kidman has become engaged to country music star Keith Urban. This, of course, is an interesting change of pace for her - fucking someone who dresses like a cowboy instead of someone who wants her to dress-up like a cowboy. And speaking of Tom Cruise, the papers are reporting that since his fiance gave birth to their baby she has been "constantly in tears". Tears? After all he did for her? Like eating her placenta, shoving a human pacifier in her mouth during labor, sending her to fat camp, hiring spiritual leaders to take out their garbage, etc. Yeah, she certainly has no reason to cry.

Finally, billionaire Prince Wence of Lichtenstein's girlfriend Adriana Lima can slap my face any day. She's so hot. Why can't I look at her instead of all you people? God, you make me sick. Just looking at you ugly retards makes me want to puke. And speaking of puke, I would totally eat Adriana Lima's puke. That's how hot she is. There's no real joke here. But, plenty of pictures. And speaking of puking, Britney Spears is apparently going to rap on her next album. Gross. And I don't mean gross in a "I would eat your puke" kind of way. I mean gross gross. Like imagining what it must be like to make out with David Spade. Destiny's Child producer Jonathan "JR" Roem, who will be developing Britney's new rap sounds, says: "She literally can't go anywhere without her privacy being invaded. Everybody is trying to get information. So the record we wrote, it addresses the 'who do you trust' kind of thing. Not rap rap, but talk rap. It's definitely Britney, but the next level." I'm sure it will sound good. Not good good, but outright awful.