To the People

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or TO THE PEOPLE.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Your Hump Day Lunchtime Threesome

Sorry for the month-long absence of this feature. Ever since I learned that my cock was the leading cause of global warming, I've been reluctant to continue these posts. But, then I remembered, we're all dead in the long-run right? So, without further delay:

First, Lindsey Lohan is so taken by Kabbalah - the kinder, gentler, less wacko, but just as expensive alternative to Scientology - she is considering changing her name to Rose. That's certainly a lot better than "fire crotch", "dead man's vagina", and the other things she is usually called. Sure Kabbalah is a cult, but it's one of them good cults. I mean only the world's best religion would lead to Madonna trying to develop something sexier than a lesbian kiss. And that something is a bondage-inspired scene with Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Simpson at next month's MTV Video Music Awards. That's Kabbalah. In comparison, Scientology leads people to eat placenta and hide under their bed from aliens. You be the judge which makes for a better religion. And then there's Lindsey Lohan's great teen outreach. During a marketing campaign to promote Disneyland to teens, her and her friends drank and smoked pot. That's my girl. You really put the magic in Magic Kingdom. Just remember, I put the king in Kingdom. Pictures of Lohan in a bikini here, here and here.

Second, some people have suggested that Pamela Anderson is a bad mother because she walks around half-naked all the time. Well, Shaft was a bad mother too and I don't see people picking on him. And it's not her fault. Her boobs are so big they pop out of anything she wears. She can't not be half-naked. Sure, it's easy to mount her; but you need a sherpa to get down. And not just any sherpa, a gay sherpa. And they're really hard to find. Of course, we all know the real bad mother is Britney Spears, who isn't so much a bad mother as a smelly person who drops things a lot. Pictures of a scantily dressed Pamela Anderson here, here, and here.

Third, Christine Aguilera has finally been put in the same category as Albert Einstein. And not because of her brain. It turns out, they both have small penises. Just kidding. I hear Einstein was hung like a horse. But, then everything is relative (yeah, I went there). The New York Times reports that Wikipedia is protecting some of its subjects from contentious editing. At the moment 82 articles are barred from any editing while another 179 are "semi-protected." Albert Einstein, Christine Aguilera and China fall into the first, totally protected category, while U.S. President George W. Bush and Adolf Hitler only rate semi-protection. So, there you have it conservative cry-babies. Our country is more willing to protect Christine Aguilera than our commander-in-chief. And during a time of war no less. I await the Michelle Malkin post in support of charging the people behind Wikipedia with treason. While you're waiting, you can see pictures of Christine Aguilera in a see-through top with a red bra here.

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