Crack + Whores = Good Retirement Plan

I'm so on track to end up like this guy.

An 80-year-old man convicted of dealing crack cocaine was paroled Thursday after spending three nights in jail.

Felix Cocco, a World War II veteran from Pittsburgh, sold crack cocaine from his house and gave some of the drugs to prostitutes in exchange for sex, his lawyer said.

[...]

[His lawyer] told the court her client wanted to remain sexually active after his wife died three years ago and he turned to prostitutes.

If I could combine all that with sitting on a porch and throwing rocks at neighborhood kids, then my life will truly have a (ahem) happy ending.

Speaking of hookers:

Before breaking into the film industry in B-movies including RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!, [George] Clooney was shown around his new home by his actor cousin Miguel Ferrer.

He says, "I remember the first day I got here. Miguel took me for a drive up Sunset Boulevard, and we stopped right in front of the old Screen Actors Guild building, which was on Genesee and Sunset.

"And there used to be just tons of hookers there - like 15 on that night in particular. I'd never seen a hooker in my life, coming from Kentucky.

"And we pull up to the stoplight, and all these girls came up to the car and were like, 'Baby, want to party? You want to party with me?' And I was like, 'Girls love me, man! I'm on fire in this town! I should have come here a long time ago! Chicks dig me!' "And Miguel goes, 'They're hookers, you idiot.'"

I had a similar experience when I first got to DC. Only girls really were throwing themselves at me. Seriously. This pimp in my neighborhood had a catapult. It was great. He could catapult whores up to ten blocks. He spent three months one summer laying seige to another pimp's castle. Boy was it raining hookers that summer. His rival's strategy was to pour hot oil on the hookers until they started wrestling. Good times. Good times. In case you're wondering, his name was Sir Pimp-a-lot.