Sporting Nonsense: Chelsea FC Bans Celery, Salad Tossing

I don't know where even to begin. So I'll just let The Guardian take it away, and add some emphasis where appropriate.

Chelsea have banned celery from Stamford Bridge and ordered fans to stop throwing it during matches after the Football Association launched an investigation into instances of salad tossing at their recent matches.

Two referees have now mentioned celery being thrown onto the pitch during their official reports of Chelsea matches, while Arsenal's players complained of being pelted with the vegetable when they tried to take corners during the first half of the Carling Cup final.

Blues fans have been bringing the vegetable to games for over two decades in homage to their terrace chant 'Celery'...

[Ellipsis]

[A team statement] went on to direct fans to a hotline they could call to report others seen carrying celery, promising that "all calls will be treated in confidence".

As if that makes any sense whatsoever, here's the pertinent part of Celery:

Celery, Celery,
If she don't come,
I'll tickle her bum,
With a lump of celery.

A team song that quite possibly constitutes the origin of the salad toss !?!?! Awesome! Sure beats the hell out of some measly, recycled anthem like "We will rock you!" or "Hey, now. You're an all-star!". More salty ole' Chelsea songs here.

All of this leaves me not with a bad taste in my mouth but, instead, with some lingering questions. For instance, is Cel-Ray OK? Do Vanderbilt students laugh every time they see this? Can I buy a beer for the person who captioned The Guardian's celery photo?

One final note for all you current or budding lawyers: I'm captain of Estoppel FC, a soccer team I got together with some fellow students. We're currently 0-0.