Tips for Keeping the Fun Away this Holiday Season

Sorry for the inactivity today folks; my excuse can be found on my downstairs toilet bowl....Yuck. Luckily, with my time-tested home remedy of masturbation, marijuana and Guinness, I've come out of the other end of a nasty 24-36 hour bug relatively unscathed and ready to pick the keyboard back up. For something other than porn. Or craiglisting for whores. On to the blogging!

Newsweek helps you deal with sobriety this holiday season.

Six Ways to Avoid Holiday Booze Blunders
'Tis the season for uncomfortable moments if you don't drink alcohol or are hosting someone who doesn't. Here are our tips on teetotaler etiquette.

2. Turn off the Tap Know the early signs of drunkenness, such as slurred words, obscenities or unusual confessions. If you see insobriety, Post suggests removing the temptation. "Cork it, and put the wine away for the night."

They're ruining my game! That's me at 8:30 at the party, shouting fucks and motherfucks, as I wave my drink in the air and confide in the lady next to me that I have a pregnancy fetish, and it's not that weird. Really. What the fuck...Just last month I got thrown out of a bar in Seattle for swearing. That's all. And urinating on the bar. Whatever man, what's the world coming to?

1. Considerate Gifting Don't bring a bottle of wine or Scotch to a party unless you're asked to. Inquire first, or bring flowers or a dessert instead

That should never, EVER, be written anywhere. Who knows, maybe someone reads Newsweek, and might start thinking they shouldn't show up with a bottle...

2. Don't Ask Never ask anyone why they're not drinking, even indirectly. It can seem like a harmless ice-breaker, but in fact it's downright rude to hand a woman a Coke and say, "Expecting?"

I prefer, "What are you, some sort of up tight cunt?". See, that way you don't offend the fat broad if it turns out she isn't pregnant.

Full article here.