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Monday, January 07, 2008

For All Our Fans Who Got to Us by Googling "Hot Monkey Sex"

Fred Thompson may not understand basic economics but monkeys do.

It turns out that one of humanity's oldest professions may be even older than we thought: In a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers found that male primates "paid" for sexual access to females — and that the going rate for such access dwindled as the number of available females went up.

According to the paper, "Payment for Sex in a Macaque Mating Market," published in the December issue of Animal Behavior, males in a group of about 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, traded grooming services for sex with females; researchers, who studied the monkeys for some 20 months, found that males offered their payment up-front, as a kind of pre-sex ritual. It worked. After the females were groomed by male partners, female sexual activity more than doubled, from an average of 1.5 times an hour to 3.5 times. The study also showed that the number of minutes that males spent grooming hinged on the number of females available at the time: The better a male's odds of getting lucky, the less nit-picking time the females received. Though primates have been observed trading grooming for food sharing or infant care, this is the first time this kind of exchange has been observed between male and female primates in a sexual context, says lead researcher Michael Gumert of Singapore's Nanyang Technological University, demonstrating that the amount of time a male macaque "will invest in [its] partner" depends largely on how many options it has around.

This research suggests several things.

First, if grooming your date to get sex is prostitution than so is buying her dinner. Or for that matter listening to what she has to say. If I lived in Alaska I would probably hang on my date's every word. At least if she was watching me closely. If I thought she wasn't paying attention I would watch a cartoon monkey dance in my head while she talked. But I would at least pretend like I was paying attention. Because I live in DC, where single women are everywhere, I can happily tell women to fuck off and let me watch Family Guy.

Second, when law enforcement wastes taxpayer resources arresting prostitutes they're acting as a price support mechanism that keeps the price of hookers artificially high. Or in monkey math, more arrests = more grooming. Since corruption runs rampant in many law enforcement agencies, we should assume that police are trying to keep prices high for area pimps.

Third, here are pictures of Kelly Brook bathing topless. Not directly related, but I would love to groom her. NSFW BTW.

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