To the People

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or TO THE PEOPLE.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

If You Learn Only One Thing From This Blog, Let It Be to Never Fuck With a Chimpanzee

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Remember this lady? Well, she's still alive and doing pretty well. I mean, you know, considering that she doesn't have hands, lips, a nose, eyes, and her face looks like something I left in the toilet this morning. She's able to walk, but has to eat through a straw, and can't breath through her nose...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE ANYMORE.

I have a few rules in life -- always keeping a small collection of downloaded pornography on a back-up laptop in case the internet goes down, or my primary laptop blows up, is one of those rules. Never associating with anyone who keeps large, dangerous animals in cages in their living room is another.[Granting that it is pretty fucking cool to have dangerous animals in your house] So while I feel for the now faceless Ms Nash, I'm pretty sure she's not entitled to the 30 million she is suing the chimp's owner for (a friend of hers, Ms Nash helped care for the chimp), and certainly not entitled to the 100 million she wants to sue the state for.

How about this? When one of your friends calls you up and says, "Hey, would you help me lure a 200lb+ chimpanzee back into it's cage?" Instead of saying, "Sure, why not. Nothing is on TV anyways." Why don't you suggest she call another friend that no one likes. And already has an ugly face.

My favorite chimp attack to date is this one. For some reason, a couple decide to bring Mo (a chimp living at a chimp sanctuary) a birthday cake to celebrate his birthday. Because who doesn't do that. Two other chimps get jealous, escape from their cages and proceed to eat the mans face off and rip his testicles off of his body. The lesson learned from this situation is that you always bring cakes for EVERY chimpanzee at the sanctuary. Also, you never want to be part of an article with the headline, "Man loses face and testicle in ape attack at California sanctuary"

Bonus: Many years ago we ran a post detailing the epidemic of *monkey/ape/chimpanzee attacks.

I have no fucking clue the difference between them all. I just know I don't want to be anywhere near any of them.

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