To the People

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Secret Bathroom

A reader's letter this week in Drew Magary's mailbag over at Deadspin:

I'm so excited I just had to tell someone and figured you could appreciate it.

I work in a single floor building. It's an old warehouse that was converted to office spaces so while it's single floor, there's probably 8 feet above the ceiling to the roof. It's mostly crammed with wires and plumbing up there.

The other day I was slacking off walking around the building when I decided to check out the old cafeteria that closed a few years ago. I went in the back area of the cafeteria and found doorway-sized cubbyholes that were obviously lockers for the old cafeteria staff. But the last locker area had two stairs and then a bend to the left with about 6 more stairs. I couldn't help but follow them.

Guess what's at the top of the stairs? A brand fucking new unisex bathroom with one urinal, one throne, a sink and a locking door! Obviously built just for the cafeteria staff. It's completely secluded and since there's no cafeteria staff anymore, no one uses that area. All the lights are kept off. I feel like I've found the hidden 13th floor of a hotel or that hidden train platform to Hogwarts. Needless to say, I never shit at home anymore. I always take my trips to the second floor bathroom in my one floor building. I am so happy I will never leave my job. One downside is that I will have to kill anyone I find using that bathroom.
Best fucking thing ever.

I had the pleasure of my own private at-work shitter at my last job for roughly 4 months. I wandered up to a floor where they had just finished renovations for a new tenant, but the tenant hadn't moved in yet. BINGO. No one to use the bathroom AT ALL. Rubbing one out, taking 45 minute shits, naps in the name, I could AND did do it.

That changed me as an office worker. Now I expect to be able to take relaxing poops no matter where I work. I consider it a benefit, like dental care or some shit.

You must always inspect office bathrooms after a job interview to see what the pooping situation will be if you are offered a job. It's just prudent. Are they clean? More than two stalls? Do you share the bathroom with I-9 visa Indians? These are important questions to be asked and answered, although preferably not while you are being interviewed.

P.S. Drew's Deadspin mailbag is by far the best version of a mailbag that I've ever read. And that's saying something, because in 2010 every blog does a mailbag. Even blogs that don't have readers. It's insane. My fucking sister has a "Mommy blog" and she does a version of a mailbag.