Barr-ing the Door to McCain?

Former Republican congressman Bob Barr announced yesterday that he is seeking the Libertarian Party nod. With Alan Keyes having lost his bid for the Constitution Party nod that means ace Kazakhstan reporter Borat scored an interview with only one man who'll be on the presidential ballot this fall. Barr, you'll remember, was the one punk'd into thinking he had just eaten cheese made from breast milk.

Actually it is not clear that Barr will be on the ballot either. At the press conference to announce he bid he reaffirmed his anti-abortion views, his anti-immigration views and soft-pedaled his opposition to the war in Iraq. He's for a troop withdrawal, but not an immediate one and would not create a timetable. In response to a question about military bases abroad he said he would "re-evaluate" the need for them but indicated some may be needed to defend American interests. And the former drug warrior hasn't changed on that too much either; he's still "personally opposed" but would allow states to hold referendums on things like medical marijuana.

So he's likely to face some opposition from hard core LP members when the party meets (later this month I think) to pick it's nominee.

Should he get the nod, Barr made pretty clear that he'll go after John McCain's base, votes the senator can ill-afford to lose. As the American Spectator reported:

"When asked what his problems were with McCain, he quipped, 'How long do we have here?'"

Heck, I Didn't Even Know I Was Aiding the Environment

Here's a bit of green technology we can all support. A Chinese guy built a solar water heater using empty beer bottles.

T-Boneheads

In the you-gotta-shitting-me news of the week, the White House has asked a federal court to prevent meatpackers from testing for mad cow disease more often. Why? 'Cause if they found a case of mad cow that might turn people off of steaks.

The AP says:

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration on Friday urged a federal appeals court to stop meatpackers from testing all their animals for mad cow disease, but a skeptical judge questioned whether the government has that authority.

The government seeks to reverse a lower court ruling that allowed Arkansas City, Kan.-based Creekstone Farms Premium Beef to conduct more comprehensive testing to satisfy demand from overseas customers in Japan and elsewhere.

So Creekstone wants to do extra testing on its own to reassure customers' concerns. And the government says no way, you cannot do that:

Less than 1 percent of slaughtered cows are currently tested for the disease under Agriculture Department guidelines. The agency argues that more widespread testing does not guarantee food safety and could result in a false positive that scares consumers.

"They want to create false assurances," Justice Department attorney Eric Flesig-Greene told a three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit.

But Creekstone attorney Russell Frye contended the Agriculture Department's regulations covering the treatment of domestic animals contain no prohibition against an individual company testing for mad cow disease, since the test is conducted only after a cow is slaughtered. He said the agency has no authority to prevent companies from using the test to reassure customers.

"This is the government telling the consumers, `You're not entitled to this information,'" Frye said.

What's going on here? Well, it turns out that other meatpackers are afraid that Creekstone's testing could become the norm for the industry. So they are leaning on the government to stop it:

Larger meatpackers have opposed Creekstone's push to allow wider testing out of fear that consumer pressure would force them to begin testing all animals too. Increased testing would raise the price of meat by a few cents per pound.

This stinks like fresh cow patties for a variety of reasons. If a private business wants to adopt safety measures over and above the federal regs that's their own business. The government should only be involved in setting minimums, not regulating every single aspect of the industry. It's pretty sleazy too how the whole industry is able to lean on the government to do its dirty work and bully one company that refuses to get in line.

And finally, as somebody for whom cheeseburgers are a staple of my diet, I would like to know if the next one will give me a crippling brain disease. I think that is somewhat more important than worrying about what the public reaction might be if there was a "false positive". Hey, feds, worry more about an actual infected cow slipping through the net.

Sen. Vitter Gets Off Again

Louisiana Senator David Vitter -- the upright Republican who was patronizing Deborah Jean Palfrey's escort service -- got a bit of good news the other day. The Senate Ethics Panel dropped its complaint against Vitter "with prejudice" this week, meaning he'll escape any official sanction for his whoremongering.

How did he do it? Well, it seems that timing is everything, as the Washington Post explains:

In its ruling, the [Senate Ethics] panel said it could not punish Vitter because his association with the escort service occurred before he joined the Senate in 2005.

"The conduct at issue occurred before your Senate candidacy and service . . . the conduct at issue did not result in your being charged criminally . . . the conduct at issue did not involve use of public office or status for improper purposes," the committee wrote in a letter signed by all six senators.

Elected to the House in 1999, Vitter cannot be investigated by its ethics committee because it has no jurisdiction now that he is a senator.

So while the woman who ran the service got convicted, faced a jail term, was bankrupted and finally became so depressed that she hung herself, her patron gets away without even a slap on the wrist thanks to his Senate buddies. Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

On a related note, the Post earlier pointed out that Palfrey's total earnings from her escort service were peanuts.

Palfrey ran her business, Pamela Martin & Associates, by telephone from her California home, and authorities said she grossed about $2 million from 1993 to 2006, splitting the money about evenly with her escorts. They said she employed at least 132 women over the years, dispatching them nightly to clients in homes and hotel rooms in the Washington area.

So, $2 million over 13 years? Whip out your calculator: that means her whole operation was grossing about $154 thou annually. Half of that went to the call girls. Palfrey then had to pay whatever the overhead was herself (It was probably not that much, since she ran it all by phone). It's not clear whether she paid any taxes on the call-girl service either, but she wasn't convicted on tax-dodging charges, so she may very well have.

In short Palfrey was making about $77 thou a year before any expenses and any taxes. Retirement and health care came out of her own pocket too. Hardly a lavish operation. Isn't there actual, big-time corruption going on someplace the feds can go after?

Hello, Oregon Secretary of State? What Are You Wearing Now?

Oregon is doing it's part to boost voter registration. From KTVZ, "Central Orgeon's News Leader":

A mistyped phone number just inside the Oregon Voters' Pamphlet is now drawing some unwanted attention to the upcoming election.

Voters' Pamphlets just started hitting mailboxes across Oregon last week, and each county has its own version. But one phone number that's inside every copy in the state is making headlines.

Inside the front cover, in a letter from Secretary of State Bill Bradbury, a 1-800 number is listed for voters to register on the phone. But as it turns out, the number has nothing to do with elections, voting or Oregon's primary - it's an adult hotline.

The recording then prompts you to dial another number - this one far more graphic.

It's an honest mistake that's now in some 1.7 million pamphlets across Oregon.

Once You Get Over This, The Rest Of The Week Is Easy

From the Melbourne Community News.

I Shouted Out "Who Killed the Clintons?" When After All It Was You And Me

After Hillary Clinton got her clock-cleaned in North Carolina and nearly lost in Indiana Tuesday, the main question now is why they hell does she still run? Is it ego? Massive self-delusion? Or is her campaign simply so punch-drunk after 5 months of ass-whuppings that they cannot see straight?

I'm going for the last possibility after reading this press release from Team Hillary:

So Hillary’s victory in Indiana - fought out against the backdrop of an ailing economy - is all the more incredible. We started out behind in both the public and internal polls.

For example, our March 13 poll showed Hillary trailing by 8 points, while our latest poll gave Hillary a 5 point lead. [Bold in original.]

Okay, but you won Indiana by just 51-49%. So what you are saying is ... that you blew a five-point lead? And you are citing this as proof of how well you did? After Clinton blew $6 mil more of her own money on the race?

Geez, woman, wake up and smell the reality. It's over. Take your consolation prize of a life-time U.S. Senate seat and be happy.

$50 on Kinky Lingerie to Win!

In honor of the Kentucky Derby, Slate.com has a funny article about the naming of thoroughbred horses. All names have to be registered with the Jockey Club, the organization that officiates horse racing. The club's policy is to reject names that are "suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste." The club isn't that vigilant about the policy though. That's how, for example, a guy got the ok to name his gelding "Nutzapper":

[Horse owner Andy] Hillis explained to the registry poobahs that as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads. Satisfied that the name had a tasty, not tasteless, origin, the Jockey Club approved Nutzapper. Hillis, unable to contain his glee, boasted about the name to a Daily Racing Form reporter. "I've never even been to Canada," he said. "I just made the whole thing up on the spot."

Hillis should have kept his nutz in his mouth. After that article ran, the club banned the name.

The Slate.com article then goes on to note some of the astounding names that horses have run under in the history of the sport:

[S]houldn't somebody have questioned the precedent-setting Nut Buster way back in 1942? Similarly, Pussy Galore probably should have raised a few eyebrows in 1965. The filly never won a race, but one assumes she was a big hit with the stallions.

You want explicit commands? How about Blow Me (1945), Get It On (both 1971 and 1986), On Your Knees (1977 and 2005), Spank It (1985), or 1963's Go Down, whose sire, of course, was Service. Like 'em young? Embarrassingly enough, Jail Bait (1947 and 1983), Barely Legal (1982 and 1989), and Date More Minors (1998) all made it into the staid registry.

If a clever play on words is your thing, Cunning Stunt (1969) is a decent one. Lagnaf (1978) is a thinly veiled acronym for "let's all get naked and … ." The names Hardawn (1937) and Wrecked Em (1983) have to be said out loud to elicit the desired potty-mouth effect.

The list goes on: Golden Shower (1955), Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978), Cum Rocket (1969), Ménage Á Trois (1974), She's Easy (1978), Adultress (1979), Strip Teaser (1980), Rhythm Method (1982), Bodacious Tatas (1985), Tit'n Your Girdle (1988), Kinky Lingerie (1991), Hard Like a Rock (1995), Sexual Harassment (1997), and X Rated Fantasy (1999).

You can use the Jockey Club's online database to search for names. Among the ones I found were: Milfer, Hotforteacher, Bondage Queen and Jiz Wiz.

Sen. Ted Stevens and his BFF

It is hard to tell what is more annoying about this AP story: the facts it reports or the irritating isn't-bipartisanship-wonderful attitude it presents them in.

Here's the story. Senator Daniel Inouye, 83, of Hawaii hosted a fundraiser Wednesday for the reelection bid of Senator Ted Stevens, 84, of Alaska. That's unusual because Inouye is a Democrat and Stevens is a Republican. The AP says:

It's fair to say Inouye would like his Democratic Party to control the Senate by a greater margin. But not at the expense of Stevens, his friend and ally in the increasingly rough-and-tumble Senate.

So Inouye held a fundraising lunch for his friend on Wednesday to help Stevens with what promises to be his most difficult campaign in almost four decades.
***
Stevens' campaign hoped the noontime lunch just a block from the Capitol would net $50,000 or so from the anticipated 60-70 guests, said campaign treasurer Tim McKeever in Alaska.

Anchorage Democratic Mayor Mark Begich is running to defeat Stevens, and the hard-fought race is essential to Democrats' goal of padding the chamber with enough Democrats to roll over GOP delaying tactics.

So why did Inouye do it? Was it just because he and Stevens are long-time buds? That's what the AP story suggests:

But to Senate old-timers like Inouye, 83, and Stevens, 84 — each of whom has served in the chamber since the 1960s — friendship comes before party. In the increasingly bitter world of Washington, the friendship of Inouye and Stevens stands out. They call each other "brother." Both served with honor in World War II.

Heartwarming, isn't it? But there is another reason Inouye hosted the fundraiser, a little fact mentioned towards the end of the story:

The two have traveled the world together are the top two senators on the panel controlling the Pentagon budget. For years, they've used the post to deliver federal money to their states. They are also the chairman and top Republican on the powerful Commerce Committee.

Well isn't that special? These two old farts bonded over years and years of traveling the world on the taxpayers' dime and shoveling yet more of those taxpayer dollars into their home states. Good times, good times.

Oh, and by the way, Stevens is the focus of a federal corruption probe. That's why his re-election bid will be so "difficult." There is a good chance the guy will go to federal prison soon.

Still, doesn't it just make you feel great to know that these senators look out for each other, regardless of party?

... And That's Why It's "Harrison" Not Harry

Actor Harrison Ford, 65, recently invited along a film crew to watch as he had his chest waxed. Did he do it for a movie part? Did he lose a big time bet? Is his girlfriend Calista Flockhart really into smooth-chested guys? No, no, no. He did it for -- wait for it -- the environment:

Harrison invited Access Hollywood and our guest correspondent Mel B exclusively along as he embarked on a personal project to promote going green.

And just how did Harrison, who is the vice chair of the global environment group Conservation International, want to get his message across?

By waxing his chest, of course.

In an effort to showcase the pain involved in deforestation, Harrison willingly subject himself to the painful process of stripping his chest of all its follicles.

Having worked with CI for 15 years, it was Harrison’s hope that his trip to the salon might just shock people into thinking “green.”

You know it was really going to be hard enough to enjoy Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special knowing that the two-fisted hero on screen is in reality an AARP member more likely to be driving 45 mph in the passing lane than escaping death in some exotic locale. Did he really have to make it even harder by revealing himself to be just another empty-headed Hollywood douchebag?

First They Came for the Strippers ...

... And I said said nothing because -- I swear, honey -- I never, ever, go to those places. Honest.

Canada is considering a bill that would allow the government to refuse entry to hot foreign women seeking to rub their boobs in a stranger's face for moolah on the grounds that those women might be victims of exploitation. The Great White North's National Post reports:

The legislation would allow immigration officers the right to refuse temporary Canadian work visas, particularly to strippers, if officials feel the women could be victims of sex trafficking.

Well, that's how it is being sold. In fact, as Federal Immigration Minister Diane Finley concedes, it is potentially much broader than that:

Ms. Finley herself has said the revised law would apply not just to exotic dancers but to any woman at risk of exploitation, including people in low-skill jobs and agricultural workers.

In other words, Canada could refuse entry to any woman they claimed might be in danger of being exploited. 'Course if she is already being exploited in her home country, well, that's cool with them.

This is all a reaction to a minor scandal that happened a few years back:

Under the former Liberal government, foreign exotic dancers could apply for temporary work permits because they were identified as "skilled workers" who filled a labour shortage in Canada.

The policy became controversial when former immigration minister Judy Sgro granted a residency permit to a Romanian stripper who had worked on Ms. Sgro's campaign.

Ms. Sgro was eventually cleared of conflict-of-interest allegations in the so-called Stripper-gate affair and the Liberals scrapped the program in 2004.

Well, one might think that because that turned out to be a non-scandal, no legislative remedy would be necessary. But that's not how democracies roll, baby.

In China, They Do Things Differently

I know it's a racial stereotype and all but, really, does any word other than "inscrutable" describe the thinking of the people in this story?

A five-star hotel in China dressed its window cleaners as Spiderman in an effort to avoid disturbing guests.

Shanghai Sheraton Hotel says they wanted to minimise the affect of the week-long cleaning.

"Nobody wants to see a person suddenly appear outside their window, so we thought of dressing them as movie characters, which should be fun and harmless," said a hotel spokesman.

The hotel says they were not expecting the Spiderman cleaners to attract so much attention.

Many guests have asked to have their photos taken with them, reports China News Network.

'Cause is anything more relaxing than looking out the window of your high-rise hotel room and seeing a masked guy dressed like Spiderman?

The An(n)als of Medical Law

Headline of the day: "NY jury rejects man's lawsuit about unwanted rectal exam."

The story is fairly simple: a guy was hit on his head by a wooden beam, so the emergency room doctors decided it was time to get all up in that ass. The New York Supreme Court said yesterday, "Yeah, that's cool":

[Attorney Gerard] Marrone said his client, 38, was injured while working at a construction site in midtown Manhattan on May 20, 2003. At NewYork-Presbyterian, he said, [client Brian] Persaud got eight stitches for a cut over his eyebrow.

Meanwhile, Marrone said, Persaud denied emergency room staffers' request to examine his rectum. The lawyer said doctors told him the exam was a way of determining whether the accident caused spinal damage.

When Persaud resisted, the staffers held him down while he begged, "Please don't do that," Marrone said. Persaud hit a doctor while flailing around, so the staffers gave him a powerful sedative and performed the rectal exam, he said.

Hospital witnesses testified at trial that the exam was never completed, but Marrone said that when Persaud woke up he was handcuffed to a bed and had an oxygen tube down his throat and lubricant in his rectum.

Even worse, the doctors never called him after that. Read the whole story here.

Hat tip: Dave Barry.

Also "Moustache Rides" Are Naughty Too

In an apparent attempt to prove that Borat was not a joke, an Azerbaijan newspaper has a shocking expose on a local English Pub. It seems the pub's name, The Camel's Toe, might also have another meaning, one unknown to the decent Azerbaijanis! Take it away Mustapha:

Azerbaijan is among the most tolerant countries of the world.

This has been repeatedly stated even on state level. Our country serves as an example for other CIS states.

However, foreign citizens, residing in our country, should not make use of this tolerance.

We will present a little example, which reflects disrespect of British citizens towards the local population. It should noted that we do not try to wage international enmity, we are just presenting a fact.

A pub named Camel's toe which initially seems to mean what it means -"A toe of a camel" functions in the very center of Baku, several meters away from the passage, at 22. Mamedaliyev street.

But, in fact the name has a double meaning. The Camel's Toe has a meaning "the clear visible presence of a woman's vulva as a consequence of wearing overly right pants (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camel_toe).

A question comes to mind: was it named so on purpose? And what does the logotype of the pub, which locates in one of the most popular streets of Baku, mean?

***

Why did they name the pub like that? Could they not understand that this may arise protest among the local population? Perhaps, the British citizens wanted to introduce European culture in Azerbaijan, forgetting about the local mentality?

Perhaps, they wanted to mock at Azerbaijanis, who are not aware of such details of British slang? Or perhaps they bound the slang name of the pub with Azerbaijani ladies, visiting it?

Alas, after this was brought to the attention of all good, loyal Azerbaijanis, the pub owner took down the sign. Alas.

Texas Stripper "Pole Tax" Scraped

A totally awesome state district court judge in Austin (where else in Texas?) has thrown out a $5 per person state tax on patrons of strip clubs, arguing it violates the First Amendment. Yee-ha.

According to the Dallas Morning News the backers of the tax aren't giving up yet though:

Attorney General Greg Abbott, representing the state, plans to "vigorously appeal" the ruling, a spokesman said. And at least one Dallas club owner said she's not ready to go out and celebrate.

"The rest of them are ready to throw a big party, but I don't think this is over," said Dawn Rizos, who owns the Lodge, an upscale Dallas club. "They're going to rewrite it, and eventually it will pass."

Officials with the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault, which helped craft the measure, said they are very disappointed by the decision but intend to rework the bill when lawmakers return to Austin in January.

"This is not the end of the adult entertainment fee or of our goal of providing comprehensive sexual assault-related services to Texans," spokeswoman Karen Amacker said.

There weirdest part of the story is that the judge's ruling turned in part on ... whether stripping was responsible for dancers not having health insurance:

Supporters saw a glimmer of hope in Judge Jenkins' ruling. His judgment indicates the bill was too broad. While he was convinced that there was a logical connection between adult clubs and funding sexual assault services, he didn't buy it for funding health insurance.

"There is no evidence that combining alcohol with nude erotic dancing causes dancers to be uninsured, that any dancer is in fact uninsured, or that any uninsured dancer could qualify for assistance from the fund," he said.

Ah, the finer points of legal theory always elude me.

Navy: Accelerate Your Sex Life

A Navy officer has resigned after revealing that she worked as a hooker for 13 years for D.C. madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey. The Navy Times reveals all:

Lt. Cmdr. Rebecca Dickinson told federal prosecutors at U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C., that she had sex with nearly every client she met while working for Deborah Jeane Palfrey from October 2005 until April 2006.

***

Navy spokesman Capt. Jack Hanzlik told Navy Times that Dickinson, 38, was fired from her position as an instructor at Naval Supply Corps School in Athens, Ga., earlier this month after she gave detailed information about her involvement in the case to superiors.

After her statement, Dickinson also received nonjudicial punishment and was given a punitive letter of reprimand. Hanzlik said she could face additional punishment in the future and has been placed on leave. When she exhausts her accumulated leave time, Dickinson will revert to unpaid leave status and remain there until she is separated from the Navy.

“We expect the men and women who serve in our nation’s Navy to adhere to a standard of conduct that reflects our core values of honor, courage and commitment,” Hanzlik said. “Lt. Cmdr. Dickinson’s conduct will prevent her from wearing this uniform again in the service of our country.”

Actually it wasn't not wearing the uniform that got her in trouble?

Seriously though, sailors and whores are a great combination that have worked great together throughout the ages, kind of like Reese's chocolate and peanut butter. Don't tell me that the Navy doesn't look the other way when male sailors patronize whores. So why is the Navy coming down on this poor woman, who was apparently just trying to pay her bills?

Byrd a Dead Duck?

Washington is a vicious, brutal town. Or would be if so many of the people involved weren't also cowards.

Case in point: The scuttlebutt in Washington is that the Democrats are trying to dump Senate Appropriations Committee Chairman Robert Byrd because he is, well, 90 fucking years old.

It isn't going that easy because Byrd refuses to give up and after a lifetime of using the appropriations process (i.e., spending taxpayer dollars) to accumulate power, all of the Democrats are afraid to take him on.:

Senate Democrats keep muttering about their 90-year-old chairman of the Appropriations Committee, Sen. Robert C. Byrd, but no one wants to bell the cat.

New stories were floated this week of agitation in the party’s ranks over whether the West Virginian would be able to manage an upcoming wartime spending bill. But when fingers pointed to Majority Whip Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.) and Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-N.D.) as two agitators in the leadership, both offices issued indignant denials.

The best part of the story is this comment from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid:

“He was so go good to me my freshman year. He has been good to me all the time,” Reid said of Byrd in a recent interview. “I feel I owe him a lot, the Senate owes him a lot. ... I wish he wasn’t in the physical shape he is in, but he is. And there are many days his mind is perfect, so I’m not going to be part of dumping him.”

Yeah, Reid but doesn't owe him so much that he won't call him a decrepit, senile old fart on the record to reporters. That's cold as ice.

Of course this is one of those cases where no matter who wins, the taxpayers lose. Either Byrd, a guy who has spent a lifetime perfecting the art of robbing Peter to pay Paul, hangs on or the Democrats replace him with a newer, younger guy who does the same thing with more energy.

Today's Special: Frog-Fried Rice

Let's hear it for the protesters across France who gave the commie bastards in Beijing fits early today. They turned the Olympic torch relay into a spectacle wackier than a Jackie Chan movie outtake:

Paris' Olympic torch relay descended into chaos Monday, with protesters scaling the Eiffel Tower, grabbing for the flame and forcing security officials to repeatedly snuff out the torch and transport it by bus past demonstrators yelling "Free Tibet!"

The relentless anti-Chinese demonstrations ignited across the capital with unexpected power and ingenuity, foiling 3,000 police officers deployed on motorcycles, in jogging gear and even inline skates.

Chinese organizers finally gave up on the relay, canceling the last third of what China had hoped would be a joyous jog by torch-bearing VIPs past some of Paris' most famous landmarks.

Thousands of protesters slowed the relay to a stop-start crawl, with impassioned displays of anger over China's human rights record, its grip on Tibet and support for Sudan despite years of bloodshed in Darfur.

Oh, what I would have paid to be there when the Free Tibet protesters took on the French policemen wearing inline skates defending the Olympic torch. Will Ferrell, eat your heart out.

Since it is never a bad time to bring this up, here's a great catalog of the crimes the Chinese regime. One of the guys who wrote it, Hu Jia, is currently locked away for the crime of insulting his government.

The Up Side of a Recession ...

... is that snooty yuppies have lately stopped bitching about urban sprawl. As the Washington Post reports:

Once the dominant topic in regional politics, taming residential development has largely been eclipsed by the fiscal woes created by the slowdown. Rising construction costs, plummeting property assessments, soaring foreclosures and high gas prices have local officials debating how to craft budgets with limited resources instead of arguing over new subdivisions.

It's a fiscal scenario affecting fast-growing areas across the country. In Collier County, Fla. (Naples), Sacramento County, Calif. (Sacramento), and Maricopa County, Ariz. (Phoenix), for example, strained income sources -- including impact fees for new construction and sales and property taxes -- means officials are debating a mix of deferring capital improvements, freezing hiring and scaling back services.

"Counties are getting hit right, left and sideways," said Jacqueline Byers, director of research for the National Association of Counties.

And of course this has sprawl fighters delighted:

Slow-growth advocates say the downturn will allow localities to "take a breather" and focus on improving existing communities rather than trying to keep up with the impact of booming growth.

It would have been nice if the Post writer had put two and two together and realized that this recession is what the anti-sprawl movement is basically about: ending economic growth because that's somehow better for us.

Porn Taxes For the Children

A South Carolina politician has proposed a "porn tax." The money will be used -- wait for it -- for the children, so it's all good, see?

State Senator Mike Fair wants to add a 20 percent surcharge on magazines like Playboy and Hustler that show frontal nudity. He says the tax hike would raise $385,000 dollars for the state to pay for tracking devices for sex offenders.

"Just as we're trying to do with cigarettes, we have tried to do and continue to try to do with alcohol, is lets the users of those products pay for some of the consequences that come from that," Fair explained.

It's one tax increase mom's like Virginie Sanders won't argue about.

“I agree with it. I agree with it because we need all the help we can get to keep them away from our kids. It's better than tax payers paying out of their pockets for it.”

'Cause, you know, it's not like any of the people who buy these magazines also pay taxes. It's practically found money.

Read the whole thing here.

Randy Is a Sex Criminal AND He Has Cooties

Does this look like a sexual predator to you? According to Prince William County Schools, this seven year-old is a sexual harasser whose transgressions have merited calling in the police.

The Washington Post has the latest episode of anti-sexual harassment zero-tolerance insanity:

In his seven years, Randy Castro has been an aspiring soccer player, an accomplished Lego architect and a Royal Ranger at his Pentecostal church. He also, according to his elementary school record, sexually harassed a first-grade classmate.

During recess at his Woodbridge school one day in November, when he was 6, he said, he smacked the classmate's bottom. The girl told the teacher. The teacher took Randy to the principal, who told him such behavior was inappropriate. School officials wrote an incident report calling it "Sexual Touching Against Student, Offensive," which will remain on his student record permanently.

Then, as Randy sat in the principal's office, they called the police.

"I thought they were going to take me to prison," Randy said recently. "I was scared."

This is no isolated incident either. There has been a veritable boom in these kind of cases in recent years:

Randy is only one of many children to be dealt with harshly as schools across the country grapple with enforcing new zero-tolerance sexual harassment policies and the fear of litigation.

The Virginia Department of Education reported that 255 elementary students were suspended last year for offensive sexual touching, or "improper physical contact against a student." In Maryland, 166 elementary school children were suspended last year for sexual harassment, including three preschoolers, 16 kindergartners and 22 first-graders, according to the State Department of Education. Statistics for the District were not available.

In 2006, a kindergartner in Hagerstown, Md., was accused of sexual harassment after pinching a female classmate's buttocks. A 4-year-old in Texas was given an in-school suspension after a teacher's aide accused him of sexual harassment for pressing his face into her breasts when he hugged her.

I'm just glad these rules weren't in place when I was going to school. If that were the case, I'd just be getting out of prison now ...

Has Anyone Checked Her for a Heartbeat?

It's an old story: Stripper-turned-criminal conspirator-turned-soccer mom and former state ethics board employee goes to jail for murder. I'm thinking Maggie Gyllenhaal for the lead with Tony Fuqua to direct.

Meet Mechele Linehan. The thirty-five year-old was sentenced to 99 years in jail Wednesday for conspiring to kill her former fiance in Anchorage, Alaska, back in 1996. She was trying to get a cool mil in insurance money.

So what was she doing in the intervening years? Well, for a while she was an administrative assistant for the Washington State Executive Ethics Board, which ensures ethical conduct by state employees.

As with any good crime story, it details like that that capture interest. And this one has tons of them. Linehan was working as a stripper in 1996 at a club called - I kid you not - the Great Alaska Bush Co., when she convinced John Carlin III, a boyfriend, to shoot her then-fiance Ken Leppink.

Unfortunately for Linehan, Leppink had recently changed his will and even wrote an only-to-be-opened-in-the-event-of-my-death letter to his parents saying that if he died that Linehan was behind it. She got nothing. So did prosecutors, who didn't have enough evidence to try her at the time.

Linehan then apparently went straight, got a degree in psychology, married a Washington State doctor and had a kid.

Things started to fall apart in 2005 when Carlin's now-grown son provided damning testimony against his father and Linehan. She was convicted back in October.

The kicker here? She was inspired to do it by watching the movie the Last Seduction. As the AP reports:

"The Last Seduction" is a modern-day film noir in which a ruthless beauty - played by the sultry, raven-haired actress Linda Fiorentino - uses her sexual wiles to manipulate others.

A former stripper, Lora Aspiotis, testified that she watched the movie with Linehan and that Linehan admired the tough-talking Fiorentino character.

"She told me that the character was her heroine and that she wanted to be just like her," Aspiotis said.

Well, not quite. In the movie she gets away with it. Sorry, babe. Anchorage just ain't Hollywood.

Leading Economic Indicators

How weak is the U.S. dollar? Well, a Chilean strip club has decided to accept dollars at 2004 exchange rates as a way to lure the gringos back, according to a story in Bloomberg News:

Bikini-clad pole dancers, mini- skirted hostesses and a deal on foreign exchange await customers at Passapoga, a Santiago nightclub, who pay with U.S. dollars.

At banks and foreign-exchange bureaus, $1 fetches less than 430 pesos. Passapoga pays 600 pesos.

``This campaign has had considerable success,'' said Jaime Retamal, 55, the club's manager. ``Customers come from all over, but a lot from the U.S.''

The dollar has lost a quarter of its value against the peso in the past three years, increasing U.S. travelers' expense for hotels, taxis and restaurants in Chile. Passapoga is discounting the exchange rate to discourage Americans from cutting back on nightclub visits.

***

Patricia Kart, a Passapoga hostess for 2 1/2 years, said workers agreed to the plan even though it reduces their commissions. The promotion is bringing in more customers, she said.

``We have to take what the house gives us, and our job is to do what it takes to make the clients happy,'' Kart, 28, said in a telephone interview from the club. ``They are very content.''

It Was an Emotional Moment for Everyone When She Got Down to Her G-String

Nothing says a long life, well-lived, like a stripper at a funeral:

A Taiwanese man hired an erotic dancer to perform at his 103-year-old father’s funeral.

The stripper danced in front of Cai Jinlai’s coffin for more than ten minutes at the funeral in Taizhong town. Son, Cai Ruigong, paid her more than £80 to dance in memory of his late father.

Cai Ruigong says he promised his father a stripper for his funeral if he lived beyond the age of 100. Cai Jinlai passed away at the age of 103 after a three mile walk into town to vote. He was the oldest person in his village and had more than 100 descendants. His son said his father was famous locally for his interest in strip clubs: “He would travel around the island with his friends to see these shows,” he added.

The above image accompanied the story, but I'm not sure it has anything to do the late Mr. Jinlai.


I'm guessing the father gave warm, timeless advice to his son like: "Never pay more than $20 for a lapdance,” “When you go, always wear loose-fitting khakis” and “Never tip the same dancer twice in a row; always make them compete for your attention.”

Hey, that's what my dad taught me. Ah, fond memories ...


Read the whole thing here.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

That would be the Eliot Spitzer-hooker story. There is a possibility you have already seen the girl in question naked. Yesterday Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild revealed that Ashley Alexandra Dupre spent seven days hanging out with his film crew in 2003. According to the AP, Francis had been in talks with her to appear in an upcoming video when one of his people searched their film library and made the discovery:

"It'll save me a million bucks," Francis told The Associated Press on Tuesday. "It's kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch."

Francis said at that point, his offer was off the table.

"We actually had been dealing with her rep," he said. "Our (offer) was the real deal. We just never made the connection."

***

According to a "Girls Gone Wild" press release, Dupre visited Miami in 2003 to celebrate her 18th birthday. After fighting with a friend and getting thrown out of her hotel, Dupre found a nearby "Girls Gone Wild" bus, the company said.

She signed legal papers and spent a full week on the bus, filming seven full-length tapes which included nudity and same-sex encounters, according to the company.

There does appear to be a hitch though. She may not have been eighteen when the tapes were made. Francis, being that class act that he is, will probably release it anyway:

Dupré's lawyer, Don A. Buchwald, immediately took steps to inform Francis that the New Jersey native, her birthday being April 30, 1985, was only 17 when the footage was taken.

But Francis tells E! News he's going ahead with the release anyway, albeit not for at least a few days while his lawyers debate the repercussions.

"We are getting pressure from her lawyer," Francis said at his Santa Monica, Calif., office Wednesday. "As soon as we withdrew the million dollar offer—he is just mad because her price has dropped. Even if she was only 17, we could still release it. There was no sexual contact. There's only nudity."

So, look for pictures of Dupree to start appearing as spam in in your inbox in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

The Hardest Partying Legislature Ever

That would be the Peruvian Congress, where lawmakers use cocaine -- well, the raw ingredient for cocaine -- right at their desks. As Reuters explains:

LIMA (Reuters) - Lawmakers defiantly chewed coca in Peru's Congress on Thursday while criticizing a U.N. recommendation to criminalize traditional uses of the plant.

The coca leaf, the raw ingredient of cocaine, is used by millions of people to stave off hunger and fight altitude sickness. It is also used in teas, in cooking and by fortune tellers.

"The coca leaf has existed for thousands and thousands of years. It's part of our agriculture, our food and our medicine. It's sacred," Congresswoman Hilaria Supa told Reuters before the start of Thursday's session.

"The United Nations doesn't know our culture. It doesn't understand our values," she said.

Supa and Congresswoman Maria Sumire offered coca to their colleagues on the Congress floor from small hats. Dozens of politicians took handfuls and chewed the leaf during a raucous session with boos and hisses.

We'll See If He Hangs On To His Nickname In Prison

Eliot Spitzer may be grabbing all of the headlines these days, but he's not the only douchebag lawyer who is getting his richly deserved comeuppance. It looks like the "King of Torts" is heading to the slammer. The AP reports:

JACKSON, Miss. - Richard "Dickie" Scruggs, the legendary trial lawyer who made Big Business tremble every time he set foot in court, pleaded guilty Friday to conspiring to bribe a judge — a crime that could send him to prison and spell the end of his storied legal career.

Federal prosecutors are asking for the maximum of five years behind bars for the 61-year-old Scruggs, the multimillionaire "King of Torts" who combined a shrewd legal mind and aw-shucks country-lawyer charm to extract billions of dollars from the tobacco and asbestos industries, among others.

He will also lose his license to practice law.

Scruggs and another lawyer in his firm, Sidney Backstrom, pleaded guilty to conspiracy to defraud for offering a $50,000 cash bribe to a Mississippi judge for a favorable ruling in a dispute over legal fees from a Hurricane Katrina insurance lawsuit.

Scruggs was one of the key figures behind the shakedowns of the tobacco industry in the 1990s. Granted the suits who ran those companies were douchebags too, blatantly lying about whether tobacco was addictive. Not that this should have mattered. It is common knowledge that smoking is addictive.

In any event it was all a pretext for a massive extortion effort by Scruggs, his fellow tort lawyers and state attorneys general. In the end it worked, forcing the tobbaco companies to cough up a staggering $206 billion nationwide settlement. Legal expert Walter Olson noted:

"The deal, which followed settlements with four other states totaling $40 billion, has been called the biggest privately handled redistribution of wealth in world history."

The lawyers, including Scruggs, made out like bandits. As the ABA journal reports: "The case made him one of America’s richest lawyers, with a cash flow many Wall Street firms would envy. Every three months since the late 1990s, Scruggs’ firm has received more than $10 million from the tobacco litigation payout. The case will fatten his bottom line by $42 million every 12 months for 23 years."

The rest of the money was supposed to be for education and other worthwhile programs. (The states actually blew it on other stuff, but never mind ...)

Scruggs even got to be a big screen hero when Hollywood came a-calling. In the 1999 film version of the story, "The Insider," starring Al Pacino and Russell Crowe, Scruggs was a featured part in the film.


Ah, but Ol' Dickie just couldn't quit while he was ahead. After Katrina in 2005, Scruggs went to work suing the insurance companies on behalf of homeowners whose claims were denied. Then he finally pushed it too far. Back to the AP:

Scruggs was indicted along with his son and three associates in November.

They were accused of conspiring to bribe Lafayette County Circuit Judge Henry L. Lackey, who was overseeing a dispute between Scruggs and other lawyers over $26.5 million in legal fees from a mass settlement of Katrina cases. Lackey reported the bribe overture to the FBI and worked undercover.

Two of the men indicted, lawyer Timothy Balducci and former Mississippi State Auditor Steve Patterson, pleaded guilty and began working with the prosecution.

Balducci admitted to the FBI that he paid the judge $50,000 in cash and said he did so at the behest of the Scruggses and Backstrom. Balducci also wore a wire and recorded incriminating statements from Scruggs.

Ah, it's good to see bad things happen to sleazy people.

Everybody Needs a Good Accountant

This Las Vegas CPA doesn't bother with the bullshit in his advertising: