Some Thoughts On The Tragedy In Haiti

What he said.

Jenna Bush Has the Fist Pump of a Challenged 5 Year Old

I happened to score some very nice, (and some very free) tickets for the big Matt Wieters debut on Friday night at Camden Yards. It was a lovely night -- perfect weather, Orioles win and post-game fireworks to boot. Wonderful time had by all -- including Jenna Bush who happened to be sitting a few suites over. I don't have much of a spy report other than I can say Coors Light and Miller Lite cans appeared to be the beers of choice, and she looked fuckable in white pants, black tank top (though I must say, I'm partial to her sister). She looked like she'd had a few, but take that observation for what it's worth because I was half in the bag by that point.

I will say that she has no concept how to cheer. I didn't notice her rooting much during the game, but she was enthralled by the fireworks, giving the loud blasts a somewhat confused and half-retarded version of a fist-pump in the air. Kinda like a Tiger Woods fist-pump at a rock concert. That or a celebration for Jello Day at Melwood. And just to clarify -- I'm not making fun of the "developmentally challenged" folks at Melwood, I'm making fun of the developmentally challenged Bush daughter.

Original TtP coverage of the Bushes moving to Baltimore, here.

Bono Hates Starving African Babies

That's the thesis behind a new book called Dead Aid by African economist Dambisa Moyo. In it, she argues that all of the aid being funneled to the country thanks to international pop stars is actually doing more harm than good:

Consider the figures. In the past 50 years, the West has pumped around £35 trillion into Africa. But far from improving the lives of ordinary Africans, the result of stateadministered charity on such a colossal scale has, argues Moyo, been 'an unmitigated political, economic and humanitarian disaster'.

The effects are easy to see, yet always ignored. Over the past 30 years, the economies of the most aiddependent countries have shrunk by 0.2 per cent per annum.

Can you give us an example of how, Ms Moyo? Funny we should ask:

Imagine there's an African mosquito-net maker who manufactures 500 nets a week. He employs ten people, and this being Africa, each of those employees supports as many as 15 relatives on his modest but steady salary. Some 150 people therefore depend on this thriving little cottage industry, producing a much-needed, low-cost commodity for local people.

Then, Moyo writes: 'Enter vociferous Hollywood movie star who rallies the masses and goads Western governments to collect and send 100,000 mosquito nets to the afflicted region, at a cost of a million dollars. The nets arrive and a "good" deed is done.'

The result? The local business promptly goes bust. Why buy one when they're handing them out for free? Ten more people are unemployed, and 150 people are without means of support.

Like all such aid hand-outs, it's an idiotically short-sighted way to treat a complex problem.

And that's not all. In a year or so, those nets will have sustained wear and tear, and will need either mending or replacing. But the local net-maker is no longer around.

So now those previously independent and self-sufficient Africans have to go begging the West for more aid. Intervention has actually destroyed a small part of Africa's economy, as well as its spirit of enterprise. Thus aid reduces its recipients to beggary in two easy moves.

Here's Your Help: Stop Smoking You Dancing Douche

Patrick Swayze writing in the...Washington Post? And they wonder why their business model sucks ass:

I'm Battling Cancer. How About Some Help, Congress?

For me, fighting cancer is personal. Ever since I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January 2008, I've been waging an intense, often hellacious battle. It's me (with a lot of love and medical support) against my disease.

But I'm not alone. More than 1.4 million Americans will be diagnosed with cancer this year. In the United States, one out of three women and one out of two men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes.[...]

Our individual battles should also be national ones. With Congress about to decide how much money to include for medical research as part of the economic stimulus package, the time has come to take my personal fight to a larger stage. My message to our senators and representatives is simple: Vote for the maximum funding to let the National Institutes of Health fight cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. It's not only good for our nation's health; it's also good for our economic well-being.

Yes. In case you are wondering, that would be the same Patrick Swayze who refuses to stop smoking even if he does have a highly lethal form of cancer. I don't blame him for smoking until his very last breath, but for a 2 1/2 pack smoker to be lecturing taxpayers about how little we contribute to the War Against Cancer...Oh I dunno, it seems a bit disingenuous, you know?

On a unrelated note -- This is officially the 5,000th post in the nearly 4 year history of To the People. Thanks for reading and thanks to the previous bloggers who helped contribute and in some cases built this irreverant mess of a blog.

This Shouldn't Be Too Difficult

Nicole Kidman to play a transsexual in upcoming movie about the world's first transsexual.

Actress Nicole Kidman is to play a transsexual artist in film The Danish Girl, it has been reported.

She will play Einar Wegener, a male artist who underwent groundbreaking surgery to become a woman in 1931, The Hollywood Reporter said.

The trade magazine said that Charlize Theron is expected to play Wegener's spouse in the film, which will also be produced by Kidman

1931. Christ...Anyone want to hazard a guess on what that surgery was like in 1931? Flying blimps were considered the height of technology; I highly doubt that they had a painless and seamless way to cut your penis off and make a vagina out of it.

Amy Winehouse DEATH WATCH 2008

In case you've ever been relaxing over a weekend, smoking some crack and 5 cigarettes at a time and wondered, "Can I get emphysema in my 20's?" Amy Winehouse has gone out and done the research for you. The answer is yes.

LONDON - Soul diva Amy Winehouse has damaged her lungs by smoking crack cocaine and cigarettes, her father said in an interview published Sunday.

The Sunday Mirror quoted Mitch Winehouse as saying that Amy has early stage emphysema and an irregular heartbeat, and has been warned that she will have to wear an oxygen mask unless she stops smoking drugs.

Nothing says sexy like an oxygen mask at 24.

Full story here.

To Do List: 1) Become a Chill Black Man 2) Run for President 3) Bone Scarlett Johannson

and apparently it needs to be in that order. From the Politico:

Every presidential candidate can use a sexy blonde movie star to liven up his or her campaign, appear at big money events and rally the entertainment community. Sen. Barack Obama’s go-to Hollywood hottie is Scarlett Johansson, a starlet who trades frequent e-mails with the presumptive Democratic nominee, campaigns tirelessly on his behalf, hosts lucrative fundraisers and even appeared in that “Yes We Can” viral video that got 10 million views in its first week online.

I hate my life.

Full story here.

Good to Know We Have Drug Laws On the Book to Save Privileged Former Child Stars

Tatum O'Neal -- "My dog died so I needed some blow":

NEW YORK - Tatum O'Neal has told a newspaper that she was distraught over the loss of her dog when she went looking to buy drugs from a Manhattan street dealer last weekend.

The 44-year-old actress says in Tuesday editions of the New York Post that she lost her Scottish terrier about three weeks ago.

She spoke to the Post in a telephone call after being arraigned Monday on a charge of criminal possession of a controlled substance. She entered no plea.

O'Neal says that her arrest Sunday "saved" her from possibly ruining her life. Police have accused her of buying cocaine.

Good for her. Count yourself as the exception to the rule. I can think of more than a few people who weren't so lucky as to be "saved" by our drug laws. Unless getting shot to death, or thrown in prison counts as being saved...

Lindsay Lohan to be Immortalized with a Statue in the Ukraine

KIEV, May 15 (RIA Novosti) - The town of Komsomolsk in central Ukraine is to erect a monument to a 'drunken pig,' the national UNIAN news agency reported on Thursday.

The monument, which portrays a pig lying on its belly with its snout in a trough, will be installed near a local cafe.

"This monument symbolizes those people who make pigs of themselves by drinking far too much," said Oleg Ryabo, the local sculptor responsible.

Full story here.

In other not-really-related celebrity news, via The Superficial comes this weeks Signs of the Apocalypse: Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty share what appears to be a kiss making us all wonder what horror could be unleashed from Amy's vagina if they bred, and Lindsay Lohan's mom, Dana, wins a Mother of the Year Award.

... And That's Why It's "Harrison" Not Harry

Actor Harrison Ford, 65, recently invited along a film crew to watch as he had his chest waxed. Did he do it for a movie part? Did he lose a big time bet? Is his girlfriend Calista Flockhart really into smooth-chested guys? No, no, no. He did it for -- wait for it -- the environment:

Harrison invited Access Hollywood and our guest correspondent Mel B exclusively along as he embarked on a personal project to promote going green.

And just how did Harrison, who is the vice chair of the global environment group Conservation International, want to get his message across?

By waxing his chest, of course.

In an effort to showcase the pain involved in deforestation, Harrison willingly subject himself to the painful process of stripping his chest of all its follicles.

Having worked with CI for 15 years, it was Harrison’s hope that his trip to the salon might just shock people into thinking “green.”

You know it was really going to be hard enough to enjoy Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special knowing that the two-fisted hero on screen is in reality an AARP member more likely to be driving 45 mph in the passing lane than escaping death in some exotic locale. Did he really have to make it even harder by revealing himself to be just another empty-headed Hollywood douchebag?

Amy Winehouse Confirms: "I am a legend...I want to take drugs"

Amy Winehouse is my hero. My Badass Hero:

Grammy award-winning singer Amy Winehouse could be facing arrest and a possible six month jail sentence after she allegedly attacked TWO men while on a drug-fuelled bender.

The drug addict singer, 24, faces a police quiz after claims she 'headbutted' a man who was trying to help the singer get a cab outside a bar, and then was said to have allegedly punched a second victim in the face.

According to the Sun, a source said the singer also kissed a mystery man at a nightspot, and in one bar threw drinks around and overturned tables while she screamed 'I am a legend...I want to take drugs'.

Awesome stuff. Honestly though, isn't it pretty common knowledge in England that you approach Amy Winehouse after dark at your own risk? It's like playing with bears, then all of a sudden, one bites you in the neck killing you, and your all like, "wha' happened?? I was just playing with a 700lb brown bear and now I'm dying" Amy Winehouse is like that bear. Only not trained. And constantly on drugs. But both their bites are ferocious and potentially deadly.

More from London's night demoness:

After arriving home at 4am Amy then had to break into her own home in the early hours yesterday after losing her keys.[...]

It is also claimed at one point she emerged and tried to punch and headbutt a man in the street before buying the early editions of yesterday's papers and heading for home, where she had to gain entry via the garage.[...]

OK, in all fairness to the booze saturated diva; I doubt too many of us would hold up well to the scrutiny of a dozen photographers and reporters following us around during a normal weekend bender. I'm not saying I headbutt people who open cab doors for me, but I've been known to play Homeless Tossing on Cross St a time or two...OK, so it's every weekend. Don't judge me until you've tossed a 90lb homeless man down the street. Too much fun.

Full story here complete with lots of pictures.

Patrick Swayze Attempts to Smoke the Cancer Out

God Bless him. The man doesn't have a quitting bone in his cancer-ridden body. Wolverines!

Puffing on a cigarette is not the most sensible thing to do when you're battling cancer.

But if, as reports suggest, Patrick Swayze has only a few weeks to live, he may think it makes little difference.

The once-athletic star of Dirty Dancing, Ghost, and action films such as Point Break looked gaunt as he dragged on a cigarette while waiting for his private plane.[...]

Swayze has been a 60-a-day smoker for years, and research shows that smokers are twice as likely to get pancreatic cancer as non-smokers.

That's a lot of cigarettes, for a lot of Man. Semi-related question: If you're not a famous actor who owns a ranch in Nevada, is it possible to be a 2 1/2 packs a days smoker anymore? I had a bet going this past summer with a few friends who said I couldn't smoke 100 packs in 100 days -- merely a pack a day -- and while I stopped the challenge because I realized that the $100 payoff was what I paid for about 20 packs; I still was having trouble doing a pack a day during the work week. Now, with total work place bans, as well as bans inside most social gathering places where you would traditionally smoke, it strikes me as awful hard to be a regular 2+ packs a day smoker.

Full story here.

Dumb Celebrity Quote

HT to TheAgitator for the link to the article. The quote:

"My favorite thing about Bhutan is they measure their country's wealth, not based on dollar amount but on gross national happines," [actress Cameron] Diaz said.

That's "GNH" for you less 3rd-world-happiness-savvy readers. The full context is here. From elsewhere in the same article:

Bhutan, a country that received particular praise from Diaz for its environmental policies, has one of the highest infant mortality rates (103 infant deaths per 1,000 live births) and lowest life expectancies (54 years) in the world.

True, this doesn't necessarily correlate with happiness. But it's enough to make me (and I assume Diaz, too) hesitate to pack my bags and move for the sake of the clean air.

At the bottom of that article's page, there was a link to this one. The title: "Environmentalist Laments Introduction of Electricity." Yes, it's every bit as bad as it sounds. I can't do it justice by pulling a clip, so check out the whole thing (it's short).

My Best Chance To Stalk Scarlett Johansson...Missed

A whole slew of stars were in Baltimore over the weekend, shooting the film He's Just Not That Into You, including the future, but most likely, imaginary Mrs. Rob. Or if you like -- the future, but chained to the radiator Mrs. Rob...a la Black Snake Moan.

A-list actresses Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Connelly will be in town this weekend, shooting the final scenes for He's Just Not That Into You to lend some geographic authenticity to the romantic comedy set in Baltimore.

A friend saw Scarlett out this weekend in our lovely, but small city bringing tears of pain to my face from the near miss.

Oh No Tom! Don't Leave Us!

Sizemore is done with the drugs...for good.

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (AP) — Tom Sizemore says he's done with drugs.

"I'm not trading my whole life for some powder," the 45-year-old actor told The Bakersfield Californian in a jailhouse interview published Friday.

"God's trying to tell me he doesn't want me using drugs because every time I use them I get caught," Sizemore said.

I know, I know, who's going to produce some of the finest dialogue known to man, in amateur-hooker-porn now? I'd say -- knowing Tom Sizemore like I don't; he won't soon forget his fans, and make a few more returns to a life of drugs and debauchery.

P.S.: I did my best, while here at work, to dig up a transcript, or link to the famous Sizemore-sex video. No luck. I'm not sure if its the same as his official video, "The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal"-- where he claims to have had sex with Paris Hilton among other things. But the one I'm talking about involves 3 prostitutes and lots of drugs. And some hilarious dialogue. And possibly some cock-to-face-slapping. But I could be making that last one up. Or confusing it with my weekend. Who knows.

Why Would Owen Wilson Try to Kill Himself?

On any given day, many Americans want to kill themselves. But why would Owen Wilson, a smart, good-looking and rich Hollywood star who has dated some of the most attractive women in the US with thousands more lining up for him be in the ranks of hoi polloi suicidal depression?

Early reports say Wilson took a razor to his wrist and gobbled a bunch of pills. Perhaps he is human like the rest of us and just about wanted to die when he saw the pic to the left of his former lover Kate Hudson making out with her new boyfriend in a supermarket. That pic appeared the day before his suicide attempt.

[A couple of side questions: where do Hollywood stars get those bottles of pills and how come no one in my Safeway ever makes out in the aisles?]

If Owen was indeed extremely upset by Kate's supermarket makeout, then perhaps he screwed up when he talked to the media about "boning" her. Even worse:

'For sure I wasn't the first guy to kill time with Kate in her trailer between takes either. Hell, my brother boned that chick every day on the set of "Alex and Emma" four years ago, just like Matthew McConaughey did when he co-starred with Kate in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"', Owen says.

And he goes on to state that her easiness with fellow actors was the main reason that convinced him to do a movie ("You, Me and Dupree") with her: 'That's why I jumped at the chance to make "You, Me and Dupree" with her. Luke and Matthew told me about this thing she does with a scarf and a couple of ping pong balls. I just had to see that one for myself'.

I Want to Spend Hours Locked in a Room with Amy Winehouse, Call Girls and Drugs

I'm a few days late to this, but I've been busy all weekend trying to find my own Amy Winehouse in various methadone clinics, heroin shacks and zoos. All I have to show for the weekend is a few scratches, a missing testicle and what seems to be a nasty infection from what may or may not have been a rabid raccoon. All in all a pretty good weekend for Rob.

Amy denied Blake was the cause of the argument, 24 hours earlier after which the 23-year-old singer, who has spent most of the summer in and out of rehab for crack and heroin addiction, was seen with bandages covering her arm, blood-spattered shoes and a gashed knee.

And in a series of texts between the Rehab singer and celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, she defended her husband who she claimed "saved my life".

Amy told Perez: "Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other... I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life."

Full article here. Via the Superficial.

Mandy Moore Back Together with Andy Roddick?

If that reads like a vapid celebriblog headline, well, that's because it is. I normally don't get my celeb news the dead-tree way, preferring repeated visits to The Bosh or Hollywood Tuna. Alas, today I had to go downtown, and picked up copies of the WaPo and Politico to bide my time.

The WaPo reports Mandy Moore was spotted

...sipping "extra dirty" martinis[*] and ordering a protein-heavy lineup of rockfish, red snapper and Kobe beef with four friends at Georgetown's Mie N Yu Monday night.

Meanwhile, the Politico notes that Andy Roddick, ,

...and his coach, Jimmy Connors, are staying at the Ritz in G-town. Roddick just loves walking around G-town, as he did Sunday afternoon.

He's in DC for the Legg Mason tournament, which is most noted as the tourney that draws fewer good players and more nobodies than any other. (To illustrate that point, Legg Mason never even succeeded in dragging humorless DC d-bag Pete Sampras home to Rock Creek Park.)

So Moore and Roddick, huh? Both in Georgetown. Same time. Coincidence? Or are they rekindling things after more than three years apart?

I pretended to be someone trying to write like Chuck Klosterman about celebrities and DC here. Get Legg Mason tickets -- I've only gone before when I got free tix -- here.

*About this extra-dirty martini thing... I went out with some friends last night, and several ordered this drink. They're friends and wonderful people, but I just about wanted to ram the stem of their glasses into their eyes. Who the hell wants to drink a glass of gin that has the visual clarity of goldfish-bowl water? Who? Why?

Lindsay Lohan Wrecks Her Car in a DUI (Why Don't Wealthy Celebrities Hire Cars or Take Taxis?)

Reputable source x17 reports that Lindsay Lohan has been in a DUI wreck. Worse, she had coke in her car! To see the pics go here, as x17 won't let anyone download them. A nice quote from that site:

She had coke in the car! At the presser, it was announced that narcotics were found in the car by officers at the time the vehicle was towed and impounded. You can see in X17's video, Lindsay's bodyguard Jaz driving the wrecked car away from the scene of the accident just after it occurred (didn't he think to take that white powdery substance outta the glove box?!).

But the big question is why rich celebrities such as Lohan, who like to party, have had previous run-ins with the law and shell out money to hire bodyguards are so reluctant to hire a driver or take a taxi. Lohan, I guess, would rather wrap her car around a tree.

The NFL is full of millionaire DUI offenders, most notably the prison chain gang d.b.a. the Cincinnati Bengals, but also Sean Taylor of Washington and many others. And then there is Paris Hilton, who has to do a stint in the big house for her second drunken driving charge.

Maybe I am more afraid than they are, as I would get a cell mate, unlike Paris Hilton, but their idiocy in the face of how affordable it would be for them to avoid these problems is amazing.

First Jesus & Mary Chain Sighting in 8 Years + Scarlett Johansson Backup Vocals = Awesome

Wishing for 'Piss Christ,' Again

Brooklyn sculptor Daniel Edwards, who last year gave us (not that we asked for it) the work of art that is Britney Spears Giving Birth on a Bearskin Rug, has come up with an even more absurd work: Anti-DUI Spread-Eagle Naked Paris Hilton with Chihuahua Tinkerbell, Who Paris Owned When I Started the Damn Sculpture but has Since Been Discarded. OK, it's not called that, but that's what it is.

Learn more at a website set up for the exhibit's opening, the not-at-all-creepy ParisHiltonAutopsy.com, which includes this note about exhibit extras:

"Paris' internals, which include her small intestines, and other elements, are removable to assist teens with an empathetic view of drunk driving tragedy from the coroner's perspective."

More here at Gothamist.

If Only He had Called Her a Cunt

Something about Alec Baldwin; it might be the voice, or maybe just my underlying but blatant homosexuality, but, I find him....irresistible. From an AP article:

The festering bad blood between movie-star exes Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger erupted Thursday when an angry phone message from Baldwin to his daughter was made public.

On the recording, Baldwin can be heard berating his 11-year-old, Ireland, "You are a rude, thoughtless little pig."

"You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being," he says, apparently upset that she did not answer her phone for a planned call.

Hecklerspray has more, including the mp3 audio at the bottom of the page.

Happy 75th to Cheeta, Who is Apparently Gay

I've always found it existentially jarring that film star Cheeta the chimp only played a chimp named Cheeta in films. Before you wrap your head around that and other Cheeta minutiae, it's time to wish the world's oldest chimp a happy 75th birthday.

Cheeta, whose coat is now peppered with grey hair, marked the occasion with a party featuring sugar-free cake and diet soft drinks in the California desert town of Palm Springs, famous as a retirement community for old movie stars.

He has lived there with his trainer for the past 16 years.

[Ellipsis]

Mr Westall said there was plenty of life left in the veteran actor, adding: "He likes to go to the drive-through and get a hamburger."

More -- including word Cheeta's diabetic -- here. Nauseating NBC 11 shot of Cheeta snogging said trainer here.

On a personal note, it's my sister's 27th birthday today. She's deathly afraid of monkeys (to the extent that she named her cat "Monkey" in an unsuccessful attempt to conquer her fear). Happy birthday, Brit.

An Outrage! Send the AU Protestors to Scarlett's House!

At TtP we try to stay true to our commitment to keep our readers current on anything Scarlett Johansson. News, interviews, humorous quotes from the delightful young star. Our dreams and fantasies -- that could include feces, small children and animals. Truth be told, I've tried to convince Baylen that this libertarian blog thing is past it's prime. Done and overdone. Instead, why not all Scarlett, all the time? She's 22, does about 7 movies a year. Plenty to write about. Even if there isn't, we can just do what we always do and make shit up. Always works.

Why can't I get to the point of this Scarlett post? Because I don't want to. Because I can't bring myself to put the following down on pretend paper....

Scarlett Johansson is insisting on a no-nudity clause in all her movie contracts.

The curvaceous 22-year-old is determined to be seen as a serious actress and now won't commit to any role without the clause.

Please be a rumor. Please be a rumor...

Full article here. Via Celebritology.

My Ears

There's an interesting and raging Internet debate over the meaning of Alanis Morisette's cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" (watch it below). Is it parody? And who exactly is she making fun of? Fergie, for singing such crappy lyrics? Tori Amos, for trying to seriously cover pop songs? Herself? And why is she releasing it now? As an April Fool's joke? Even though April Fool's is about, uh, fooling people not releasing satire (but then she doesn't know the meaning of ironic either). Anyway, I'm not going to risk losing readers by stating my opinions on this subject. Lose readers by suggesting people have a constitutional right to have sex with the dead, sure. But over Alanis Morisette, no way.



Via The Superficial, who continues to bring the world important, up-to-the-minute updates on the walking piece of poo known as Lindsay Lohan.

Wooly Willy Britney

TtP reader, and feta-on-Denzel-Washington fan, Jenny suggests that the new, bald, unshaven Britney Spears looks a lot like Wooly Willy. You decide.

Newsflash: Britney Spears Source of New Venereal Disease

Uh, what the hell is that growing out of her crotch? Seriously. I think it might be a dog. But can we really be sure? This is Britney Spears we're talking about. I'm telling you right now if I hook up with a woman tonight and there's a dog coming out of her crotch I'm going to freak out. For real freak out. Like learning your partner has a Karl Rove fetish freak out. Or remembering that time you pulled out a chair at a bar in New Orleans and stuck your hand in someone else's cum freak out. If I was some crazy evangelical I would show my daughter this picture and say, "this is what happens when you kiss boys". God, Britney Spears is gross. Like feta and vomit gross. You know, it would be totally disgusting to eat, but then you would be like "oooh, feta". Only there's no feta with Britney Spears. Just vomit. And a dog growing out of her snatch. Anyways, good morning!

Via The Superficial.

Totally-Not-News-Turned-News-Story Turns Out to be Good Blog Material

I'm not sure when exactly the Associated Press stopped being a legitimate news source, but I'm going to call the time of death at Wednesday, March 14th, 7:37 PM ET. That's the time that the AP posted a "news" story about how Paula Abdul considers Simon Cowell to be "a really good friend". Look I get it that America loves to see a junkie and an asshole bicker back and forth on national television. Why do you think I've been pitching this talk show staring me and Baylen? But Abdul's and Cowell's feelings towards each other - on or off the screen - is not news. But then I don't consider sports results to be news, and I lament the fact that serious papers carry them. What I can say - besides the fact that I would love to fuck Paula Abdul with a broken beer bottle - is that I'm glad the AP at least carried these remarks:

Were they at first attracted to one another, as Cowell has suggested?

"Oh, puh-leez! He makes this stuff up," Abdul says. "He said, `Paula, people want us to hook up so bad.' I said, `That's disgusting.' He goes, `Paula, I know you want me,' and I go, `Like a cold sore.' We have fun playing up the chemistry, but there's also times when I would cross the other side of the street so I wouldn't have to look at him."

Wow. I don't know who I like more. Simon Cowell for using the "America wants us to hook up" line or Paula Abdul for pretending she doesn't already have cold sores.

Oh God, Please Make This Come True

Great reality show ideas, via Celebritology. Give Mr. Lohan a chance and make it happen Hollywood!

...including a pitch for another reality show in which he and Lindsay would be put on a desert island along with Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and their dads.

And then there is this:

"And he's got other ideas, like going out on Sunset Boulevard and giving a prostitute a hundred dollar bill -- not for sex, but for her time so he can talk to her and try to save her. He wants to make things right with the world. And especially with his family."

Good for him. I'm sure you're asking yourself, "What about Rob? I'm sure he has some white-hot concepts that he's itching to put on the Networks." Well I'm glad you asked. My top reality show ideas in no particular order. I'm speaking in my Producer voice, so 3rd person here I come!

1. Put Rob on the cast of The Hills. Watch as he recreates his weekends in So Cal with the Hills crowd. Mostly will consist of him calling them "rich cunts, selfish no-good whores," followed by "I think you are hot, do you what to have a three-some." Of course he will be waving his drink drunkenly; sporting his "look", which for lack of a better term could be called the "Old Navy Retro '97." The highlight of this show would be during the late-night hours when Rob inappropriately rubs himself under the table, or on top, while giving Lauren the thousand-yard stare.


2. Put Rob on the cast of Maui Fever. Uh...pretty much same plot outline as above.


3. Only MTV unrelated concept. And I've Rob has been really selling this one hard -- Grab Mel Gibson. Get a room. Add tequila and a different minority every week. Laughter to follow

Now, why can't I get any traction on these?

Hollywood's Calling for the Movie Rights

Fat falsetto singer John Popper of the late, neo-hippy band Blues Traveler

was arrested near Ritzville after the vehicle he was riding in was clocked going 111 mph, the Washington State Patrol said.

[Ellipsis]

A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments. Inside were four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade knife, a stun gun and night vision goggles.

Popper told officers he collected weapons, the patrol said.

The vehicle also had flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a public address system.

"Popper indicated to troopers that he had installed these items in his vehicle because (in the event of a natural disaster) he didn't want to be left behind," the patrol said.

Reason to move from Seattle: Mt. Ranier might blow, and the Alaskan Way Viaduct will crumble. Even bigger reason: Having to deal with that plus John Popper's shrill voice blaring at you from his SUV's PA system as he fires his stun gun at you indiscriminately on the I-5. More here.

Spears' Shears: Conspiracy Theory Forms

An urban legend is already forming around the idea that Britney Spears shaved off her hair to avoid detection of her prior drug use. My first thought on hearing this was, but doesn't she have other hair? Yes, of course, but The Explainer of Slate explained it to me.

Head hair grows about half an inch every month, so a woman with shoulder-length hair carries around a two-year record of her drug use.

So, presumably, Brit didn't need to shave off her "eyebrows" as her drug use was in the past, and eyebrow hair is not so long, or at least we hope it isn't.

Who Dies First?

Britney Spears or Fidel Castro?

I Would Like to Taste Her Pudding

Scarlett Johansson has been crowned the Harvard Hasty Pudding woman of the year. Leave your pudding jokes in the comment sections.

RIP, Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith is apparently glamorous, fabulous and outrageous no more. More.

Charlize Theron is Probably Reprehensible

Actress Charlize Theron, who's produced a new documentary, East of Havana, about teenage rappers living under the Cuban dictatorship, told CNN's milquetoast Rick Sanchez during an interview yesterday that the U.S. is, like Cuba, not free. Here's my transcription.

Sanchez: Do you think the lack of freedoms in Cuba are parallel to the lack of freedoms in the United States?

Theron: Well, um, yeah, I would compare those two.

[...]

Sanchez: Sounds like you don't have a very high opinion of the United States...

Theron: Oh my God! You're so wrong... I absolutely love... Why do you think I live in the United States?

[...]

Theron: I want to make out with you right now.

Video here If Broadway Joe can't get away with this shit -- hey, at least his meltdown was funny -- then neither should Ms. Theron.

In Theron's defense, she did have some more thoughtful words on the topic for the Miami Herald yesterday:

Theron said that many of the young people she met questioned Fidel Castro's regime.

'I think the younger generation is starting to say, `You know what -- it doesn't work. We're not happy. We want to have freedom of speech. We want to be able to travel,' '' she said.

OK, fine. But such questioning may not extend to her co-filmmakers, who -- though they give the de rigeur shout out to freedom in this Latina interview -- also link to some equally de rigeur 'Oh, the wonderful Cuban healthcare/education/arts' bullshit from the film's MySpace page.

If you're looking for a better way to spend your time on something Cuban, go check out 1997's ¿Quién diablos es Juliette?, the true story of a young prostitute who is the inspiration for and subject of a documentary hatched on the spot during the filming of a music video starring Fabiola Quiroz-Brown, the Mexican wife of Stone Roses frontman Ian Brown. Good stuff. Honest.

No One Ever Says "When I Grow Up I Want to Work in Fast Food"

I've worked at a number of fast-food joints over the years, including Long John Silvers in high school (lets just say that the girls working there smelled like fish & chips and not because they worked there) and Taco Bell a couple years after I left college (still the best job I've ever had - drunk college chicks and free tacos). So I certainly know the merits of working in fast-food. At the risk of getting too hokey, it really did prepare me for something better. But there was something better, and it's foolish to insist that working in fast-food is some sort of a dream come true.

A leading restaurant association has called for the cancellation of a TV commercial featuring Britney Spears' estranged husband, Kevin Federline, as a failed rap star working in a fast-food eatery.

In a 30-second ad for Nationwide Insurance, Federline is shown dreaming he is a rap star but then snaps out of it to face reality -- he's working at a burger restaurant.

[..]

But the National Restaurant Association's Chief Executive Steven Anderson has written to Nationwide saying the ad leaves the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant and asking the commercial to be dumped.

"An ad such as this would be a strong and a direct insult to the 12.8 million Americans who work in the restaurant industry," wrote Anderson, head of the association that represents 935,000 U.S. restaurants. "Developing creative concepts that accomplish the marketing strategies for a product should not require denigrating another industry."

The really funny part is that K-Fed is literally one step away from working in fast-food.

More here.

More Proof Having a Child Not the Same as Being a Mother

The Sun has captured the rarest of images. No, they didn't get a shot of an ivory-billed woodpecker. Rarer, still. Look: it's Britney Spears carrying her kid!

Hey, I for one would have been sufficiently impressed with separate photos of the two appearing within days of each other in the same zip code.

Barely Legal, Barely Clothed, and Barely Sober

Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab. For her addiction to Jamba Juice. Or something like that. Do you really care what she's addicted to? No, of course not. All you want to see are these pictures of her without a bra in a see through dress. So click on it already you big perv.

In related naughty news, the folks at The Superficial wrestle with a dilemma everyone faces at some point in their lives.

Tax Children, Subsidize Birth Control (Or Babies Should be Cooked Not Heard)

What will the "tax junk food, subsidize vegetables" crowd have to say about the latest obesity study?

Adults living with young children eat significantly more fat than grown-ups with no kids at home, a new study shows.

Adults with kids consumed nearly 5 more grams of fat and 1.7 more grams of saturated fat every day, the equivalent of an individual pepperoni pizza a week, Dr. Helena Laroche of the University of Iowa in Iowa City and her colleagues found. Adults living with children younger than 17 also ate more salty snacks, cheese, beef, ice cream, cakes and cookies, pizza, and processed meats like bacon.

Thunder thighs and stretch marks, yeah child-bearing is so hot. Sign me up for sleepless nights and a house that smells like baby shit! Yeah, I hate babies. But not as much as this guy.

Few things repulse me more than babies. The mere sight of one fills me with an intense disgust that can only be alleviated by the absolute destruction of the offending object. The idea that babies are 'cute' is a concept so foreign to my sensibilities that I really wonder if people who subscribe to that notion are in full control of their mental facilities. Babies are NOT cute. They are vile little creatures with no redeeming qualities.

[snip]

People that have a baby think they deserve to get special treatment. They'll get no such favors from me! I WILL NOT give up my seat on a bus to a pregnant woman. If I see a woman pushing a stroller towards the entrance of a store, I WILL NOT hold the door open for her. If I'm in a public place like a movie theater and someone's baby is creating a disturbance, I tell them to shut the fucking thing up or get the hell out! Even some criminals I know won't rob a woman who has a baby. Hell, they make the BEST victims. Just run up to her and knock the baby from her arms. She'll be so focused on it's welfare that she won't even try and stop you from taking her purse.

And have you ever wondered just how stupid Britney Spears is? Well, wonder no more.

Pop beauty, Britney Spears was tricked by Paris Hilton into thinking she had jeopardized her chances of ever having an orgasm again. While the two 25-year-olds were partying at Los Angelesclub Area the 'Toxic' singer lit the filter end of her cigarette which flared up as she inhaled. Paris then apparently told her it would damage her ability to climax.

A source revealed to the National Enquirer magazine: Paris told Britney, 'Oh my God! Don't you know that lighting a cigarette the wrong way and inhaling stops the blood flow to your private parts, and doing it more than once means you may never experience orgasm again!'"Britney was horrified and ran around for about ten minutes asking everyone if they had ever heard that and what she should do about it."

Finally Paris stopped giggling and told Britney it was a joke, saying: "I had you going, didn't I?" The 'Baby One More Time' singer slapped her friend on the arm and they then had a play fight.

God, she's stupid. Can't you just imagine K-Fed telling her that she won't get pregnant if she jumps up and down after sex? Or she won't get pregnant if he fucks another woman and loses $100,000 of Britney's money in Vegas?

More on the "public health" menace posed by children here.

Buy your own "I Hate Babies" t-shirt here, if you're so inclined.

Richard, Meet Richard

From the Telegraph

"I'll be the man," Gere said before the two twirled for a few seconds in Mr Koizumi's office.

Mr Koizumi, who has been called "the Japanese Richard Gere" because of his resemblance to the American heartthrob, discussed his love of movies in a brief meeting with the actor.

Ah, Richard. Wooing oriental statesmen, starring in Hollywood classics like Dr T and the Women and Runaway Bride, all the while doing something (I'm not sure what, perhaps he has a bumper sticker) to save - I'm sorry -to free Tibet. I salute you, an International Man of Intrigue, Richard Gere.

Africa, Goldilocks, and Britney Spears' Smelly Naked Crotch

No wonder so many leftists are crazy. Like meth addicts, they never sleep. How can they with problems everywhere they turn. First, famine in Africa. Now, obesity in Africa. They're like Goldilocks. So obsessed with finding the perfect that they're still around when the bears get home. And the bears represent big government and economic ruin. Or something like that. I can't be expected to come up with good metaphors when The Superficial is posting pictures of Britney Spears' naked crotch. My eyes, my eyes, my eyes. (Hint: click on the Shaggy to see the shaggy, you big sicko.)

Anyway, back to the story.

Africa, a continent usually synonymous with hunger, is falling prey to obesity. It's a trend driven by new lifestyles and old beliefs that big is beautiful. Ask Nodo Njobo, a plump hairdressing assistant. She is coy about her weight, but like many African women, proud of her "big bum." She says she'd like to be slimmer, but worries how her friends would react.

[snip]

More than one-third of African women and a quarter of African men are estimated to be overweight, and the World Health Organization predicts that will rise to 41 percent and 30 percent respectively in the next 10 years.

And here's the punchline.

Worldwide, an estimated 1 billion people are overweight, compared to 800 million who are undernourished.

But wait. There's more. If you act now, you get this bonus leftist lunacy.

"It's not true that only the rich have problems with obesity and overweight," says Jean-Claude Mbanya, director of Cameroon's National Obesity Center.

"The poor suffer even more."

I feel a new We Are The World song coming on. I'm sure K-Fed and Michael Jackson can stir up some humanitarian passions, although I'm not quite sure what they'll ask for. To stop shipping food to Africa? Seriously, it's hard being a white man. People are starving in Africa and it's all my fault. Now people are too fat in Africa and it's all my fault. What's next, a news story on how South Africans are now too racially integrated?

Stab Me Once, Shame on You. Stab Me Twice, Shame on Me.

O.J. Simpson is doing a TV interview to publicize his new "how to" book.

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

The LAPD are the smartest police in the world. Not just planting his bloody glove and fingerprints at the scene, but putting offensive style wounds on his hands and making him write a suicide note in which he basically confesses to the double homicide. Yep, those police sure are talented. In related news, I'm still working on my book "Cicero: If I Fucked Scarlett Johansson, Here's How It Happened." See, O.J. really did kill Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman. And I really did fuck Scarlett Johansson. Get it? Get it? Do you get it?

I threw salt on the wounds of O.J.'s victims here. (Sorry, Keith)

And when God closes the door by making a Britney Spears sex tape available, he opens a door.

Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson is spitting mad, and the reason for her ire are reports that she is the leading lady in a steamy audio sex tape that has hit the internet. Johansson is said to have inadvertently made the tape after accidentally leaving her microphone on during a romp with beau Josh Hartnett in a parked car. The couple, who hooked up while working on the film 'The Black Dahlia', can be heard having oral sex, the audio tape of which is being sold on the Internet for 26 dollars, reports NW magazine.

Jesus, Buddha, Allah, I love you all!

I Can't Wait for the TomKat Wedding

to be held in Italy this Saturday. What will happen at this celebrity / scientologist wedding? Will they serve placenta to their guests? Instead of cake will he smear feces on Katie's face? Will they all wear tin-foil hats to ward-off Klingons, or whoever it is that Scientologists are afraid of? Nothing would surprise me at this point. Except for a normal wedding. Which would be impossible to have in the 15th Century medieval castle they're holding their wedding in. Will he have Katie beheaded if she speaks out of turn? My Magic Eightball says "yes". (Actually it says "try again" but I don't have all day to get the answer I want).

In other celebrity news, the only thing stranger than a Cruise / Holmes wedding, is wax replicas of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting married.

And in the sleaziest move of all time, Kevin Federline is using a four-hour sex tape of him and Britney to blackmail Britney into paying $30 million and giving him custody of the kids. Could this guy sink any lower? Not after having sex with Britney Spears for four hours. Gross. I would rather have sex with my sister than Britney Spears. Of course my sister is hot and gives good blow jobs, so it's not even close. Superficial has a 19-second clip of the video here. Totally NOT SAFE FOR WORK or your eyes.

Oops

CNN.com reports:

Britney Spears files for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

No link yet.

Happy Post-Halloween!

My Happy Halloween post, which encouraged people to submit disgusting comments, obviously bombed. So to make it up to you, here's pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a sexy Halloween costume.

Disclaimer: Neither TtP nor TtP bloggers are liable if you're fired from your job for masturbating in your office to these pictures. And believe me you will want to. I've masturbated three times already to them. Of course, I'm blogging from St. Elizabeth's Mental Hospital where that kind of thing is acceptable. As long as you're not throwing your spunk around. Which is hard not to do when you're an altruist like me. What can I say, my momma raised me to share.

Immigration, Lindsay Lohan, and Good Kisses

As I've said before, proof positive that many of the anti-immigrant folks are racist is their willingness to turn America into a police state to identify and remove illegal immigrants. It's one thing to oppose immigration in theory and quite another to be so anti-immigrant that you're willing to give up your own rights just for the off chance that some illegal immigrants will be caught. No where is the whiff of anti-immigration fascism stronger than Hazleton, Pennsylvania. Because of a court ruling, they've lost a battle. But they will probably win their war.

A federal judge on Tuesday blocked the city of Hazleton from enforcing a pair of ordinances targeting illegal immigrants, just hours before the measures were to go into effect.

The measures, approved by City Council last month, would have imposed fines on landlords who rent to illegal immigrants and denied business permits to companies that give them jobs. They also would have required tenants to register with City Hall and pay for a rental permit.

These laws clearly are oppressive. But I think it's legally dubious to suggest they're unconstitutional. Unless there's a 9th Amendment right not to be required to report who you're renting your apartment to. And that would be a really broad reading of the amendment. I used to think that the 9th Amendment protected my right to break into Lindsay Lohan's house and wear her underwear. But the Supreme Court ruled against me. For a bunch of people who basically wear pajamas to work those justices sure can be tight-asses. Anyway, you can't blame a guy for trying. Especially when she's making comments like this:

"Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person. It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship. I mean if the sex is bad, the relationship's not going anywhere. Anyway, I don't even think I have had my best kiss yet. "

Since we haven't kissed yet, I can vouch that she has yet to have her best kiss. And as soon as I reverse this restraining order we will be kissing up a storm.

Superficial Link to Lindsay Lohan in pajamas here. And while we're at it, a glimpse of Avril Lavigne's panties. To cool you off, here's a picture of Suzanne Somers after she was touched by Goldfinger.

I'm Not Showering Any More

Because I'm afraid of sharks after watching that movie Deep Water, which was basically The Blair Witch Project in the ocean - only not laughably silly. And only slightly less annoying. Seriously, I think all bickering couples should be dropped off in the middle of shark-infested waters. I also think politicians should be dropped off in the middle of the ocean. And Britney Spears. But not Paris Hilton, because I wouldn't subject the sharks to that. Anyways, this really has little to do with the reason I'm making this post. So I've basically wasted your time. Sucks to be you.

If you're like me, you base your decisions on who to vote for on the recommendations of a boringly-long horror writer who should have quit writing after Pet Cemetery. So here you go (7th story down in the link).

Stephen King has a special Halloween request for voters: helping him end the "nightmare" he calls the GOP majorities in Congress.

In an e-mail with the subject line "I know scary," King asks members of MoveOn.org to help organize pre-Halloween phone parties this weekend. At the parties, attendees will call "progressive" voters in key districts to remind them to vote Nov. 7.

"If I know anything, I know scary," he writes. "And giving this president and this out-of-control Congress two more years to screw up our future is downright terrifying. Thankfully, this national nightmare is one we can end with,— literally, a wake up call."
[...]
"And since it's Halloween, we'll celebrate with an optional costume contest, some pumpkin carving (I'll be making a Jack-Abramoff-O'’Lantern) and, —of course, —plenty of candy," he added.

By the way, will someone please take my idea of starting an anti-MoveOn website called www.MoveOnAlready.com. Or www.MoveAlong.com. Come on, help a brother out.

Gratuitous link to a picture of a Good Samaritan telling Paris Hilton she should get off a stripper pole because she's making people puke here.

Bonus grizzly Paris Hilton story: A new Harris Interactive survey finds that Paris Hilton is the celebrity people would most like to see die in a horror movie. She received 39% of the vote. (You would be surprised what turns up when you google "Paris Hilton" and "die".)

Gain Weight, Live Longer

I'm disgusted by the death penalty. I'm also disgusted by obese people. So my disgusting sensibilities are really confused when an obese person tries to use his weight as an excuse to keep himself from being executed.

A federal judge on Tuesday delayed next week's execution of cult leader Jeffrey Lundgren to allow him to join a lawsuit by five other death row inmates challenging the state's use of lethal injection.

In his request to join the lawsuit, Lundgren, 56, said he is at even greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering during the procedure than other inmates because he is overweight and diabetic.

Similar lawsuits filed in several states have led to the halting of executions in Missouri, Delaware and New Jersey.

This case really bothers me. Not because it may mean that a piece-of-shit child-killer could avoid execution. But because it could mean that a fat Britney Spears could never be executed. And that's a society that should be ashamed of itself. Like making out with your mother ashamed. Unless your mother is Jessica Simpson, in which case incest is hot. Pictures of Jessica Simpson busting out of her shirt here. (Via Superficial of course).

Hat tip to Jenny who thinks diabetes is a disease even though it's really an evil spirit.

This is Pretty Much How I Would React If I Was Being Held By Paris Hilton

God, she's gross. More pics of the dog trying to get away from her stench here. Speaking of ugly, WTF is up with this "outfit" that Lindsay Lohan is wearing?? Also, I know it's hump day. So you're just goofing off at work counting down the minutes until you can leave work to shag someone, or planning some fun bar-hopping in hopes of shagging someone, or resigning yourself to the fact that you're going to have to shag alone tonight. You can waste some time thanking the gods that O.J. Simpson didn't end up starring in "The Terminator" here, although "I'll be back - to stab you and your boyfriend" does have a nice ring to it.

Lindsay Lohan's Vagina

This post is dedicated to TtP reader Mike who appreciates my links to Superficial posts about Lindsay Lohan giving head, not wearing underwear, etc. You can see her shaved twat here (NSFW). The Superficial accurately describes her vagina as follows:

If you're easily offended by beat-up looking vaginas, I highly recommend you not click the above image. Because this one looks like it went ten rounds with a boxing kangaroo.

Yum!

As an added bonus, here's a link to pictures of Victoria Beckham with her shirt unbuttoned.

As an added added bonus, here's a link to a video of Michelle Malkin talking about Girls Gone Wild, via The Agitator who understands Bill O'Reilly's game (hint: clips of hot college girls going wild sells).

Hollywood Limousine Liberal and the Hypocriscy of Her Million Dollar Handbag

Lindsay Lohan lost her handbag at Heathrow, and it was subsequently found by diligent UK policemen. Of note is that Lohan was upset because her handbag contained about $1 million of jewelry.

In other news, Lohan is passionate about her role in an upcoming film called "Bobby," about the assassination of RFK.

I strongly encourage people of my age and generation to have a say and to vote, and to involve themselves in what's going on in the world, because they are living in it.

Like him or not, Bobby Kennedy did have the interests of the poor foremost in his mind. In the speech in which he announced his presidential candidacy (this is good current read, btw, because of his stance on Vietnam and the obvious Iraq parallel), he said

As a member of the cabinet and member of the Senate I have seen the inexcusable and ugly deprivation which causes children to starve in Mississippi, black citizens to riot in Watts; young Indians to commit suicide on their reservations because they've lacked all hope and they feel they have no future, and proud and able-bodied families to wait our their lives in empty idleness in eastern Kentucky.

I wonder how Bobby would have felt about a 20 year-old Hollywood strumpet I mean starlet walking around with $1 million of jewelry in her handbag and invoking his name.

What's All This Here

I'm in London for a few days and then will be heading to Amsterdam for the Reason "conference", so it will be a couple of weeks before I do any substantive posts (of course, by substantive I mean cutting and pasting from CQ articles and linking to blog posts about Britney Spears). I have some good ideas on some London-oriented posts on Winston Churchill (he worked 18-hour days, unlike our so-called war-time President), London's sensible solution to second-hand smoke (hint: you can smoke in pubs, just not at the bar where the bartenders will breathe it), and the British Museum (they should give back all the stuff they stole to the countries they stole it from). But for now, here's a list of things I like and don't like about London:

What I Like About London

--British women have nice racks. Seriously, I didn't realize they were so buxom. Everything I learned from watching Benny Hill is true.

--I find the British accent so adorable. The British people are like talking teddy bears. Even the kids sound cute when they're being annoying. I don't want children, but I would be tempted to have some if they spoke with a British accent. So if there are any hot British girls reading this that are dying to mate, write me. "What's all this here, Dad" has a nice ring to it.

--Scooterman offers this fantastic service. If you're drunk and can't drive home, they will send a licensed chauffeur to meet you at the pub and drive your car home. Brilliant!

--I've only noticed a few of these, but I love the combination hand washer / dryer. You put your hand underneath it and it dispenses water and soap. Then it blow drys you off. It's about time. I'm tired of having to wash my hands in the sink and then walk three steps to blow dry them.

--The British parliament looks like it's made out of matchsticks.

What I Don't Like About London

--It is outrageously expensive. God. And I could get more pounds for pieces of shit than my dollars. Also, a single trip on the subway costs 3£ (that's $6); but a pint of beer only costs about 2£. Why is it cheaper to drink than to take the subway across town???

--Pay toilets suck. I had to pay a dollar (50 pences) yesterday to pee. This alone makes me glad that we threw off the shackles of British oppression.

--Packs of cigarettes cost 5£ or more in the pubs (that's $10). Jesus. I could take 10 dumps for that much.

--I've been here about 32 hours and have yet to hear a single person use the word brilliant. WTF? I came here all this way and demand to hear the word brilliant. I'm going pub crawling tonight in a non-tourist section, so hopefully I will get my brilliant fix.

The Human Condition

Hit the crack pipe one more time. As this three-minute video clip shows, Britney Spears is just like the rest of us. Only gross and whiney.

Creative destruction (pdf). The driver who endured the toughest commute over the old Wilson Bridge in Virginia will soon get payback: pushing the trigger that blows the bridge up. This may be the best government-sponsored contest ever.

Roll over, bitch. A fat slug-like alien puts women on a leash in a science fiction movie and the movie become a smash hit. A black man puts women on a leash in a cartoon and it's a national scandal. Fight the power!

First two stories via TtP reader Davey Allday who can do it all day long. And by do it I mean drink gin & tonics.

Can You Hear Me Now, Cynthia McKinney? Don't Even Try to Bleach My Ass, Tom Cruise. You can start a civil war in my pants any day, Lindsay Lohan!

Congresswoman Cynthia "Get Out of My Way, I'm Cynthia McKinney" McKinney has lost her primary race. Apparently Georgia voters hate assaulting police officers with cell phones as much as they hate promoting 9-11 conspiracy theories. God, they're lucky to have someone as interesting as Cynthia McKinney. They could have Dennis "Fat Fuck" Hastert. Or Joe "running for president for political reasons" Biden. Or Mark "ugly face" Souder. I mean a crazy member of Congress in the hand is worth two lame members of Congress in the bush.

This is the second time McKinney has been kicked out of Congress. Will she pull off another come back? Not if Tom Cruise gets his way. I have no proof that he is behind 9-11 or the defeat of Cynthia McKinney, but he is a scientolgist. And what's the point of belonging to some kooky religion if people can't blame everything on you. Like making your wife bleach her anus.

Oh what the hell, here are my favorite comments to the Daily Dish's post entitled "Cruise Denies Baby Shyness".

Comments

What's wrong with being reluctant to show off your alien-baby?
Posted By: BigFatMoore August 08 2006 at 02:39 PM

I got as far as "Cruise denies baby."
Posted By: mammamia August 08 2006 at 02:48

BTW- I can't even watch a TC movie anymore- I think he's trying to brainwash us all through secret mind-tricks through the DVD player....I can't believe I had a crush on him after I saw "All the Right Moves!" damn!What was I thinking?!?!
Posted By: purplebay August 08 2006 at 05:34 PM

Bonus: Lindsay Lohan wants to go to Iraq to entertain the troops with or without Hillary Clinton the Satanic Senator from New York.

"I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be."

Wow. I guess we all have our aspirations. Some people want to bring peace to the Middle East. Others want to be ogled by the Middle East. Nobel peace prize winner or beautiful sex kitten? Who would you want to sleep with?

Bonus Bonus: Screw the real sequels to Rambo, Rocky and Die Hard that are in the works, I want to see this fake sequel made:

Beastmaster: The Age of Man. Dar (Marc Singer) now runs a ferret-breeding ranch with his longtime love Kiri (Tanya Robert), but their peace is threatened when concerned neighbors tell Dar he's too old to continue to wear a loincloth. His ability to talk to animals is muddled by dementia, but that won't stop him from saving himself and the defending the rights of elder loincloth wearers in this age of sorcery and savagery.

Rob Schneider Is Kicking Mel Gibson Off The Cheerleading Squad

Rob Schneider placed an ad in a newspaper today declaring that

I, Rob Schneider, a 1/2 Jew, pledge from this day forth to never work with Mel Gibson -actor - director- producer -and anti-Semite.

The letter's pretty funny, although I'm not entirely sure if that was its intended tone. There's mention of the "Apocalypto" movie, though, and I'm pretty sure anyone who mentions THAT knows they're bringing up something comical.

Lindsay Lohan Parties?

Lindsay Lohan, who's looking pretty hot lately, is currently making a movie called Georiga Rule - that is, when she's not calling in sick or at the hospital for heat exhaustion.

The production company? Not so big on this. In fact, they tell her she's acting like a spoiled child.

What You Should Be Reading

--David Weigel's posts at Wonkette on Katherine Harris. Not sure if he's responsible for creating the image on the right or not, but whoever created it should get this year's Nobel Prize in Blogging.

--English-monarch-hating Nick Gillespie's excellant response to Pat Buchanan's call for a truce in the culture wars.

--Joseph McNamara's response to Radley Balko's Overkill.

--Linsay Lohan shows off her rear and Paris Hilton bathes with feces at The Superficial.

--Enrique Krauze's op-ed in today's Washington Post on Mexico's failed presidential candidate and professional douche bag López Obrador.

The Secret Word is Hezbollah

For those coming to our birthday happy hour at Madam's Organ tonight (and for that matter Reason's happy hour tomorrow), here's a challenge for you. Any time you're going to use the word "gay" in a non-literal sense (i.e. "that movie was gay", "drinking lattes is so gay", etc.) , use the word "hezbollah" instead. If anyone asks what you mean, tell them hezbollah is Arabic for someone who doesn't know that they're gay yet.

Examples:

--"God, you're so hezbollah."
-- "Girl, you're totally wasting your time with him. He's hezbollah."
--"I'm totally not hezbollah. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
--"I don't care what you say. Listening to Britney Spears is pretty damn hezbollah."

I think it would be great if hezbollah became the new santorum. Also, I think we need a word for when people mean "gay" but not "gay gay".

"The Hoff" Denies Getting Drunk and Going on a Godzilla-like Rampage Through Hotel for Midgets

As we've reported in several posts, the man who puts the "hassle" in "hassleoff" has a serious drinking problem. And we don't just mean not being able to get PBR in Europe. He keeps getting drunk and injuring himself, and not in a good way (which would end in death, putting the world out of its misery). But, he's still not man enough to admit it.

David 'The Hoff' Hasselhoff says he sliced four tendons and an artery in his right arm last month in an accident in London. He was shaving when he hit his head on a lamp and it broke.

"I guess the hotel was built for short people," he says. "I lifted my head, and broke the lamp. One piece sliced my hand like beef. So I went into Mitch Buchannon rescue mode, `What's the number for 911 in London?'"

[snip]

"The tabloids make so much stuff up," he says. "I was at Wimbledon, and they said I was escorted out drunk. ... Absolutely not. I don't drink anymore."

Are you kidding me? Sober people don't accidentally cut their arteries open with hotel lamps. Unless they're in a Final Destination movie. Which he wasn't. And even if he was, he wouldn't cut himself by accidentally hitting his head on a lamp. First, the TV would have to short-circuit five seconds before the money shot of the porno he was watching, forcing him to get out of bed. Then he would somehow trip and get his penis stuck in the coffee maker. Which would start making scalding hot coffee. This would cause him to panic and trip over a phone cord, breaking a lamp and causing shards of glass to slice into his tendons and arteries. Then he would lie there on the floor thinking, oh god I'm going to be found dead with my penis in a coffee-maker, what will the world think. If not this scenario, then he was drunk off his ass trying to shave. Really these are the only two plausible explanations. (Ps. Final Destination 3 comes out on DVD today.)

Bonus Hoff-confusing-reality-with-tv quote:

The 54-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on "Baywatch" for 11 years, is also writing his memoirs.

"It's about growing up since I was 7 and realizing a dream," he tells the magazine. "But when I was out trying to save the world, I forgot to save myself."

Boxed Set: Britney Spears' Greatest (S)hits

A collection of TtP posts about Britney. (By no means the definitive collection). Dedicated to The Intern.

Britney Miffed at Not Being a Cover Girl

Eau de Spears

Britney is Majorly Preg-o Watch

Who is a Bad Ass? (Besides Baylen, Of Course)

No Charges for Britney!

Apocalypse

Britney's Fantasy

I've Been Thinking of Getting a Purse

This One Has me Unexpectedly Longing for 'Piss Christ'

Maryland Ain't Buying Gov's Wife's Directorial Audition for 'Girls Gone Wild'

Calling a Spade a Spade

What's Grosser Than Gross?

Stop Trying to Gross Me Out

More Child-Safety Lessons from Britney Spears

Britney Dresses for a Backyard Pity Party

Britney Spears is to Parenting What Rumsfeld is to War-Planning

Britney Spears is Like the Greek Goddess Aphrodite

Britney Spears' Baby Eaten by a Tiger!!

Best Worst of TtP 2: Their Big Break; But Would They Blow It?

More fluff highlights from our early months:

1) Britney is Majorly Preg-o Watch
Nikos boldly links to a picture of a pregnant Britney Spears.
2) A Deadly Enema, The Little Jew, and a Shrieking Joan Crawford Orgasm
Uh, just read it already.
3) Ménage a Trois
Minerva Oblongata wouldn't want one with Congresswoman Katherine Harris.
4) Nice Girls Finish Last Webshiksa digs up a quote by Camille Paglia on the Jennifer/Brad/Angelina saga.

Every Time Our Country Has Unprotected Sex with President Bush We End Up With Sores on Our Body Politic

In an op-ed in today's Washington Post, Senator Arlen Specter (chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee) says that "Bush's electronic surveillance program has been a festering sore on our body politic since it was publicly disclosed last December." He then goes on to throw salt on the sores by urging people to support his bill, which would expand - not limit - Bush's power.

The bill extends from three days to seven the time, in emergency situations, that the government can conduct surveillance without the court's permission. [editor's note: this limit does not include cases in which the President feels like not notifying the court at all]. It permits the attorney general to delegate his authority to seek emergency warrants to subordinate officials. And it exempts from FISA's jurisdiction communications between two persons overseas that gets routed through domestic servers. The bill would also transfer the various lawsuits challenging the program to the FISC for consideration under its secure procedures. [editor's note: a secret court controlled by Bush will determine whether or not his actions are constitutional. I wonder how they will rule.]

Senator Specter is pretty much giving President Bush a legislative blow job. While complaining about festering sores. Thanks to a few tweaks by Monsato this joke is able to write itself. (Why did the dumb blonde name her dog Herpes? Answer: Because it wouldn't heel.) And speaking of festering sores, Donald Trump is one. So, for him to be lecturing Britney Spears on anything is pretty rich. And from Trump University, no less. I'm not sure what exactly they teach there, but I assume it's how to fire people with three fingers up your ass. And speaking of schooling, I think Sean Preston Spears-Federline is giving Suri the Pseudo-Baby good advice on staying in the headlines.

1. Squirm around photographers especially when Mommy has her hands full.
2. Always refuse to be restrained.
3. Never misbehave unless the photogs are there.
4. Don't complain when Mommy dresses you like a gangsta. That's front page news, baby and maybe even gets you a mention on Letterman.
5. Manny good; Nanny bad.
6. Stay away from Blanket. He's just freaky.

To the People Birthday Bash

To the People has turned one and we're celebrating next week in DC. We've come a long way since our first post; but we're still basically crapping in our diapers. You be the judge of whether or not we're fulfilling Baylen's ("The Founder", as TtP historians will call him one day) guiding vision:

Our goal is to knock down the normal level of discourse found at most libertarian blogs by at least a few notches. Lowbrow, if you will. Yes, you'll find an intellectual argument made here from time to time. (Bone to the nerds: as I type this, one of our writers is working on a sexy gold-standard piece.) But we hope that's not all you look for here, lest you find crushing disappointment. Sure, I'm very happy to share important ideological and philosophical beliefs with many really brilliant people doing wonderful things. But that's not me; that's not To the People. While I like libertarianism because it's the only path to a society of meaningful freedoms, I like it even more because it defends my right to drink a lot of booze, smoke some weed, eat still-living animals, kill myself, prolong my life indefinitely, masturbate in the HOV lane, etc. etc.

There are many people to thank for our success. Our loyal readers (we average about 1,400 visitors a day). The TtP bloggers who have (ahem) come and gone. Radley Balko, Nick Gillespie and others who kindly linked to us early on. George Bush and Britney Spears who have provided us with so much material. Al Gore who invented the internet. Shaft. That annoying kid Rudy who inspired us all. And, of course, our dead homies. Little D. Fat Sterling. Medium-Size Bob. That guy with the limp who made us laugh and cry.

Over the next week I'll post highlights from our previous posts. A best of To the People, if you will (or worse of, as the case may be).

If you're in DC next Wednesday, come celebrate with us:

To the People's First and Last First Annual Birthday Party

Hosts: Baylen, Cicero, Leonardo, The Intern and some Bloggers Emeriti

Location: Madam's Organ
2461 18th Street NW, Washington DC

When: Wednesday, July 26, 7:00pm to 10:00pm

Why come? Because it's not often that this particular blog turns one.

Britney Spears' Baby Eaten by a Tiger!!

is what the headlines will say when she drops her baby into a tiger's den.

Britney Spears has written a little post on her official site (the Love B section) dedicated to tigers and their "mysteriousness". She writes:

"In some ways, people are a lot like animals. I'm mesmerized by tigers. Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival. They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them. They pull you in and make it difficult to look away. They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger."

"They pull you in and make it difficult to look away." I suppose that's true, if the tiger knows voodoo and casts a love spell on you. I mean can you imagine Britney Spears making out with a tiger? I can. She goes to kiss it and the tiger bites her head off. Not that much different than kissing K Fed I suppose. God, that would be one celebrated tiger. Move over Tony the Tiger and hello Tiger That Ate Britney. It could run for the White House. And eat the President. Then become the first Tiger President. Sorry, the first Tiger-American President. I would vote for the Tiger That Ate Britney, wouldn't you?

Via The Superficial. (WARNING: this link goes to a post containing a picture of a fat Britney Spears showing some cleavage and holding her ugly baby.)