Know Your Limits -- Then Push Them Until You're Willing to Sleep with Rob

Daily Mail:

Middle class drinkers are to be bombarded with TV, radio and newspaper adverts warning them of the dangers of alcohol.

Ministers are stepping up their campaign against unhealthy boozing with a multi-million pound blitz on people who have a glass of two of wine at home at the end of the day.

The drive, launched today, is designed to alert middle-aged drinkers to the number of units of alcohol in each glass and leave them in no doubt that regularly exceeding recommended levels causes health problems.[...]

"We are not saying don't drink," public health minister Dawn Primarolo insisted last night. "I enjoy a glass of wine myself.

"It is not saying don't, it's saying here's the information and think about it. It is presented in a nonjudgmental, directly identifiable environment."

Good grief...The terrorist have won. Isn't this what we Yanks and Brits are fighting for in Iraq? The right to drink as much booze as we want at home? Don't the Islamistfacisterroist hates us because of our decadent, whore mongering western culture that feeds on excess in drugs, alcohol and sex? That's the war I signed up for and I'm punching out if that isn't the plan anymore. Let me know when we are back on that "terrorist hate us for who we are" meme.

In the meantime, check out the UK's Know Your Limits website, bound to make you laugh and give you a chubby at the same time. There you can post your "I'm a whore who uses booze as an excuse to be a big whore" stories like Anna:

"A typical example of a night out was once when I was in a pub with a group of friends, and I slipped out unnoticed – my mates found me unconscious later on, in a shop doorway covered in my own sick.

On other occasions, my drinking sessions made me really promiscuous, and I slept with a series of strangers on one-night stands, and then contracted a number of sexually transmitted diseases. One particular occasion, I went to the pub I worked in on my own, and left 10 minutes later with a completely random bloke nobody knew. I took him home where we drank, did drugs and had sex. A couple of hours later I walked him back to the pub and said goodbye.[...]

After an all-too regular pattern of near-misses and scrapes, and once the drinking became compulsive and secretive, she knew she had a problem – so she has cut back severely on her drinking.

Well, goodbye Anna, I wish I had had the chance to know you. However, my limited travels around this world tell me that there will always be another sloppy drunk British girl to take Anna's place. Ladette to Lady anyone?

And if posting the story about that one time you were really drunk and let your roommate's dog lick your asshole isn't your idea of fun, you can always play the "Night Out" game. I choose the girl character, had one drink with the cute guy who was eyeing me at the bar and then ended up sexually assaulted. I'm not sure what happened, but it was probably my fault. Good times.

Heck, I Didn't Even Know I Was Aiding the Environment

Here's a bit of green technology we can all support. A Chinese guy built a solar water heater using empty beer bottles.

When Not To Call the Police

Tip to all you TtP readers/mothers out there: If you are 8 beers deep, have 2 small children covered in their own feces, pregnant with another one, and can't find your wallet -- it might not be a good idea to call the police to help you find your missing wallet.

From...You guessed it, Long Island:

A drunk pregnant woman was arrested at her New Cassel home yesterday when officers found her twin 2-year-old daughters there partially clothed amid feces and broken glass, police said.

Ann Mendoza, 42, had called police to her home at 635 Broadway about 10:30 a.m. because she said she could not find her wallet, police said. When officers arrived, there was a strong odor of alcohol on her breath, police said, and Mendoza admitted to drinking eight beers.

Great Plan; But Why Waste a Night of Real Drinking?

Kids throw root beer kegger to make a point. Cops show up:

ROTHSCHILD -- The Zebro home in Kronenwetter showed all the signs of an underage drinking party March 1: cars blocking the road, dozens of rowdy kids and a keg.

And yet, every partyer's breath test revealed an alcohol-free gathering.

Dustin Zebro, 18, and his friends said they threw the party after D.C. Everest High School administrators suspended their friends from sports.

"We didn't know it would work well enough to make the cops show up," Zebro said of the plan to poke fun at the administrators by throwing a root beer kegger.

Clever idea. Way more clever than anything I could have thought up at that age. My goal was to keep the cops as far away as possible, not bring them closer with an elaborate hoax, but kudos goes to the students for making a point. Of course school officials weren't so pleased, experessing thier displeasure that the root beer kegger downplayed the significant consequences of underage drinking.

Enter Debra Burgess, who from her job title, I can tell is one helluva' fan of fun.

Debra Burgess, drug free communities coordinator for the Wausau School District, said the root beer party, and its motivations, downplay the consequences of underage drinking, which include harmful decisions and stalled brain development.

I'm not a medical expert, (though I do like to give out free advice on subjects I know nothing about) but I'm fairly sure that high school sports are more of a danger to brain development than underage drinking. You know, like concussions and repeated pounding of the head against helmets, soccer balls, goal posts, etc. So I say, ban sports! Wait...They're already working on that? Nevermind then. I'll try and think of something else fun we can ban. Back to the drawing board!

Full story here.

Friday Links

Don't forget to celebrate the birthday of one of history's great drunkards, Edgar Allan Poe. Metromix gives you a few local bars to toast the man in, some with a connection to the write, some not. Off the list, I'd go with Maggie Moore's and/or The Horse You Came In On. The Horse is supposed to be where Poe had his last drink, before dying in a Baltimore alley. I've never seen his ghost there, but it does usually have a healthy selection of desperate older women on the prowl most nights.

Bobby Fischer dies.

Golf Magazine tries to calm down the Tiger racial controversy by putting a noose on their most recent cover. Ask the editor how that worked out for him. Just don't use his Golf Magazine e-mail to do that, because he no longer works there.

Preview of the Jones-Trinidad fight this Saturday.

Mark Wahlberg promises to do his best Johnny Depp impression, and will star in the Hollywood version of the (pretty good) Cocaine Cowboys documentary.

Surprise, surprise.

HUNTINGTON PARK, Calif.—A police officer who was on a federal drug task force has been arrested on suspicion he conspired to sell cocaine and marijuana he stole from drug dealers, officials said.

Huntington Park Police Sgt. Alvaro Murillo, 44, of West Covina, is accused of using his job to recruit informants in the drug world, then using them to help him steal narcotics. He then allegedly made arrangements to sell the drugs.

Tips for Keeping the Fun Away this Holiday Season

Sorry for the inactivity today folks; my excuse can be found on my downstairs toilet bowl....Yuck. Luckily, with my time-tested home remedy of masturbation, marijuana and Guinness, I've come out of the other end of a nasty 24-36 hour bug relatively unscathed and ready to pick the keyboard back up. For something other than porn. Or craiglisting for whores. On to the blogging!

Newsweek helps you deal with sobriety this holiday season.

Six Ways to Avoid Holiday Booze Blunders
'Tis the season for uncomfortable moments if you don't drink alcohol or are hosting someone who doesn't. Here are our tips on teetotaler etiquette.

2. Turn off the Tap Know the early signs of drunkenness, such as slurred words, obscenities or unusual confessions. If you see insobriety, Post suggests removing the temptation. "Cork it, and put the wine away for the night."

They're ruining my game! That's me at 8:30 at the party, shouting fucks and motherfucks, as I wave my drink in the air and confide in the lady next to me that I have a pregnancy fetish, and it's not that weird. Really. What the fuck...Just last month I got thrown out of a bar in Seattle for swearing. That's all. And urinating on the bar. Whatever man, what's the world coming to?

1. Considerate Gifting Don't bring a bottle of wine or Scotch to a party unless you're asked to. Inquire first, or bring flowers or a dessert instead

That should never, EVER, be written anywhere. Who knows, maybe someone reads Newsweek, and might start thinking they shouldn't show up with a bottle...

2. Don't Ask Never ask anyone why they're not drinking, even indirectly. It can seem like a harmless ice-breaker, but in fact it's downright rude to hand a woman a Coke and say, "Expecting?"

I prefer, "What are you, some sort of up tight cunt?". See, that way you don't offend the fat broad if it turns out she isn't pregnant.

Full article here.

Arrested For Letting One's 18 Year-Old Drink at Home, And Other Absurdities of American Life

The US law that increased the drinking age from 18 to 21 by enforcing federal penalties against states that did not comply might be among the worst of the laws that Reagan signed and encouraged. Parents who let their otherwise adult children imbibe in their homes are being increasingly prosecuted, as the long arm of the law only grows longer. A woman accused of allowing her 18-year-old son to drink at her birthday party is the first person to be arrested by the Nassau (NY) county police under a new law.

Karen Dittmer was arrested under the Social Host Law, which was enacted July 17, Nassau County police said Monday.

Dittmer, 45, is accused of allowing her teenage son and several other underage guests to drink beer Sunday evening at a party for the party held in the backyard of her West Hempstead home.

Even worse, in Virginia a mother and father were each sentenced to 27 months in jail for allowing alchohol at a party for their 16 year-old.

In this season of senior proms and graduation parties, the story of the couple is a cautionary tale for parents if they plan to serve alcohol -- or look the other way. It comes at a time of increased concern about the effects of drinking and driving and underage binge drinking, which is on the rise. Although 27-month sentences are rare, parents are increasingly being held criminally responsible for underage drinking under their roofs, even if they are not aware that it is going on...Kelly and Robinson -- the boys' stepfather -- were charged with nine misdemeanor counts each of contributing to the delinquency of a minor resulting from the August 2002 backyard birthday bash. Both were originally sentenced to eight years, but the sentences were reduced to 27 months. The case was appealed to the Virginia Supreme Court and then the U.S. Supreme Court, which recently declined to hear it.

It is appalling that US courts would criminalize what is accepted in most of the world and actually send parents to jail for doing what Europeans do as a matter of course.