If We're Starving How Come We Have Such Goddam Fat Asses?

Shocking news in the Washington Post today. Children are starving - everywhere!

The nation's economic crisis has catapulted the number of Americans who lack enough food to the highest level since the government has been keeping track, according to a new federal report, which shows that nearly 50 million people -- including almost one child in four -- struggled last year to get enough to eat.

And this, of course, is a major, major problem, say people whose job it is to get federal money to fund their programs:

"This is unthinkable. It's like we are living in a Third World country," said Vicki Escarra, president of Feeding America, the largest organization representing food banks and other emergency food sources.

And sure enough, the Post reports that the Obama administration is pumping $85 million more tax dollars into subsidized food programs.

I, on the other hand, being the insensitive, uncaring prick that I am, thought: "If the poor are starving, then how come every one I see has a Michelin-size spare tire around their gut? Riddle me that, Batman."

So I re-read the story paying close attention for any statistic that would show how the hunger is really hurting people. Are hospitals reporting more children being delivered with low birth weights? Are schools reporting students being malnourished? That sort of stuff. But that isn't there. And I have to believe if there were statistics on that the Post would use them.

Instead it refers to reports of "food insecurity". That refers to people "who lack a dependable supply of adequate food ... and those whose food shortages are so severe that they are hungry." And where do those numbers come from? Way down towards the end of the story we are told:

In the survey used to measure food shortages, people were considered to have food insecurity if they answered "yes" to several of a series of questions. Among the questions were whether, in the past year, their food sometimes ran out before they had money to buy more, whether they could not afford to eat nutritionally balanced meals, and whether adults in the family sometimes cut the size of their meals -- or skipped them -- because they lacked money for food.

So the numbers came from people saying, yeah, I'd like to have more food in the fridge, but I cannot afford it right now. Or as I call it, balancing a budget. Shit, I would say yes to that survey, but I don't think I fit the image the hunger activists are trying to send..

Look, I am not such a prick that I will say that nobody ever goes hungry in the U.S. But to compare us to third world countries -- where people really do sometimes starve to death -- is bullshit just because a recession has us all cutting back. When I start seeing fewer gigantic asses on the streets, then I'll believe we have a hunger problem.

In Case You Missed It...

..the original Mr "I'm a Really Good Drunk Driver" kicked the bucket a few days ago at the ripe old age of 77, proving once-and-for-all that decades of treating your body like a used condom comes with little to no consequences. Thanks Teddy, for giving the rest of us regular Joe alcoholics hope that we too might live to see 77.

So we've all been dealing with the sadness of this great death in different ways. Andrew Breitbart has spent the better part of the last 3 days pissing and shitting on the man's grave, via the brave new world of twitter. I've been drinking heavily and sleeping little since his death. Sure, that might be a normal Tuesday-Friday for me, but still Teddy Kennedy died...So...um..yeah. And other people are writing short remembrance pieces wondering if Mary Jo Kopechne would have thought her death was worth it, because Teddy held a Senate seat for a really long time. No shit. Someone actually wrote that.

Still, ignorance doesn't preclude a right to wonder. So it doesn't automatically make someone (aka, me) a Limbaugh-loving, aerial-wolf-hunting NRA troll for asking what Mary Jo Kopechne would have had to say about Ted's death, and what she'd have thought of the life and career that are being (rightfully) heralded.

Who knows -- maybe she'd feel it was worth it.

In all fairness it was on the Huffington Post so it deserves to be taking about as seriously as, oh I don't know, a blog post found on my own blog, but still that is one really fucking stupid sentence. It's a really stupid idea for a blog post/article/whatever the fuck they call the horseshit that they publish over at the Huffington Post, with a really stupid conclusion.

I'll give the concept a try...I wonder what Mary Jo would have thought about Teddy death. Let's ask her. Oh wait -- We can't, she died 40 years ago when a drunk drove off a bridge and left her to drown. I never presume to know what dead people would think, but my guess is that if you asked Mary Jo what she thought of Ted's death she might say something along the lines of "he was still alive?" Or "about time that fat fuck died." I'm from the old school where when someone kills someone else, the dead person usually doesn't think there death was for a greater good. I think -- and call me crazy -- that the dead person wishes that they hadn't been killed.

Two more thoughts on Ted Kennedy. 1) If they ever find the dead hooker I ever kill someone, I hope I get the Teddy Kennedy treatment and that the death will be known as an "incident". How did he get away with it being called the Chappaquiddick Incident? 2) Mary Jo was extremely attractive.

Science May Soon Do What Jagermeister Has Done For Generations

Over at the Reason blog, science reporter Ron Bailey notes a possible breakthrough in a drug that wipes out memories:

The New York Times is reporting that neuroscience researchers at Brooklyn's SUNY Downstate Medical Center have developed a drug which can erase memories (at least in lab rats). This development may bring us closer to the scenario outlined in the the 2004 Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet vehicle, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in which two hapless lovers have the memories of their failed love affair erased.

Bailey goes on to describe it in greater detail but I think Reason commenter "Warty" gets right to the bottom line:

So it's like alcohol, but without the side effect of banging fat chicks.

Nanny Statism Will Prevent Fat Asses

That's what some people in L.A. think anyway:

LOS ANGELES, July 12 -- Citing alarming rates of childhood obesity and a poverty of healthful eating choices, a city councilwoman is pushing for a moratorium on new fast-food restaurants in South-Central Los Angeles.

"Some people will say, 'Well, people just don't have to eat it,' " said Jan Perry, the Democrat who represents the city's overwhelmingly African American and Latino District 9. "But the fact of the matter is, what if you have no other choices?"

The whole story is here.

Question: Is there some reason that these people cannot -- Oh, I dunno -- make a fucking sandwich for lunch before they go to work or school?

Oh, and there is a racism angle too:

The proposed ordinance, which takes a page from boutique communities that turn up their noses at franchises, is supported by nutritionists, frustrated residents and community activists who call restrictive zoning an appropriate response to "food apartheid." [Emphasis added.]

"There's one set of food for one part of the city, another set of food for another part of the city, and it's very stratified that way," said Marqueece Harris-Dawson, executive director of Community Coalition, based in South-Central.

So, remember eating a fast food burger is the moral equivalent of supporting aparthed. Just though you'd like to know.

There is, however, an exception for franchises patronized by the people writing these ordinances such as west coast bakery chain Marie Callender's, noted restaurant lobbyist Andrew Casana:

"You can't play the obesity card and then invite in a place that sells pies," Casana said.

'Cause My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns Hun

In news that's certain to be good for somebody -- you know who you are -- Florida women are apparently eager to show up at hotels with strange men and have even stranger things pumped into their asses:

Miami-Dade's medical police busted a ''pumping party'' Thursday, where a man with no medical license had set up shop in a hotel room, offering to pump an unknown substance into women's backsides for ``buttocks enhancement.''

As the procedure was about to start, the women, three undercover police detectives, arrested Anthony Donnell Solomon, 22, of Miami, charging him with practicing without a license.

A similar incident resulted in the 2001 death of a Carol City woman.

''What's amazing to me is that this is not even unusual,'' said Dr. Seth Thaller, chief of plastic surgery at the University of Miami School of Medicine. 'People get themselves injected with God-knows-what. What I want to ask them is, `What were you thinking?' ''

Read the whole story here. Wikipedia page on Sir Mixalot's classic here.

Who Doesn't Love a Little Big Mother-Daughter Romp

At $15 a pop, sex with this mom and daughter is a steal...Factor in the the combined weight of 700-800lbs it works out to something like a 1/2 a cent per pound for these plentiful ladies.

FORT PAYNE, Ala. -- A 62-year-old grandmother arrested in a prostitution sting in Fort Payne has begun serving a two month jail sentence.

[...]

The mother and daughter were arrested Aug. 1, after they allegedly both agreed to have sex with an undercover officer for $30 -- at $15 each.

Fort Payne Police Chief David Walker said the sting was carried out after his office received several tips that the women were engaged in illicit
activities.

Walker said the majority of the Duncan’s clientele was believed to be Hispanics.

I'm sure the city of Fort Payne thanks you Chief Walker, for making them safe from the menace of fat grandmothers fucking Hispanic day laborers. Alabama can rest easy now. Full article here.