Lindsay Lohan Wrecks Her Car in a DUI (Why Don't Wealthy Celebrities Hire Cars or Take Taxis?)

Reputable source x17 reports that Lindsay Lohan has been in a DUI wreck. Worse, she had coke in her car! To see the pics go here, as x17 won't let anyone download them. A nice quote from that site:

She had coke in the car! At the presser, it was announced that narcotics were found in the car by officers at the time the vehicle was towed and impounded. You can see in X17's video, Lindsay's bodyguard Jaz driving the wrecked car away from the scene of the accident just after it occurred (didn't he think to take that white powdery substance outta the glove box?!).

But the big question is why rich celebrities such as Lohan, who like to party, have had previous run-ins with the law and shell out money to hire bodyguards are so reluctant to hire a driver or take a taxi. Lohan, I guess, would rather wrap her car around a tree.

The NFL is full of millionaire DUI offenders, most notably the prison chain gang d.b.a. the Cincinnati Bengals, but also Sean Taylor of Washington and many others. And then there is Paris Hilton, who has to do a stint in the big house for her second drunken driving charge.

Maybe I am more afraid than they are, as I would get a cell mate, unlike Paris Hilton, but their idiocy in the face of how affordable it would be for them to avoid these problems is amazing.

God Made Lindsay Lohan's Right Nipple

So, I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with me linking to a picture of it exposed. Just click on the pictures for the uncensored shots. NSFW. Unless you work for Penthouse magazine. Or Reason. Or possibly Family Research Council, if you can argue that you have to look at the pictures to write an action alert condeming them. Sadly, the celebrity nipples I really want to see - Salma Hayek's - are too covered up. As my dad used to say, what's the point of gaining two breasts sizes by being pregnant if you're not going to show them off. Or was it the homeless guy in my neighborhood who said that. I can't remember. They both smell like urine when they drink. Oh wait, that's me.

To Do: 1) Learn to Speak with a British Accent; 2) Invite Lindsay Lohan to My Next Party; 3) Give Her Cocaine

Lindsay Lohan needs better friends. You know like me.

A friend of Lohan has leaked a video of Lindsay snorting cocaine and shoving it up a friend's nose while the two were crammed in a toilet at club Teddy's. The friend that leaked the video says she's worried about Lindsay and "that's why I'm showing this video. So the world can know what Lindsay has been doing and she can't lie about it to herself or anyone else." She also says:

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out. One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat. She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month. "

And to think the government has banned this wonder drug. Damn you drug war! I guess I will stick to buying women shots of bourbon until their tops fall off somehow. I have nothing to do with it. It's gravity.

Pictures, video and more at Superficial.

My Ears

There's an interesting and raging Internet debate over the meaning of Alanis Morisette's cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" (watch it below). Is it parody? And who exactly is she making fun of? Fergie, for singing such crappy lyrics? Tori Amos, for trying to seriously cover pop songs? Herself? And why is she releasing it now? As an April Fool's joke? Even though April Fool's is about, uh, fooling people not releasing satire (but then she doesn't know the meaning of ironic either). Anyway, I'm not going to risk losing readers by stating my opinions on this subject. Lose readers by suggesting people have a constitutional right to have sex with the dead, sure. But over Alanis Morisette, no way.



Via The Superficial, who continues to bring the world important, up-to-the-minute updates on the walking piece of poo known as Lindsay Lohan.

Oh God, Please Make This Come True

Great reality show ideas, via Celebritology. Give Mr. Lohan a chance and make it happen Hollywood!

...including a pitch for another reality show in which he and Lindsay would be put on a desert island along with Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and their dads.

And then there is this:

"And he's got other ideas, like going out on Sunset Boulevard and giving a prostitute a hundred dollar bill -- not for sex, but for her time so he can talk to her and try to save her. He wants to make things right with the world. And especially with his family."

Good for him. I'm sure you're asking yourself, "What about Rob? I'm sure he has some white-hot concepts that he's itching to put on the Networks." Well I'm glad you asked. My top reality show ideas in no particular order. I'm speaking in my Producer voice, so 3rd person here I come!

1. Put Rob on the cast of The Hills. Watch as he recreates his weekends in So Cal with the Hills crowd. Mostly will consist of him calling them "rich cunts, selfish no-good whores," followed by "I think you are hot, do you what to have a three-some." Of course he will be waving his drink drunkenly; sporting his "look", which for lack of a better term could be called the "Old Navy Retro '97." The highlight of this show would be during the late-night hours when Rob inappropriately rubs himself under the table, or on top, while giving Lauren the thousand-yard stare.


2. Put Rob on the cast of Maui Fever. Uh...pretty much same plot outline as above.


3. Only MTV unrelated concept. And I've Rob has been really selling this one hard -- Grab Mel Gibson. Get a room. Add tequila and a different minority every week. Laughter to follow

Now, why can't I get any traction on these?

Barely Legal, Barely Clothed, and Barely Sober

Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab. For her addiction to Jamba Juice. Or something like that. Do you really care what she's addicted to? No, of course not. All you want to see are these pictures of her without a bra in a see through dress. So click on it already you big perv.

In related naughty news, the folks at The Superficial wrestle with a dilemma everyone faces at some point in their lives.

Happy Post-Halloween!

My Happy Halloween post, which encouraged people to submit disgusting comments, obviously bombed. So to make it up to you, here's pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a sexy Halloween costume.

Disclaimer: Neither TtP nor TtP bloggers are liable if you're fired from your job for masturbating in your office to these pictures. And believe me you will want to. I've masturbated three times already to them. Of course, I'm blogging from St. Elizabeth's Mental Hospital where that kind of thing is acceptable. As long as you're not throwing your spunk around. Which is hard not to do when you're an altruist like me. What can I say, my momma raised me to share.

Immigration, Lindsay Lohan, and Good Kisses

As I've said before, proof positive that many of the anti-immigrant folks are racist is their willingness to turn America into a police state to identify and remove illegal immigrants. It's one thing to oppose immigration in theory and quite another to be so anti-immigrant that you're willing to give up your own rights just for the off chance that some illegal immigrants will be caught. No where is the whiff of anti-immigration fascism stronger than Hazleton, Pennsylvania. Because of a court ruling, they've lost a battle. But they will probably win their war.

A federal judge on Tuesday blocked the city of Hazleton from enforcing a pair of ordinances targeting illegal immigrants, just hours before the measures were to go into effect.

The measures, approved by City Council last month, would have imposed fines on landlords who rent to illegal immigrants and denied business permits to companies that give them jobs. They also would have required tenants to register with City Hall and pay for a rental permit.

These laws clearly are oppressive. But I think it's legally dubious to suggest they're unconstitutional. Unless there's a 9th Amendment right not to be required to report who you're renting your apartment to. And that would be a really broad reading of the amendment. I used to think that the 9th Amendment protected my right to break into Lindsay Lohan's house and wear her underwear. But the Supreme Court ruled against me. For a bunch of people who basically wear pajamas to work those justices sure can be tight-asses. Anyway, you can't blame a guy for trying. Especially when she's making comments like this:

"Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person. It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship. I mean if the sex is bad, the relationship's not going anywhere. Anyway, I don't even think I have had my best kiss yet. "

Since we haven't kissed yet, I can vouch that she has yet to have her best kiss. And as soon as I reverse this restraining order we will be kissing up a storm.

Superficial Link to Lindsay Lohan in pajamas here. And while we're at it, a glimpse of Avril Lavigne's panties. To cool you off, here's a picture of Suzanne Somers after she was touched by Goldfinger.

This is Pretty Much How I Would React If I Was Being Held By Paris Hilton

God, she's gross. More pics of the dog trying to get away from her stench here. Speaking of ugly, WTF is up with this "outfit" that Lindsay Lohan is wearing?? Also, I know it's hump day. So you're just goofing off at work counting down the minutes until you can leave work to shag someone, or planning some fun bar-hopping in hopes of shagging someone, or resigning yourself to the fact that you're going to have to shag alone tonight. You can waste some time thanking the gods that O.J. Simpson didn't end up starring in "The Terminator" here, although "I'll be back - to stab you and your boyfriend" does have a nice ring to it.

Lindsay Lohan's Vagina

This post is dedicated to TtP reader Mike who appreciates my links to Superficial posts about Lindsay Lohan giving head, not wearing underwear, etc. You can see her shaved twat here (NSFW). The Superficial accurately describes her vagina as follows:

If you're easily offended by beat-up looking vaginas, I highly recommend you not click the above image. Because this one looks like it went ten rounds with a boxing kangaroo.

Yum!

As an added bonus, here's a link to pictures of Victoria Beckham with her shirt unbuttoned.

As an added added bonus, here's a link to a video of Michelle Malkin talking about Girls Gone Wild, via The Agitator who understands Bill O'Reilly's game (hint: clips of hot college girls going wild sells).

Hollywood Limousine Liberal and the Hypocriscy of Her Million Dollar Handbag

Lindsay Lohan lost her handbag at Heathrow, and it was subsequently found by diligent UK policemen. Of note is that Lohan was upset because her handbag contained about $1 million of jewelry.

In other news, Lohan is passionate about her role in an upcoming film called "Bobby," about the assassination of RFK.

I strongly encourage people of my age and generation to have a say and to vote, and to involve themselves in what's going on in the world, because they are living in it.

Like him or not, Bobby Kennedy did have the interests of the poor foremost in his mind. In the speech in which he announced his presidential candidacy (this is good current read, btw, because of his stance on Vietnam and the obvious Iraq parallel), he said

As a member of the cabinet and member of the Senate I have seen the inexcusable and ugly deprivation which causes children to starve in Mississippi, black citizens to riot in Watts; young Indians to commit suicide on their reservations because they've lacked all hope and they feel they have no future, and proud and able-bodied families to wait our their lives in empty idleness in eastern Kentucky.

I wonder how Bobby would have felt about a 20 year-old Hollywood strumpet I mean starlet walking around with $1 million of jewelry in her handbag and invoking his name.

Can You Hear Me Now, Cynthia McKinney? Don't Even Try to Bleach My Ass, Tom Cruise. You can start a civil war in my pants any day, Lindsay Lohan!

Congresswoman Cynthia "Get Out of My Way, I'm Cynthia McKinney" McKinney has lost her primary race. Apparently Georgia voters hate assaulting police officers with cell phones as much as they hate promoting 9-11 conspiracy theories. God, they're lucky to have someone as interesting as Cynthia McKinney. They could have Dennis "Fat Fuck" Hastert. Or Joe "running for president for political reasons" Biden. Or Mark "ugly face" Souder. I mean a crazy member of Congress in the hand is worth two lame members of Congress in the bush.

This is the second time McKinney has been kicked out of Congress. Will she pull off another come back? Not if Tom Cruise gets his way. I have no proof that he is behind 9-11 or the defeat of Cynthia McKinney, but he is a scientolgist. And what's the point of belonging to some kooky religion if people can't blame everything on you. Like making your wife bleach her anus.

Oh what the hell, here are my favorite comments to the Daily Dish's post entitled "Cruise Denies Baby Shyness".

Comments

What's wrong with being reluctant to show off your alien-baby?
Posted By: BigFatMoore August 08 2006 at 02:39 PM

I got as far as "Cruise denies baby."
Posted By: mammamia August 08 2006 at 02:48

BTW- I can't even watch a TC movie anymore- I think he's trying to brainwash us all through secret mind-tricks through the DVD player....I can't believe I had a crush on him after I saw "All the Right Moves!" damn!What was I thinking?!?!
Posted By: purplebay August 08 2006 at 05:34 PM

Bonus: Lindsay Lohan wants to go to Iraq to entertain the troops with or without Hillary Clinton the Satanic Senator from New York.

"I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be."

Wow. I guess we all have our aspirations. Some people want to bring peace to the Middle East. Others want to be ogled by the Middle East. Nobel peace prize winner or beautiful sex kitten? Who would you want to sleep with?

Bonus Bonus: Screw the real sequels to Rambo, Rocky and Die Hard that are in the works, I want to see this fake sequel made:

Beastmaster: The Age of Man. Dar (Marc Singer) now runs a ferret-breeding ranch with his longtime love Kiri (Tanya Robert), but their peace is threatened when concerned neighbors tell Dar he's too old to continue to wear a loincloth. His ability to talk to animals is muddled by dementia, but that won't stop him from saving himself and the defending the rights of elder loincloth wearers in this age of sorcery and savagery.

Lindsay Lohan Parties?

Lindsay Lohan, who's looking pretty hot lately, is currently making a movie called Georiga Rule - that is, when she's not calling in sick or at the hospital for heat exhaustion.

The production company? Not so big on this. In fact, they tell her she's acting like a spoiled child.

What You Should Be Reading

--David Weigel's posts at Wonkette on Katherine Harris. Not sure if he's responsible for creating the image on the right or not, but whoever created it should get this year's Nobel Prize in Blogging.

--English-monarch-hating Nick Gillespie's excellant response to Pat Buchanan's call for a truce in the culture wars.

--Joseph McNamara's response to Radley Balko's Overkill.

--Linsay Lohan shows off her rear and Paris Hilton bathes with feces at The Superficial.

--Enrique Krauze's op-ed in today's Washington Post on Mexico's failed presidential candidate and professional douche bag López Obrador.

Your Hump Day Threesome

First, French Actress Brigitte Bardo says she's ashamed to be French. Doesn't she mean ashamed to be freedom? Her statement is strange given that she should really be ashamed to be Brigitte Bardo. Seriously, she's disgusting now. It looks like someone removed her skull and took a big dump inside her face and sewed it back up. Disgusted? Good. Because I want you to have a blank slate when I link to this good post about Nelly Furtado's admission that she's proud to be a sex mad, bisexual whore. Oh Nelly, you can eat my man any day.

Second, Country singer Mindy McCready is on trial for drunk driving. Who is not these days? I appear in court next week for driving while smoking marijuana out of a bong I made out of a stripper's dildo. McCready claims that the police were harassing her. Which I believe. Because she's hot. And she apparently does anything police tell her to do.

"Way back when - when I used to have hit records 10 years ago - I would get pulled over a lot and had officers ask me to do the strangest things. Once an officer asked me to dance for his camera," she told jurors.

Awesome. I would totally get free lap dances if I had a gun. The officer should make his own video series, "Traffic Stops Gone Wild." I can imagine it would be pretty easy to tell someone like Pamela Anderson that licking her own nipples is a normal part of a sobriety test. Pictures of Mindy McCready here.

Finally, some are saying that Lindsay Lohan looks like Marilyn Monroe. Which she does. Because I want to fuck her. And that's the kind of thing you say to a woman you want to fuck. "Your eyes are so beautiful. You know you look just like Marilyn Monroe." Picture of Lindsay Lohan taking off her underwear here. Seemingly giving some guy - who is not me - head here.

Bonus pictures:

Lots of shots of Tara Reid in a bikini here.
Pamela Anderson in boots and a see-through top here.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But My Lawyers Will Crush You

I'm no legal scholar. But, I'm pretty sure that if Paris Hilton's bitch Brandon Davis is caught drunk on tape saying that Lindsay Lohan has a "fire crotch" that smells like diarrhea, that Lohan can't threaten to sue him unless he apologizes on TV and gives $250,000 to her favorite charity. Of course, I'm not a legal scholar. Or a lawyer. But, I do know a thing or two about insults. And it's fine to say something like Brandon Davis sucks Paris Hilton's cock. And her spunk tastes like David Spade. At least I think it's fine to say things like that. Hey, sue me.

[via The Superficial]

Men Who Sleep with Ugly Stinky Women Who Look Like Men Shouldn't Throw Stones

is what my grandpa always used to say. And it's certainly something Paris Hilton's "friend", Brandon Davis, needs to hear. A recently released video catches him on the streets of LA talking shit about Lindsay Lohan, who recently expressed the hots for him. Among other things, he says Lohan has a orange "fire crotch", that smells like diarrhea, and a seven foot long clitoris. He also says that Lohan's dad is hotter than her. Which gets to the root of the issue. He's gay. How else can you explain why someone would be attracted to Paris Hilton. Seriously, she looks like a boy. And not just any boy. A monkey-human hybrid boy. That probably eats feces.

[Via The Superficial]

The Princess Diary

Lindsey Lohan lost her diary while out on the town. Apparantly it contained "song ideas" and musings about her family. The diary was returned with choice pages missing, prompting Lohan to call her lawyers so they could send out threatening letters to the media to prevent publication of the precious memoirs.

Hey Lindsay, I'm an Older Man

Lindsay Lohan was a bulimic drug-using stalker, according to the actress, who recounts her struggles in a new Vanity Fair interview. That's hardly all she reveals. Lohan also appears in "alluring, bare-breasted photos" and notes that she likes older men like Johnny Depp, whom she calls "edgy and... dirty."

Bra-clad shot of someone who has definitely got her boobies back here. Fair and balanced coverage here.

Of course if you need some sort of intellectual-dreck pretext to buy a rag like VF -- I buy it for the travel articles. Honest! -- note that the Lohan issue also gives you the opportunity to see what Christopher Hitchens has to say about "Uganda's Children".

Ashanti = Raven + Howley + Lohan

Watching BET I just noted that Ashanti -- who was slogging through a barely listenable version of Winter Wonderland -- somehow manages to be a near-perfect hybridization of Raven, Kerry Howley and Lindsay Lohan (from her Mean Girls days).

If you find that observation notable, you may also be intersted in this: I mis-typed "Raven" as "aven" into my Google toolbar and up came a link to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

Lohan Digs Chicks

And cute ones, too, like Kate Moss and Angelina Jolie (who, as Webshiksa noted here earlier this week, digs chicks right back).