Dillinger Packed A Big Gun

The new Johnny Depp movie about the notorious 1930's bank robber John Dillinger is as good an excuse as TtP will ever get to post the above classic photo of the late hoodlum experiencing some serious rigor mortis.

Thanks to the website Awkward Boners for the pic. Yes, it is a broad, deep well that TtP takes inspiration from.

By the way, also worth putting on your netflix cue is this earlier version of the Dillinger story.

Old Faithful Meets Mr. Happy And The Man

America's Surveillance Society: A webcam was installed near Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park to provide 24-hour streaming footage of the famous geyser. It has also become a law enforcement tool, aiding in the arrest of 6 people, including two who urinated into the geyser.

Full story here, via Dave Barry.

Racoons, Super Bowls, Hookers. It's a Mixed Bag

Tampa cop:

"The sun rises in the east, and hookers come into town during Super Bowl," said Capt. Bret Bartlett."

More words of wisdom:

He says the main difference since the last time Tampa hosted the Super Bowl is the internet. Super Bowl escort ads are all over the world wide web, with tag lines like, "Hello Tampa, I just got in town" and another site offering "Super Bowl specials." Bartlett says the extra advertising only makes things worse.

"You can go to Craig's List right now and get somebody to fix a roof and [also] find out where hookers will be here in Tampa," he said.

Spoken like a man who knows his stuff. Which reminds me -- I have some plumbing issues, and I'd like a blow job from a post-op tranny. Cragislist here I come!

The crack down on "sex crimes" during the Super Bowl could be worse; so fear not Super Bowl strip club attendees, the 6ft rule will not be rigorously enforced:

Strippers are also headed to the Bay Area for the Super Bowl. The big question is if officers will enforce the law requiring dancers stay six feet away from patrons. The last time the game came to town it was enforced. This time it appears as if it will not be as big of a deal.

"Public safety will be the priority over strip clubs, the six foot rule, and other adult business related offenses," said Andrea Davis with the Tampa Police Department.

Question: Should I attempt to have sex with a raccoon?

Answer: Not if you like having a penis.

Is this story real? We report, you decide:

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Convenient:

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - A last-minute case of amnesia delayed sentencing for a senior citizen who molested children at a treasure coast daycare.

Aureliano Garcia-Campo agreed to a plea deal several weeks ago, but Tuesday morning in court he told a judge he didn't remember anything.

It's that simple?

So How Was Your Weekend?

A man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital early today to remove 16 stainless steel washers from his penis.

Berowra Fire Rescue officers were called to alleviate the man from his awkward predicament at 3am.

It was not clear how the situation arose.

The man may well have thought long and hard about placing himself in the difficult situation.

Read the whole story here.

Don't Ever Get Married

Who doesn't like a good severed penis story? At TtP we sure do. This one today comes to us from the Philippines:

MANILA -- A housewife cut off her husband's penis while he was sleeping in their house in the Philippine capital to ensure his fidelity, a police officer said. Police officer Rolly Lipata said 37-year-old Lenly Bayabado had long suspected that her younger husband was having illicit affairs, prompting her to cut off his organ while he was asleep.

A slight overkill, but stump-dicking your husband will definitely ensure fidelity on his part.

Full, and very painful story here.

When You're Thinking Pizza, Santa's Thinking Oral Sex

My last few posts have been kind of serious, but this is just too good not to share:

Last year, Microsoft encouraged kids to connect directly to "Santa" by adding northpole@live.com to their Windows Live Messenger contact lists. The Santa program, which Microsoft reactivated in early December, asked children what they wanted for Christmas and could respond on topic, thanks to artificial intelligence.

The holiday cheer soured this week when a reader of a United Kingdom-based technology news site, The Register, reported that a chat between Santa and his underage nieces about eating pizza prompted Santa to bring up oral sex.

One of the publication's writers replicated the chat Monday. After declining the writer's repeated invitations to eat pizza, a frustrated Santa burst out with, "You want me to eat what?!? It's fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else."

The exchange ended with the writer and Santa calling each other "dirty bastard."

Merry Christmas, cocksucker.

This Week In Severed Penis

TtP never misses a severed penis story. This time:

Austrian authorities said Thursday they arrested an elderly Turkish-born man suspected of fatally shooting a younger Turkish associate and slicing off the victim's penis in what investigators called an "honor killing."

Police in the town of Wimpassing in the province of Lower Austria made the arrest shortly after the Wednesday night slaying, and said the suspect — described only as a 76-year-old native Turk — did not resist.

[...]

Investigators believe the suspect apparently was jealous that the younger man had flirted with his wife, and had sought him out as "a question of honor," said Franz Polzer, head of the region's criminal investigations office.

I'll keep this in mind next time I hit on a 76-year-old man's wife.

Man Whacks Off Own Penis, Psychological Problems Could Be to Blame

SALAMANCA – A man cut off his own penis and threw it in a toilet ‘so he would stop sinning’.

The 30-year-old was recovering in the Hospital Clinico Universitario in Salamanca in western Spain

[...]

The man, from Salamanca, cut off his penis with a knife on Thursday morning.

The local newspaper La Gaceta reported when relatives called emergency services, he told ambulance workers he did it “so would not sin any more”.

And the kicker...

The newspaper said it was not known if the man’s penis could be sewn back.

There was also a suggestion he may be suffering from psychological problems.

No....You think? I'm not so sure; I've lobbed off my dick countless times, sometimes just to relieve stress, occasionally to teach him a lesson. Perfectly normal thing to do on a Thursday morning...Full article here.

Finally, I No Longer Have To Worry About My Penis Swinging Below My Miniskirt In The Women's Restroom

The best thing about political correctness is the brief comic relief it often provides.

According to FoxNews.com, the University of Vermont has installed "gender-neutral" restrooms in its new student center, apparently to accommodate transgendered people.

Now I have nothing against transgendered people, but it seems silly to build special bathrooms just for them at the expense of everyone, which, assuming UVM receives government money, includes all Vermont citizens. I mean, just because some people aren't comfortable in traditional men's or women's restrooms? Really? It seems like it would be pretty easy to avoid the "discomfort", given that both men's and women's restrooms have private stalls.

"It's about inclusivity and accessibility and the importance of
meeting all people's needs, not just a few," said Annie Stevens,
assistant vice president for student and campus life. [emphasis mine]

Men's and women's restrooms were only meeting the needs of a few? That's news to me. Seems like people have been making due with either or for decades.

Kelly, a 19-year-old transgendered UVM student who did want her last name published, said she's been made to feel "very uncomfortable" in rest rooms.

"I think that they're a really important thing to have," she said of the new facilities. "Just because there can be tense situations in gendered bathrooms, especially for trans-identified people, you need a space to use the rest room and feel safe and comfortable."

Well, Kelly, I'm sorry to hear that. If you're a biological female, you can come over to my place and use mine whenever you want, and I will ignore your choice of clothes. But public restrooms aren't necessarily shrines of comfort for the rest of us either. Like when you're at a urinal without dividers and you could just swear the person next to you is trying to take a peek. But christ, no one's building special "No Peeking" restrooms.

Ok, it's not a great analogy. But the point is that I'm opposed to spending the money of everyone in order to improve the "comfort" of just a few.