I Didn't Know Down Syndrome Was Contagious

I've been missing in these parts after a few unfortunate events.

First, as you can tell from the picture above, I was bitten by a chipmunk and quickly began my transformation into part human/part chipmunk superhero. Makes for busy days.

Second, I continued my shitty luck with laptop power cords as my third cord in as many years bit the dust, putting my home computer out of commission until I discover a new source of bio-generated, cordless power or I just buy a new cord for $60. I'm not through with the horse manure windmill yet so it might be another week or so until the laptop is back up and operational.

Third, I made up that part about the chipmunk superpowers. Sorry. Just a nasty infection in a tooth that I need a root canal performed on. BORING. Tomorrow is the root canal. I've had the BEST WEEK EVER.

I've also completely missed this Massa scandal, which at first I thought was a good thing. Stupid Washington bullshit....NOT. How the fuck did I miss this?!? This story that was made for this crappy blog. DAMN YOU INFECTED NERVE.

I'll just say this one thing about Rep Massa and the controversy surrounding the man -- Let he who has not engaged in ticklefests with his male co-workers cast the first stone.....Predictable silence. I thought so.

The Secret Bathroom

A reader's letter this week in Drew Magary's mailbag over at Deadspin:

I'm so excited I just had to tell someone and figured you could appreciate it.

I work in a single floor building. It's an old warehouse that was converted to office spaces so while it's single floor, there's probably 8 feet above the ceiling to the roof. It's mostly crammed with wires and plumbing up there.

The other day I was slacking off walking around the building when I decided to check out the old cafeteria that closed a few years ago. I went in the back area of the cafeteria and found doorway-sized cubbyholes that were obviously lockers for the old cafeteria staff. But the last locker area had two stairs and then a bend to the left with about 6 more stairs. I couldn't help but follow them.

Guess what's at the top of the stairs? A brand fucking new unisex bathroom with one urinal, one throne, a sink and a locking door! Obviously built just for the cafeteria staff. It's completely secluded and since there's no cafeteria staff anymore, no one uses that area. All the lights are kept off. I feel like I've found the hidden 13th floor of a hotel or that hidden train platform to Hogwarts. Needless to say, I never shit at home anymore. I always take my trips to the second floor bathroom in my one floor building. I am so happy I will never leave my job. One downside is that I will have to kill anyone I find using that bathroom.

Best fucking thing ever.

I had the pleasure of my own private at-work shitter at my last job for roughly 4 months. I wandered up to a floor where they had just finished renovations for a new tenant, but the tenant hadn't moved in yet. BINGO. No one to use the bathroom AT ALL. Rubbing one out, taking 45 minute shits, naps in the stall...you name, I could AND did do it.

That changed me as an office worker. Now I expect to be able to take relaxing poops no matter where I work. I consider it a benefit, like dental care or some shit.

You must always inspect office bathrooms after a job interview to see what the pooping situation will be if you are offered a job. It's just prudent. Are they clean? More than two stalls? Do you share the bathroom with I-9 visa Indians? These are important questions to be asked and answered, although preferably not while you are being interviewed.

P.S. Drew's Deadspin mailbag is by far the best version of a mailbag that I've ever read. And that's saying something, because in 2010 every blog does a mailbag. Even blogs that don't have readers. It's insane. My fucking sister has a "Mommy blog" and she does a version of a mailbag.

Mayor: We Need To Save $120 Million. Say, How Much Does That Candy Jar In My Office Cost? $35/Yr? ELIMINATE THE CANDY JAR.

God knows it's hard to find $600,000 in cuts for a $2.2 BILLION city-wide budget. But, bless her heart, Mayor Rawlings-Blake managed to find a way. Now, only $119 million and change to go before we close that budget shortfall.

Paterson Shocker: HE'S BLIND!

I saw the rumors (earlier this week?) swirling around the tubes about "bombshell" accusations that were to be dropped on the Stevie Wonder of New York politics; so I expected some stories of hookers and shit in the coming days. Fuck if I wasn't disappointed. No hookers. No blow. Turns out the guy is just a huge asshole who runs a northeastern state. BORING. Get in line Gov. No Sight McGee.

Why even bring up the New York Times piece if there aren't any hookers and drugs? Two reasons --

1) It gives me a chance to run this fucking fantastic picture of Paterson as a kid in 1970 (above). Take a good long look. BTW, he's the kid on the right.

and

2) The indictments of Paterson read like my annual work evaluations. I half expected to read - "Aides have noticed that Paterson spends hours in the bathroom while at work, and often smells of vodka in the afternoons."

A few of those Rob-like (I can read though!) transgressions are: (excerpting from the NYT)

A review of several months of Mr. Paterson’s private schedules shows that his days were not long; he often arrived at his office in Manhattan or Albany after 10 a.m. and departed by 4:30 or 5 p.m

Sometimes, he has failed to show up at long-scheduled events.

Use the side door in the office, dude. Also, He cancelled a make-up speech at Columbia (he failed to show for the first one) two hours before the event. His excuse?

He had to cancel, the governor said, because of an emergency terrorism briefing. The Times requested the names of others who attended the briefing, or other evidence that the briefing had occurred, but Mr. Paterson’s office declined to provide any.

Oh shit. The Terrorism Briefing Card. I expect more from a guy like this. Look, I bet that one works better when you are a governor of a major state and not an Event Planner at a non-profit, but still, that's a tough excuse to pull off. Trust me.

Questionable accounting:

The governor attributed more than $1,800 in charges at the Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, Fla., to a trip he made to meet with someone he hoped could help him raise money. Asked if his trip broke even, he said, “I didn’t go down there for that reason,” adding: “I have a cousin who’s ill in Sarasota. I went down to see my cousin.” Mr. Paterson noted, “I mean, I did sit by the pool at the hotel, I will admit to that — that was kind of vacation-oriented.”

He can't read (stay with me on this one):

Mr. Paterson, who is legally blind, has always relied on trusted aides, in part because his disability forces him to turn to others for assistance with tasks like briefing himself on policy issues (he does not read Braille) and navigating crowded rooms.

And last but not least, this is what his friends have to say about the man:

As The Times prepared this article, Mr. Paterson and his staff encouraged reporters to interview a number of the governor’s supporters to speak about his record. One declined to comment. Two others did not return phone calls requesting an interview.

Ouch.

Person Who Defaulted On Debt Kept Up At Night By Not Being Able To Take On More Debt. Welcome To America!

The lede of this WSJ article on one oh-so tragic case of student debt gone wrong should probably be:

Yet many former students are trying. There is an estimated $730 billion in outstanding federal and private student-loan debt, says Mark Kantrowitz of FinAid.org, a Web site that tracks financial-aid issues—and only 40% of that debt is actively being repaid. The rest is in default, or in deferment, which means that payments and interest are halted, or in "forbearance," which means payments are halted while interest accrues.

What struck me however was this:

The debt load keeps her up at night. Her damaged credit has prevented her from buying a home or a new car. She says she and her boyfriend of three years have put off marriage and having children because of the debt.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. If you read the article you will find out that this chick has $555,000 of debt -- in student loans alone. She's also missed payments and attempted to default on certain loans. I would hope her credit prevented her from increasing her debt to something in neighborhood of $1million. YOU CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE. That's why you can't buy a house. It's pretty fucking simple.

The Baltimore City Council Hates Poor People

City Council goes to work on important legislative work -- like enacting highly regressive taxes used to punish poor people. Keep up the good work assholes!

Baltimore City Council is scheduled to take another run Tuesday at reducing the proliferation of plastic bag litter around the city.

The council will have a hearing and work session on bills aimed at banning plastic carryout bags altogether or imposing a 25-cent fee on each. The hearing begins at 10 a.m. before the Judiciary and Legislative Investigations Committee, 4th floor of City H all.

One bill, introduced by Council members James B. Kraft, Mary Pat Clarke and Bill Henry, would bar grocery stores and "formula retail establishments" (aka convenience stores and fast-food chains) from giving customers their merchandise in plastic bags.

Merchants would only be able to put merchandise in recyclable paper bags or reusable bags. Violators would be fined $250 for a first offense up to $1,000 for three or more offenses in a six-month period.

The other bill, inroduced by Council members Henry, William H. Cole IV, Kraft and Clarke, would require merchants to levy a 25-cent fee on every plastic bag dispensed at carryout. Exceptions would be granted for bagging up fresh fish and meat, candy, cooked foods, dairy products, fruits and nuts and ice.

Fucking retarded. When I accused a supporter of the tax via twitter, of hating poor people he requested the data that shows poor people use more plastic bags than other economic brackets. As I told him, it doesn't matter. If we assume everyone is using the same number of plastic bags (and I'm willing to bet that poor people DO use more plastic bags) a greater percentage of the poor consumers' income is going towards a stupid plastic bag tax. At 25 cents a pop that's a pretty stiff tax on a grocery trip.

The exceptions make even less sense. How does that work? The cashier at the store is tasked with keeping track of what items are exempt, and making sure they all go in the same bag? Can you mix exempt and non-exempt goods in the same bag? Does the bag get taxed or no? It's the very definition of an unfair bureaucratic burden on commerce. It's stifling and punitive. Not a very good idea in a poor city.

Understanding the Impeding NFL Lockout

From Drew Magary's Monday, Peter King column (Ed: PK=Peter King, DM=Drew Magary)

PK: I believe there will be a work stoppage in 2011.

DM: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

/slits cheeks

PK: The fact is, owners want players to bear some burden for the costs of all the stadiums that have been built in recent years, and players don’t want to pay for something they’ve never paid for before. That’s the elephant in the negotiating room right now, and no one’s budging.

DM: YOUR BOSS: Say Bob, we’re building a new factory in Dayton.

YOU: Cool!

YOUR BOSS: But I need to cut your pay by $2,000 to help build it, even though it will bring in significantly more revenue in the long run.

YOU: But I don’t see how that’s fair.

YOUR BOSS: YOU FUCKING PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW A BUSINESS WORKS. YOU ARE FUCKING LOCKED OUT.

I really can't understand how these rich fucks can't get together and work out a deal before ruining football in 2011. There is so much money involved you would think that a deal has to get done. Kinda like the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight that had to happen because there was too much money in the fight for it not to happen...Oh, wait...fuck us.

They May Not Have the Power to Plow; But Extending Holidays?

Unconfirmed, Confirmed MD Gov Martin O'Malley may turn Valentine's Day into Valentine's week to help alleviate pain to retailers and other businesses caused by the past week of weather.

Great.

Someone let me know when he extends summer. I could get behind that.

For now I'll just get back to handling the follow-up of having to cancel an event from last night because side and neighborhood roads across the city and state are still under a couple feet of snow. I wonder if O'Malley has the power to do anything about that?

The Boy Behind the Juice Box: "I make bad purchases all the time"

Ezra Klein interviews Rep. Paul Ryan, in what works out to be a pretty good exchange between the two on health care. You should read it.

I'll only excerpt one exchange between the two that produces a great line where Ezra Klein admits he's too stupid to make his own consumer decisions. And he thinks we are too..I guess:

Ezra -- You’re arguing that the benefits of competition accrue, and so even if you don’t choose at the moment of emergency, there’s still an effect from a higher-functioning market.

Ryan -- Absolutely. I don’t know anything about cars. I look at Consumer Reports and their ratings. What matters is that someone who knows about cars went and figured this out. The car company is competing for the really tough customer who goes under the hood. I’m not saying every American has to be that consumer. But enough people have to so the rest of us can benefit.

Ezra -- But take cars. Lots of people buy crappy cars, or bad televisions. I make bad purchases all the time. Liberals and conservatives are together on the publishing of quality metrics. But this stuff is more complicated and diffuse than cars. That’s not to say the consumer shouldn't’t have a role. I’m a big Wyden-Bennett guy, frankly.

I wouldn't be bragging that I'm too lazy to do consumer research on expensive products I buy. I also disagree with the notion that lots of people buy crappy cars. Most cars that are built today are not shitty cars. They may be cheap, but they aren't crappy. Or that people who do buy the crappy cars that are out there, are unaware that they are buying crappy cars.

I would hazard a guess that most people who buy crappy cars are doing so because 1) They can not afford a "good" car. 2) They choose to spend their available capital on something other than a good car. Also, it's not my responsibility to subsidize second chances for stupid consumers. I'll emphasis it for Klein. He seems to miss this point regularly.

At what point do we stop taking the guy who's been outfoxed by netflix so seriously?

Fundraising Drive

My domain registration for tothepeople.com ends March 31 of this year. I will be renewing it for another 2 years for a total of $65.98. If you would like to throw a couple bucks my way -- or more than a couple bucks -- please feel free to do so via pay-pal at tothepeople_at_gmail.com.

If you would rather send a check, case of booze, or lots of cash, hit me up via our email and I'll let you know how.

I will be renewing the registration no matter what, but money's always tight, and this blog runs a deficit between hosting fees and domain fees.

Any help is appreciated.

Cleaning Lady Is Playing Some Hardball

Sign over a urinal in my office building's bathroom. You best start flushing guys...I'm looking at you, creepy guy who brushes his teeth 2 times a day..

Horseshit

Via @mikeriggs -- "There's no bottom in the horse market". The Denver Post reports on the horse market:

Horse after well-pedigreed horse failed to fetch decent prices at this year's Mile High Select Sale of quarter horses and paint horses at the National Western Stock Show.

The bad economy, the closure of the last U.S. horse slaughterhouse in 2007, overbreeding, an abundance of mid- and low-grade horses, and the high cost of caring for horses have all conspired to cause horse prices to plummet across the country.

"There's no bottom to the horse market any more," said Scot Dutcher, chief of the Colorado Department of Agriculture's bureau of animal protection.

The horse beat is a familiar one to readers of this blog. We've covered bans on fucking, eating, and grinding the galloping creatures, coming out against all of the above. Especially the fucking one (wink, wink). [Yikes, that sounded creepy even to me when I read that back.....]

Falling prices and abandoned horses, noted here a year ago, was bound to become more of a problem when Congress made killing horses for human consumption illegal. A problem started in 2006 when the Feds tried (and essentially did) to shutter all domestic slaughter houses.

So next time you see Trigger limping down your street, looking like a straving Haitian refugee you can thank the bums in Washington for their hand in torturing thousands of horses.

Things To Do Today

Start a non-profit so that I can get my own "bone-gals". Well played Rob Kampia, well played...

Return of the Drunk Live Blog 2010 SOTU Bitches

So the post-within-the-post live blogging experiment lasted a total of 7 minutes. SUCCESS. So just deal with reading two posts you lazy fucks.

I'd like to point out that on my end this is a drunk live blog. I can't speak for my co-blogger.


8:25 -- DIAL TESTING GROUP MOTHERFUCKERS. Check out CNN's focus group from Ohio. Ugly group of folks. Maybe it's a focus group to find out what ugly people think about the SOTU. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT UGLY PEOPLE THINK.

8:35 -- Holy shit C Everett Coop needs to die. NOW. Anyone else seeing his Health Care Bill ad? He says he has 2 pacemakers, a stint, a bionic arm, a midget acting as his legs, and two glass eyes. He says that in the UK they would line him up in front of the firing squad and kill him. That's a great fucking idea. Health Care reform!

8:36 -- Stimulus Desk CNN style. HIGH TECH SHIT. Hey, those assholes on the stimulus desk don't look like they are working at all.

8:42 -- Not to confuse you people too much but I will be rotating our two blog post to the top of the blog as they update. So the most recently updated post will be on top of the blog. It sounds hard, but sometimes that's what the owner of a highly successful blog must do. MANAGE SHIT.

8:45 -- I've stated this before, but I'd bone Baltimore's own Nancy Pelosi. Not only would I do her, but I'd enjoy it.

8:50 -- Analyst on CNN.."It's mostly incumbents that are in trouble, not just Democrats." That's some dumb shit right there.

9:13 -- I prefer live blogging the commercials on CNN pre-SOTU. SOTU=GAY

9:18 -- Anyone hear that really awkward clap that quickly stopped?
"One thing we all hated was the bank bailout" Yes, yes we did. so why did we do it again? Oh, that's right...to stave off 10% unemployment. Wait...holy shit WE HAVE 10% UNEMPLOYMENT!!

9:20 -- I am Obama the populist monster!! Yes I have a law degree from Harvard, but still...I'm pretty fucking populist. DOWN WITH BANKS!!

9:28 -- How many minutes do we have left? This shit is boring...Did anyone realize that the Joy Behar show is on CNN Headline News? No? Maybe I'll live blog that shit instead.

9:35 -- KITTY BLOGGING. Nothing beats the view of a Tabby cat. Take that CNN dial testing, focus group, mid-western fatasses. YOU HAVE NO CATS.


9:41 -- MEOW

9:49 -- Best part of a 5 hour SOTU? I cans drinks lots of whiskey. GO OBAMA. This is Rob now. I kicked the cat off. He was kinda vulgar.

9:50 -- Ohhh. Let's blame Bush some more. You've been in office for one year mother fucker. "The federal government should tighten its belt" Yes IN 2009.

9:54 -- My GF...excuse me, my fiancee is reading the Gawker live blog, not mine. I say to her, Do they have cats blogging?? NO

10:04 -- I want to make fun of Wolf Blitzer. I want Andersen Cooper to ask TV-less and electricity-less Haitians what they thought of the SOTU. Can we finish the speech already?

1 hour in he gets into terrorism. Which may be the one only legitimate fucking thing they do. Protect us from people who want to blow us up.

10:25 -- Shit finally ended. I'll add my closing thoughts later, but I didn't think it was a very good SOTU. BAD OBAMA.

10:29 -- Bob McDonnell talking in front of a live legislative audience. Think the GOP learned their lesson from Gumby Jindal?

10:33 -- Alright..Archibald is fucking me up with this new post shit for the GOP rebuttal. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.

Gay Andersen Cooper Haiti Live Blogging

As CNN says, our coverage has only just begun. I feel like drinking more, so I'm going to live blog the post-SOTU coverage. For a little bit.

10:46 -- FACT CHECKING. Let's check some facts. That a hell of a tie that the CNN money guy has on. Right on.

10:56 -- What do fat people think? Turn to CNN to find out

11:02 -- Andersen Cooper sighting. I've been waiting all night. No!!! Wolf, don't go back to the panel. Back to A-Coop and S-Gup!

11:05 -- I can't be the only one who thinks David Axelrod is a Christopher Walkin doppleganger? Right?

11:14 -- Eric Ericson on CNN. MY LAST NAME IS PART OF FIRST. Paul Begala. ROB THE BLOGGER DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MY LAST NAME.

God Mary Madalin looks like a ghost. That is it.

11:21 -- CNN is all over the tweets. Tell us what we are thinking CNN.

11:29 -- I just interrupted a conversation with my fiancee and re-winded my DVR so that I could catch the entirety of the the Andersen Cooper spot. I am gay.

Anderson and Sanjay. LOVE EACH OTHER TENDERLY.

I like the Andersen thumb-in-pockets stance. COWBOY.

11:44 - Black republican on CNN within the Ohio "I am Fat Focus Group". Nothing to add. Just wanted to point out a block republican in Ohio.

'Obama Announces Intiatives for Middle Class' -- Yay for Me...Oh, Fuck...Scratch That

I'd like to stop being the "other person" in the "spending other people's money" axiom.

AP:

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama on Monday offered help for people struggling to pay bills and care for their families, appealing to a middle-class he says has been "under assault for a long time."

In a partial preview of a State of the Union address that aims to answer voter angst about the economy and reconnect with the public, Obama outlined the series of proposals from the White House.[...]

Among the initiatives: a doubling of the child care tax credit for families earning under $85,000; a $1.6 billion increase in federal funding for child care programs and a program to cap student loan payments at 10 percent of income above "a basic living allowance."

His initiatives also include expanding tax credits to match retirement savings and increasing aid for families taking care of elderly relatives. That program would also require many employers to provide the option of a workplace-based retirement savings plan.

I exist in some sort of childless, non-property owning, no college debt, earning little money, black-fuck-me-up-the-ass-hole of taxpayers. Doesn't anyone want to buy my vote??

I promise you; 20-somethings with substance abuse problems and a lack of life ambitions WILL be the swing vote in the upcoming mid-term elections. And we're cheap to buy off. I'd just take a bottle of something.

Depressing...

Really good piece by NPR on the bail bond industry.

MPP Intrique

Perhaps only interesting to me...but according to reports Rob Kampia is taking an extended leave of absence from his gig at the Marijuana Policy Project to work on issues related to "hypersexualization" and his workplace attitudes towards women. Ladies and gentlemen, the face of the drug policy reform lobby!

Since I can't access the High Times article that originally "broke" this story (because I'm at work and unlike the MPP, my employer cares about things like workplace professionalism. Zing!) here are links to reason and the Post; both of which provide a quick synopsis of the scandal that led to Kampia's leave of absence and a number of staffer's resignations.

This story has special significance to me, having met the guy a couple of times, one of which was a job interview with MPP 2 or 3 years ago. This was during the time I was blogging frequently on drug policy and TtP had many more DC readers than it does now. I happened to mention my ownership of the blog prior to the interview, thinking it might help. I should mention that this was also a period where I was making a lot of tranny jokes. Don't ask. It was a dark period. You can see where this is going.

Now I can say with confidence that it wasn't my sexually depraved humor that kept me from getting that job -- in fact it probably helped -- instead it was just a really shitty interview* coupled with a thin resume. Boy do I feel better.



*I'm serious. It was the worlds worst interview. I was sweating through my suit...in February. Asked them to turn on the AC. Told them that "I wasn't a big fan of e-mail". Made several off the cuff remarks about people calling them douche bags. In a really awkward moment I was walking out of the office where the interview was going on and heard one of the ladies who was in room call out Rob. So I walked back in and said "Yes?"...She said, and I quote, "Not you". Ouch...

After I left I went straight to Union Station, quickly downed a handful of 7and7s, then drove home to drink an epic amount of alcohol that night. What I learned was you should never, under any circumstance "be yourself" in a job interview if you happen to be me. It was a valuable lesson.

Mass Voters Could Have Elected a Giant Squid For All I Care; As Long As He Was the 41st Vote*

Great Massachusetts senate post-mortem by Dave Weigal in the Washington Independent this morning.

My only thoughts: As a casual observer in Maryland this race reminded me of the 2002 MD gubernatorial race. A lot of parallels between the two. A Democrat in Kathleen Townsend (who also happened to be a Kennedy) ran a really shitty and uninspiring race. A talented center-ish Republican ran a great race and took advantage of the points spotted to him by Townsend. He pulls off a huge upset, becomes the first Republican Governor in Maryland since Spiro Agnew....And he goes on to lose 4 years later to Martin O'Malley. Minus Brown losing to a Baltimore Mayor, the same result will most likely happen in two years. But enjoy it while you can Mass Republicans.

*For the record I do think it's pretty fucking stupid that a majority isn't a majority in the Senate. However, it's 9 times out 10 it's a good thing to make it harder for those old fucks to pass a bill. So it's a wash in my book.

Poe Toaster Is a No Show; Papers Get To Break Out the 'Nevermore' Headlines

Interesting story in Baltimore, as the mysterious Poe toaster doesn't show up at the famous grave for the first time in 50 years.

A longtime tribute to Edgar Allan Poe may have come to an end with the absence of the "Poe Toaster," who for more than half a century has marked the poet's birthday by laying roses and a bottle of cognac at his original grave site.

This is the first time since Jan. 19, 1949 that the person, whose identity is unknown, failed to arrive, said Jeff Jerome, curator of the Edgar Allan Poe House.

If it's been the same guy for the past 50 years, odds are the guy finally died. That thought somehow doesn't occur to the curator of the Poe house:

"I was very annoyed," he said.

"I've been doing this since 1977, and there was no indication he wasn't going to show up," Jerome said.

Full story here.

Smoke Detectors Are Gay

I agree -- Fuck smoke detectors.

Let me take this opportunity to pass along a tip that was unknown to me until I spent a very loud (and very high hour) wrestling with a smoke detector after a failed batch of cannabutter set off an alarm many, many years ago in my college apartment.

Turn off the oven.

Nothing makes you feel like a jackass more than ripping TWO smoke detectors out of the ceiling only to figure out that the alarm won't stop until you turn the oven off. Needless to say I never got my security deposit back from that apartment. The condition of the bathrooms probably didn't help either...

Additional tip: Cannabutter isn't worth the trouble. You probably won't make it correctly leading to that really awkward experience with 3 stoners sitting around eating buttered bread wondering if it's started to kick-in yet. You feel like a real douche when you have a 3 ft bong in the corner of the room and you're trying to get high from eating toast.

The Bachelor Boots Show Contestant Who Fools Around With Multiple People..Wait..What?

I'm a confessed fan of ABC's The Bachelor. When I first started watching the show a few years back I compared it to a snuff film. I think that analysis still works. It's one hell of a creepy show, and leaves you a not-so-good feeling about yourself for watching.

For me that usually last for about half a second until I remembered that I just finished watching streaming video of....oh I dunno, a pregnant nun getting boned in a barn. Creepy is relative, no?

This season however a scandal has rocked the show to its core. Initial guesses in the Rob household during the lead up to the on-air reveal included: 1) One of the man-ish looking chicks was in fact a man. 2) One or more of the chicks were involved in a lesbian orgy during the show. (my favorite) 3)Someone was married. We were all wrong. DEAD WRONG.

Turns out that one of the whores on the show was actually...A WHORE! WHO KNEW??? I AM SO OUTRAGED!!

Here's the breakdown of the "Scandal of '10": This girl (which by looking at her, would you ever guess that she would be at the center of a sex scandal? Nooooo, how could you?) apparently entered into inappropriate relations with a producer of the show that features such completely appropriate things as group dates and multiple groping partners. The producer was fired, the contestant kicked off and douche named Jake who's this years Bachelor couldn't believe that someone who would come on to a reality show had motivations other than finding her future husband. I know Jake. Hard to figure.

Pot For All!

Marijuana legalization bill gets through committee in California Assembly. I haven't been following this closely, but it's surely an interesting development.

Back from Vacation

Didn't mention it earlier but I went on, and have now returned from a week in chilly Florida with the old lady. Ate lots of food, drank some booze, and caught a std from a hot tub. It was a nice time.

The last part is no joke - ever get a spider bite on your eyelid while sleeping? No? Well, don't judge me, I grew up in a house that was set back in some woods. We had bugs. And mice. Occasionally snakes. My mom warmed our beds at night with bricks heated in the fireplace stuffed inside a sock. No fucking joke. I'm 25 and I grew up in 1912. But those spider bites are something fierce if you've ever had one, or seen one. I'm basically saying that the hot tub was one big spider and my penis was the eyelid. It's not pleasant.

I'm taking the rest of the week off from work, which may or may not include blogging. Enjoy the weekend if I don't pop back in.

Bold Prediction for 2011 and Beyond

Here it is: Proliferation of streaming, on-demand mobile pornography will have disastrous consequences for worker productivity and drivers every where.

At the very least there's a 3-1 chance of this guy losing his job in the next 12 months because of it.

Isn't technology fantastic? And let's not leave porn out either. Porn's pretty good too. But without technology I'd still be jerking off to my imagination. Stupid imagination.

Plan To End Homelessness Foiled By Homeless People

Way back in the optimistic year of 2008 when it seemed like nothing was out of our collective reach, Baltimore's esteemed, and not-yet-convicted mayor debuted a 10 year plan to end homelessness in Charm City. Tens of millions of dollars and two years later, the Baltimore Sun reports on city efforts to close a tent city under a major highway leading to this statistic:

Early last year, Mayor Sheila Dixon announced a 10-year plan to end homelessness in Baltimore. A June study showed Baltimore's homeless population had increased by 12 percent, to about 3,500 individuals.

It's progress. Not forward progress, but the statistic is moving. And that's definitely progress...in some way.

That's The Last Time That Guy Eats Mayo Covered Fries Before Boarding An 8 Hour Flight

What constitutes the latest terrorist attack on our nation's not-so friendly skies? A man with a burning ass. Not burning in the I-just-shoved-5lbs-of-explosives-up-my-ass kind of way. This was more of the I-can't-stop-this-burning-liquid-fire-from coming-out-of-my-ass kind of way.

Anyone who has a history of sitting on the crapper for long periods of time had to cringe, if only a little when they heard about the latest Amsterdam flight incident where a Nigerian man took too long in the bathroom leading to a bona-fide international incident complete with sequestered passengers and luggage.

Personally, I'd consider it an accomplishment if my poop was enough to ground an airplane, but I'm not sure this poor fellow feels the same way.

I'm flying on Thursday (not to Amsterdam unfortunately) and I eagerly await the TSA warnings about pooping time on flights. And yes, I will make sure to take a shit before boarding.

THE INTERNET IS OUTRAGED!!!

Rings, open-bar holiday parties, snow..It was a busy weekend for me. But I show up to work this morning to find that THE TUBES NEVER REST.

The Great Snowball Fight/Gun Play Incident of the Great Snow Storm of '09 occurred in DC over the weekend and the internet is all a twitter with the happenings. Like everything else that happens in DC, the rest the nation had to hear about it whether we cared or not.

I briefly saw something on my twitter feed about a cop pulling a gun during a twitter organized snowball fight down in DC. [Side Note: They had one of these twitter snowball fight things in Baltimore too. No I wasn't there. I was too busy having sex. But my point is that there was no such gun waving incident in Baltimore. No, our cops are too busy actually shooting and killing people to be bothered with scaring yuppies throwing snowballs.]

So I saw the quick take on the incident and like anyone else it sounded to me like some stupid cop did something stupid with a gun. But reading the accounts and watching the videos this morning, I'm not so sure that those "kids" (couple of the accounts on reason and Washington City Paper interestingly referred to what looked like a group of 20 and 30-somethings as kids) didn't find themselves in a predictable situation that they really could have, and should have avoided.

These douches were throwing snowballs at unsuspecting motorists, no? What fucking adult does that? The off duty cop overreacted, but it appeared that he was overreacting as a pissed off motorist, not a pissed off cop. You wouldn't find me on the corner of Baltimore and Bentalou throwing snowballs at passing cars because a) I'm not a fucking douche b) I might get the shit beat out me.

I'm certainly not defending dirty cops. I blog about it as much as I can stand, and read about it daily. I hear stories from co-workers who live in bad sections of the city about cops taking liberties in just about every regard possible. There are truly tragic stories like this one. A kid who is trying to do something with his life and has no criminal record is mysteriously shot dead by cops. That shit sucks. It sucks a lot. But sorry...I don't see the snowball drama to be anywhere in the ballpark of what I should be outraged about.

P.S. The comments at the City Paper prove to be real classy.

Important Blog Announcement

It took some convincing but my lovely girlfriend said yes to a marriage proposal.

It was pretty romantic. I told her that I was clearly batting out of my league, and had little to no chance at locking up anyone with tits like hers. How could she say no?

In all seriousness, I'm a lucky guy who found a wonderful person. A wonderful person who has read this blog since day one of our relationship. Wonderful and tolerant.

Show Of Hands Of Everyone Who Figured Berlusconi Got "Tiger-ed"

Come on...Based on Berlusconi's history, when you saw the headline "Italy's Berlusconi to stay in hospital after attack", you had to be thinking of Tiger.

Alas, it appears that was not the case. Rather a mental patient beat the Italian Prime Minister with a model of the Milan Cathedral. I shit you not.

The Story That Makes You Want To Poop All Over America

I hate America. WSJ:

PALMDALE, Calif. -- Schoolteacher Shana Richey misses the playroom she decorated with Glamour Girl decals for her daughters. Fireman Jay Fernandez misses the custom putting green he installed in his backyard.

But ever since they quit paying their mortgages and walked away from their homes, they've discovered that giving up on the American dream has its benefits.

Both now live on the 3100 block of Club Rancho Drive in Palmdale, where a terrible housing market lets them rent luxurious homes -- one with a pool for the kids, the other with a golf-course view -- for a fraction of their former monthly payments.

I WANT YOU BOTH TO DIE.

Both these assholes also get free coffee once a month at Dunkin Donuts. When's free coffee day for Underpaid Non-Profit Workers?? Never, that's when. Fuck you Dunkin Donuts. I'll take Caribou's over-priced coffee any day of the week over your Indian inspired brown water.

Houses for free, coffee for free. Pensions that non public-sector employees could only dream of. I mean that. I dream of guaranteed pensions and retirement. Kitties too. [Speaking of cats....Have any of you seen this? The Furminator. Probably the most bad-ass invention ever. Review to follow after my old lady and I are rolling around in piles of fur on our bed, like mountains of $100 bills.] All these riches made possible by the ass-sweat of renters and taxpayers alike.

You can't even call them stupid for spending like a Caligula and buying (I'll use that term loosely in this case) homes they couldn't afford AND doubling up on the debt with improvements like putting greens and helicopter landing pads, or whatever it is that stupid white people put in their homes. No, people like me are the ones left looking like idiots in this equation. I rent an apartment that is roughly the size of my cube here at work. Roughly...The cube may be a little bit bigger. And has better heat.

These assholes not only walk away from hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt but also get to rent houses with pools and access to golf courses. FUCK YOU. These people should be thrown in jail. It's stealing, plain and simple. From the bank, and from the taxpayers who are subsidizing this madness. I don't care what their credit will look like, that's no punishment. I want to see them behind bars. If we live in a country that throws people in jail for smoking I think it's only fair that this type of behavior is punished just as harshly. It's hurting a lot more people than marijuana smoke could ever hope to.

If nothing else at least these people are cutting back once they have thrown the debt off their shoulders...Right?

Some are leaving behind their homes and mortgages right away, while others are simply halting payments until the bank kicks them out. That's freeing up cash to use in other ways.

Ms. Richey's family of five used some of the money to buy season tickets to Disneyland, and plans to take a Carnival cruise to Mexico in March. Mr. Fernandez takes his girlfriend out to dinner more frequently. "We're saving lots of money," Ms. Richey says.

*Sigh*...Motherfuckers.

Via City Paper where some good, and not-quite-as-angry comments are made.

No Pot For Dog Sledders

Even the Iditarod is getting in on drug testing.

You would think that riding in an open sled across a frozen tundra is one activity where drugs or alcohol would be a requirement. Anchorage Daily News:

FAIRBANKS -- The Iditarod plans to test mushers for drugs and alcohol in March, a change many mushers have no problem with -- but one that three-time champion Lance Mackey scoffs at.[...]

Mackey, a throat cancer survivor who has a medical marijuana card, admits to using marijuana on the trail and thinks his success has made some of his competitors jealous.

"It isn't the reason I've won three years in a row," said Mackey, though he concedes marijuana helps him stay awake and focused during the 1,100-mile race that takes winners nearly 10 days to complete.[...]

Mackey says the issue of mushers smoking on the trail is irrelevant because it hasn't affected anyone's race.

Furthermore, he said, what he does in his time is his business.

"The Alaska lifestyle, you can do just about anything you want if you're not bothering anybody," he said. "You have a little more freedom in this state and smoking pot is kind of a common thing here in Alaska."

Ahh Alaska...Sounds like a frozen paradise...[says the guy from Baltimore who can't even lean on a fucking flower pot without some fuckwad from the city yelling at him]

World Cup Draw, Drugs, Bodies

--Find a comfortable seat near a TV at 12 pm EST for the 2010 World Cup draw. Similar to the NCAA basketball bracket, the draw either gives hope to teams like the US or makes 3 years of hard work during qualifying seem utterly pointless in a matter of seconds. What's not to like?

If you're a US fan you're hoping for a draw that puts us in a group with South Africa as the top seed and avoids dangerous unseeded teams like France, Portugal and the Ivory Coast. Saying that, we'll probably end up in the famous Group of Death consisting of something like Brazil, France, Paraguay...Or something dauntingly similar that has you immediately looking forward to Brazil 2014. Speaking of which...How amazing will the World Cup be in Brazil? Could there be a better venue for a month long party? Cheap hookers, drugs, beautiful weather --- It has it all.

--Failure in the drug war takes many different forms.

I need to move to a place where failure in the drug war takes the form of pointless marijuana eradication, and not dead bodies. Seems like a better morning read. Here's Sun crime reporter Peter Hermann reporting from a memorial for an officer who was killed in a drug bust gone bad 25 years ago:

At the ceremony outside the house in which Marty had been shot, 1829 Frederick Avenue, cops gathered and talked about continuing the drug war and "standing the line" but it was clear that 25 years of seemingly futile work has made little headway. Above, in a picture by The Sun's Lloyd Fox, Officer Efren Edwards salutes).

The best that could be said came from Gary Childs, who was the lead cop on the raid team when Marty was shot. Standing back at the house a quarter-century later, Childs told me: "Imagine what it would be like if we didn't do what we did. We try to put a lid on it and make it OK for the people who have to live here."

In other words, we're barely keeping pace. We're struggling to maintain the status-quo. As as several police officers told me on Thursday, the amount of heroin Marty was negotiating for in such an elaborate and dangerous sting is roughly the same amount cops today get in standard street rips.

"Baltimore will never change," one city police lieutenant told me.

No shit. In Baltimore we've had an especially violent November giving us an annual homicide total that is now on pace to top last year's 20 year low of 234. Both figures more than the total US fatalities in Afghanistan in 2008. It would be nice if people pointed out this collateral damage from the drug war a bit more often.

--New York Times takes the occasion of the putrid New Jersey Nets starting the season 0-18 to remind readers of the 0-23 1988 Orioles. Thanks for that.

Term of the Day: Skank Agent

Consider yourself informed. And yes, I WOULD do the girl on the left.

Only In Baltimore

Stuck to the back of a city contruction sign downtown on Charles St. In case you are having trouble making it out it says: DC IS FOR FUCKERS.

Monday Morning Thoughts

I really hate work. The sound of voices in an open office will haunt my mornings for the rest of my life.

For the cost of these Odwalla juices, they had better prevent cancer AND make my penis grow inches.

Is there anything better than seeing someone in your age range who is losing their hair? I should add, that I imagine this is only the case if you yourself are not losing your hair. Bonus points if the douche is fat and wearing a tight pink shirt.

Here's a shocker: A really hot blonde who's in to black dudes turns out to be crazy. Never heard that one before...

Let's Do Some Creepy Internet Searching!

It's been awhile, so let's take a break on this rainy Monday to peer into the dark disturbing place that is the internet, with an installment of -- How You Got Here.

As always, this is a list of some of the more popular daily internet searches that directed serial killers the world over to our little corner of the web. For past entries check here.

Note: Some of TtP blog post have been included in previous versions of How You Got Here. However, I try to include keywords that have not been. Also, I'd like to include a link through to the google search so that you can see our ranking on any particular creepy phase. Alas, I've learned after several uncomfortable discussions with my friendly IT overlords (Hi Anthony!) that perhaps a history of google searches such as "grandpa porn", "sheep fucker", and "horse fucker" on my work computer is not the best of ideas with the labor market as it currently is. Fair enough. Onto the list!

-- gloryhole locations in md -- TtP page: Smoke 'Em (Thru the Glory Hole) While You Can. Things that aren't a shock about this search -- The creep who searched for this is still using AOL.

-- masturbating while driving -- TtP page: I Think I've Seen This On YouPorn


-- transexual husbands -- TtP page: Ann Coulter, Still a Transexual


--bolivian sex movie -- TtP page: I Like My Bolivian Hookers Dirty and Agitated


-- midget clown arrested for coming into home -- TtP page: Our Pedophilia tag...Which reminds me, I've been meaning to get rid of that...

--dogsfucking people.com -- TtP page: Our Bestiality tag

This last one isn't particularly creepy, but I found it interesting. The top keyword today is: pissed off skins fans. Which I'm happy to say we are the number one result as of 4:34 pm via a google search. Proud moment for us all here at TtP. Here's Archibald's post: A 'Skins Fan's Lament.

Don't Write Pussy Over At Post-Dispatch Or Else This Douche Will Get You Fired

Saw this over the weekend via Kip Esquire's twitter feed and wanted to throw up a post on it before every other blogger did. And just like every other time in the past 4 years of blogging that I've had that thought, instead of punching up a post I got distracted by porn, cute videos of kitties, raindrops....sometimes porn WITH cute kitties. I'm not going to lie. I'm a mess. But who doesn't like adorable kitties AND naked women? Why not together I ask?? WHY NOT?!??

But um...about that douche who works at paper and gets people fired. I won't rehash the story, Tim Cavanaugh does a fair job at that, so read his post first to get the pertinent background information.

I guess the point that I'll make, that I've yet to see anywhere, is more in relation to the management of mainstream print media. To me it's laughable that this guy's job at the paper is Director of Social Media. The blog post that got this whole thing started was title "What's the Craziest Thing You've Eaten? Did you Like It?" For the purposes of making my point, we'll gloss over the fact that Kurt (the douche in question) has really stupid ideas for blogging that are the equivalent of an ice breaker for some team building exercises at a stupid work retreat. Yup, let's just zoom right over top that...

My question: What the fuck is the point of having a blog written by a Social Media Director that asks retarded questions like this on a news organizations site? Shouldn't they be paying for reporters to go out and gather news?

Better yet, what's a Director of Social Media doing on their payroll? Is twitter and facebook so fucking complex that they need a Director of Social Media? I'll answer that question -- IT ISN'T. Even if it was, why would you hire a 50 year old man who clearly has no idea how the internet works, or how information flows on the internet, to run that department? For fucks sake, you could hire a 23 year old college graduate for pennies on the dollar of Kurt's salary. And the 23 year old might have some clue as to what s/he is doing.

I work at an organization larger than the Post-Dispatch. IMO, we've done a good job of developing our social media properties. We do not have a Director of Social Media. We do not have a Social Media Department. We have a cross departmental group that works on our e-communications and social media with help from our marketing consultants. I'm not saying everyone does it like this, nor am I saying that it's the best way to approach the situation. But it seems to work for us. I think there is a general tendency through out business (not just in print media) to over think social media. This, I think, is an expensive mistake. Perhaps if you work in an industry that makes money you can afford to make costly mistakes like that. But if you work in an industry that is in a debt/death spiral, I don't think you can afford to make those mistakes.

I'd Take An Employee of The Month Award...

People who smoke pot can win awards too!


This isn't the first time we've encountered this phenomenon...

James McWilliams Reminds Us All Why We Hate That One Vegetarian We Know

Good God Almighty. Fuck this poor miserable soul who's only joy in life to suck the joy out of others lives and starve poor people to death. Did I mention he also looks like a weasel who wears glasses? Because he does. Not even a cute weasel with glasses that you would dress up in a little sweater and take for walks around the city and people would say, "Aw, that's a cute weasel. Can I pet him?"

No, that's not him. Instead he looks like the type of weasel that carries rabies. And syphilis. Definitely looks like a weasel with syphilis. No one wants to pet a rabid weasel who has syphilis. Trust me.

Here's the weasel in a Washington Post op-ed demanding an apology from meat-eaters:

We know more than we've ever known about the innards of the global food system. We understand that food can both nourish and kill. We know that its production can both destroy and enhance our environment. We know that farming touches every aspect of our lives -- the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the soil we need.

So it's hard to avoid concluding that eating cannot be personal. What I eat influences you. What you eat influences me. Our diets are deeply, intimately and necessarily political.

God damn, we're all doomed. Fucked to an eternity of douche bags like this one telling us what is and isn't politically conscionable to eat, wear, drive, fuck and everything else in between.

If what YOU FUCKING EAT isn't personal what is? Is the pornography I choose to watch a personal decision? Or no, because it would offend just about any reasonable person? Seriously, If this guy is offended by eating chicken he would shit-a-brick at my browsing history.

More:

This realization changes everything for those who avoid meat. As a vegetarian I've always felt the perverse need to apologize for my dietary choice. It inconveniences people. It smacks of self-righteousness. It makes us pariahs at dinner parties. But the more I learn about the negative impact of meat production, the more I feel that it's the consumers of meat who should be making apologies

I don't care about your self pity. My concern isn't about you feeling out of place at a dinner party. What I care about is your types making meat more expensive for poor people. That's my concern. I want beef, chicken and pork to be cheap and widely available, because it's the 21st century and we're a rich, developed society with a huge middle class. It wasn't always like this asshole. Meat was a luxury. Protein was a luxury.

That's the elephant in the room. [I was working on this post before I read this post by Sonny Bunch, so excuse the redundancy] These people want to price certain types of food out of certain types of people's budgets. You don't think that fat guy in Iowa is eating properly. You also think he doesn't hold cows in the proper esteem. It offends you. So you want meat to so expensive that poor people can't afford to eat as much of it as they are now. That's pretty shitty no?

If You Learn Only One Thing From This Blog, Let It Be to Never Fuck With a Chimpanzee

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Remember this lady? Well, she's still alive and doing pretty well. I mean, you know, considering that she doesn't have hands, lips, a nose, eyes, and her face looks like something I left in the toilet this morning. She's able to walk, but has to eat through a straw, and can't breath through her nose...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE ANYMORE.

I have a few rules in life -- always keeping a small collection of downloaded pornography on a back-up laptop in case the internet goes down, or my primary laptop blows up, is one of those rules. Never associating with anyone who keeps large, dangerous animals in cages in their living room is another.[Granting that it is pretty fucking cool to have dangerous animals in your house] So while I feel for the now faceless Ms Nash, I'm pretty sure she's not entitled to the 30 million she is suing the chimp's owner for (a friend of hers, Ms Nash helped care for the chimp), and certainly not entitled to the 100 million she wants to sue the state for.

How about this? When one of your friends calls you up and says, "Hey, would you help me lure a 200lb+ chimpanzee back into it's cage?" Instead of saying, "Sure, why not. Nothing is on TV anyways." Why don't you suggest she call another friend that no one likes. And already has an ugly face.

My favorite chimp attack to date is this one. For some reason, a couple decide to bring Mo (a chimp living at a chimp sanctuary) a birthday cake to celebrate his birthday. Because who doesn't do that. Two other chimps get jealous, escape from their cages and proceed to eat the mans face off and rip his testicles off of his body. The lesson learned from this situation is that you always bring cakes for EVERY chimpanzee at the sanctuary. Also, you never want to be part of an article with the headline, "Man loses face and testicle in ape attack at California sanctuary"

Bonus: Many years ago we ran a post detailing the epidemic of *monkey/ape/chimpanzee attacks.

I have no fucking clue the difference between them all. I just know I don't want to be anywhere near any of them.

It Pays To Be A Mexican Drug Lord

Joaquin "Chapo" Guzman comes in at #41 on Frobes Most Powerful list.

Obviously being on this list means shit; but the power that Guzman wields across the border is very real -- and I imagine -- very frightening for the people who live in his territory. It's estimated that his cartel is responsible for hundreds of killings a month in Mexico, by way of turf battles and retribution killings. El Chapo runs what's arguably the largest, and most powerful drug cartel in the world, the Sinaloa cartel. The guy's something of a legend, having been arrested and jailed by Mexican authorities in the late 90's only to escape in 2001 via a laundry cart.

Here's a very good profile on the man from the WSJ that was published this past summer. Recently The Atlantic also ran a piece on the failed drug war in Mexico. Here's a breakdown of cartel controlled areas in Mexico via the BBC.

Corrupt Cop Proves a Blessing To Drug Dealers

The City Paper follows up on the case of the corrupt Baltimore cop who was detailed to a DEA task force and the difficulties that it's caused for prosecuting certain drug cases where the cop was involved.

And On the 5th Day God Made Women's Soccer

Best video you will watch all day. Click through the link and watch the embedded video within the Deadspin post. Unbelievably hot.

And check out the new label below. Can't wait to start using it.

Friday Links

*Unemployment hits 10.2%, but apparently the real unemployment number is over 17% when you factor in people who have taken part-time work in lieu of non-existent full-time jobs, and people who have stopped looking for jobs because...well...I have no fucking clue why you would stop looking for a job when you don't have one.

So I think this underemployed number that the media likes to trot out is stupid. It's stupid because you shouldn't count as unemployed if you are employed. Even part-time. You certainly shouldn't count as unemployed if you're too fucking lazy to look for a job. While I understand that the statistic is called "underemployed" for a reason, it's still too often used by the media as a better judge of the labor market. Personally, I think we should just go Bush-era Homeland Security style, and start using a color coded scale ranging from green (for a great labor market) to red (for a shitty labor market).

*China gets golf. Tiger was sidelined for the last HSBC Championship -- a golf tournament known as the "Asia Major" that takes place in Shanghai every fall -- his return has brought back rabid galleries that were missing last year. With those rabid galleries comes a gazillion little Chinese men that have no fucking clue about golf etiquette. True, this is coming from an American golf fan -- a species of golf fan responsible for the "GET IN THE HOLE!" yell that has now officially zoomed past the douche zone and follows every golf shot on the PGA Tour. Still, the Chinese seem to be a particularly annoying new golf fan base who -- if you can believe this -- won't put down their nosy electronics during golfers swings. As the reporter in the linked story above says:

Most fairways have the feel of the electronics department of the downtown Shanghai Best Buy.

*Lots of whores due to flock to Dallas for NBA All-Star game and the Super Bowl in 2011. Whatever. Same old story that gets rehashed every year. But this is newsworthy -- from the linked Dallas News story -- there's a National Prostitute Diversion Conference. Here's a thought: Do hookers flock every year to take care of the attendees of the National Prostitute Diversion Conference?

*Baltimore Sun engages in actual journalism. Snarky? Yes. Undeserved...probably not. But credit due where credit is earned. The Sun and the Independent are doing an exchange program with their crime reporters. By way of Britain's massive crush on all things The Wire related the Sun's Justin Fenton ad the Independent's Mark Hughes are switching countries for a short time and comparing crime trends. The two papers have set up blogs, updated daily, and the two reporters are filing regular stories for the print editions. It's good stuff. It's the type of interesting journalism that papers like the Sun should be doing more of.

Taking an Office Dump

I'm a huge advocate of office dumps -- and I'm not talking about taking the occasional shit while at the office -- I'm saying that during the week I take all my dumps at work. I operate under the theory that if I have the choice between being paid for taking a crap and not being paid for taking a crap, I always choose the former. You never know when that day comes where no one is willing to pay you for taking a huge dump. So you know, carpe diem and all that.

I've never had a problem with this until the last year at my new-ish job. This building has a cleaning lady who hits our bathroom twice a day. Sounds great, but unfortunately her cleaning schedule matches up with my shitting schedule. It's become an issue. She does this thing where she walks in to see if anyone is in there, and if someone is she waits outside by her cart for you to leave so that she can enter and clean. See where this is going? Now, I'm pretty immune to shame , but even for me this is starting to get awkward. I'll be the only guy in the bathroom, she'll be waiting 5-10 minutes for me and I've left the not-so-pleasant after effects of my previous night of drinking in the bathroom for her. To make matters worse you have to walk right by her on the way out. I've mumbled "sorry" before just because I don't know how I'm suppose to acknowledge her. She can't be happy with me, and quite frankly I'm not happy with her either. She's sapping all the enjoyment I should be getting from taking a dump on the company dime.

Shameless Linking

Trolling through the archives I found this post from April 2008. One of my favorites and still makes me laugh. And yes, I read old posts on a regular basis. The single biggest reason I still blog is to entertain myself. It's like masturbating, only I can do it at my desk at work.

The Belly Button Lint I Picked Out Last Night Saved Or Created 1,325 Jobs

But, not to be out done be my belly button lint the Obama Administration claims that the "Rape and Pillaging Act of '09" saved or created 650,000 jobs. In Maryland our cut of those 650,000 jobs works out to 4,460 jobs. 3,425 jobs were also saved or created on the moon, 4,745 somewhere around the core of the earth, and another 8,200 were saved or created in some distant land called "Wisconsin".

Panera Bread to Trees: Fuck You

This is a picture of a Panera bag taken on my desk. I've put a 32oz water bottle next to the bag to give you an idea of scale. Taking a look at the size of the bag you may have thought I ordered a foot long hoogie and a gallon of milk. Or maybe an elephant's dump. Not quite. I ordered half a salad and half a sandwich, and somewhere in the deep reaches of this bag my meal was found.

It may very well be cheaper to produce really big fucking bags, instead of bags that are merely big, who knows. Or maybe Panera just really hates the forest. All possibilities.

Other news: The Redskins are bad. Really bad. So bad, that they've taken to banning signs at Fed Ex field that announce how bad they are. That's not quite how team officials describe the new rule, instead claiming that they're banning all signs at the stadium because of the inherent risk of signs around crowds of people. Who doesn't remember the Great Sign Massacre of '07? No one? Oh right, that's probably because it never happened. Nor as any other sign related disaster ever happened. I would guess that's because signs AREN'T FUCKING DANGEROUS. Buckle up Redskin fans -- It's gong to be a long 9 weeks...

Is There a Pyramid Scheme for Dummies Book?

Because I'd really like to start one. A large one. Details on the life of a pyramid scheme manager:

Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff promoted a "culture of sexual deviance" at his New York headquarters that featured vast quantities of cocaine and drug-fueled parties with topless waitresses, according to details of a new lawsuit.

"Madoff's affinity for escorts, masseuses and attractive female employees was well known in the office culture," the complaint says. "A significant amount of the money stolen from investors went towards these lavish indulgences as well as other expenses for his employees, family and favorite feeders."[..]

The complaint, filed by California lawyer Joseph Cotchett on behalf of dozens of fraud victims, says coke was so rampant in his Manhattan headquarters that it was known as "The North Pole."

Well...they may have had bowls of coke, swarms of naked whores and a ton of booze at Madoff office parties; but I bet they didn't have a contest for Best Decorated Cube at their office halloween party. You know who does? This guy. And as I always say, who needs drugs, booze and whores when you have a receptionist with a flair for holiday decorations.

Full article here.

Splitting Household Chores Leads To More Sex, Say Women Who Do Household Chores

Actual article emailed to me from my not-so-subtle girlfriend:

Housework may seem like the ultimate romance-killer. But guess what?

A new study shows that for husbands and wives alike, the more housework you do, the more often you are likely to have sex with your spouse.

Earlier studies have hinted at this connection for men; the sight of a husband mopping the floor or doing dishes sparks affection in the hearts of many wives. But the more-housework-equals-more-sex link for wives, documented in a study of 6,877 married couples published online recently in the Journal of Family Issues, is a surprise.

Thanks dear, really appreciate that attempt at bribery interesting article.

Today's email from girlfriend -- Study shows men who lose 20lbs and occasionally get their hair cut by a professional have more sex with their partners.

Oh, and I'm close to publishing a similar study that appears to suggest that women who let their men watch playoff baseball and Sunday Night Football instead of It's Me Or the Dog! re-runs receive more help with household chores than those who don't. Point for Rob!

Meghan McCain Has Great Breasts

Bam. God Bless twitter and the outraged nitwits on twitter who somehow turned this into a story that needed to be covered. With a picture of her breasts.

Flashback to January 2008 when I first discovered McCain while live blogging a primary debate when I endorsed her father after learning he had a hot daughter. I stand by that endorsement.

The NAACP Doesn't Want An Irishman To Become Mayor of Baltimore. I'm Glad We Cleared That Up

In the annals of weird things the NAACP says and does, this ranks high up there:

Leaders of the Maryland NAACP, worried that a Baltimore mayor's criminal conviction could result in the appointment of a white or Republican leader who may not fully represent the majority black and Democratic city, are asking state lawmakers to strip the governor of authority to permanently fill the office.

OK. Fair enough. I hate white politicians too. But unlike the NAACP I haven't been kept up at night with worry of that happening anytime soon, because in this city the City Council President is a black female who also happens to be a Democrat. And even though I've never voted in a city election and spend most of my time blogging about boobies, I know that in Baltimore when there is a Mayoral vacancy, the line of succession leads straight to the City Council President. How do I know this? Because it happened 2 years ago in this fucking city.

Still, it is not clear that the resolution or a law change is warranted. According to Dan Friedman, an assistant attorney general who is counsel to the General Assembly, the governor does not have the authority to make an appointment.

Instead, the state constitution defers to the city's charter, he said, which elevates the city council president to be mayor in case of a vacancy. That's how Dixon became mayor in 2007 after Martin O'Malley, her predecessor, was elected governor.

It gets better:

Marvin L. Cheatham, the president of the Baltimore Chapter of the NAACP, introduced the resolution because he heard an attorney on a radio program discussing a lack of clarity on succession if Dixon were to be convicted and sentenced.

"Our concern is who would the governor appoint?" Cheatham said. "Here you have a predominantly African-American city. What if the governor appointed somebody white? ... Would he appoint someone Irish to be the mayor?"

Wow. Breathtakingly stupid and tone-deaf. From one "I can't believe I just said that" person to another, how the fuck do you say that out loud? I'd like to meet the guys working in the local NAACP's communication department. I betcha they have fancy degrees from places like University of Phoenix and Walden University. Christ, what a bunch of fucking idiots.

But seriously, I'm wondering --- Can they really be that stupid? First, they have the facts of succession so horribly wrong that it leads you to believe that they were blinded by scoring some cheap political points. But that doesn't even make sense. It seems like a Hey, look at us! We're still here! type of thing. But as a Baltimore Sun editorial points out, for the NAACP to be talking how a black mayor is essential to running a majority black city 9 months after we elected a black president to run a majority white country...well I don't know, it just seems really stupid. That's not to say the NAACP is incapable of doing really stupid things, just that this seems really, really fucking stupid. Even for them.

Why Regulation Has Nothing To Do With Good Business

I'm not sure if anyone else noticed it, but yesterday afternoon the Internet as I know it (pornography and gambling websites) were hit hard by something. Various porn sites were experiencing outages and the one poker site that I use (with play money credits of course) was knocked out for the better part of a hour. It was ugly.

The problems with the poker site put me in a special kind of bind as not everyone at the tables I was playing at were disconnected, allowing the remaining players to take advantage of the situation. After about 30 minutes the site finally suspended tournaments until they did whatever they were able to do to fix the problem. This caused me and about 145,000 other people to lose money (uh, play money). I sent an e-mail requesting compensation as I'm sure thousands of other people did as well. Here's the thing -- they actually responded and told me to provide them with the exact table information (easily attainable) and they would follow through with compensation in the next few days. Good stuff. Try getting that out of an airline.

This is hardly the first time I've had to deal with this site's customer service in the past and each time they responded in a quick and courteous manner, usually handling the problem above my expectation. Again, good luck getting that from comcast or any other service company you deal with on a regular basis.

It's not hard to see why an online poker site would stress customer service and problem resolution. It's a business that operates on trust. Trust that has to be gained, as you can't touch the chips or see the dealers or floor managers. There also used to be a lot of competition online for your dollars (not so much now thanks to Congress) and the companies knew that players weren't tied down to a particular casino because of the location, you could play anywhere online. It was incentive to treat customers well.

Word travels fast online, and the integrity of an online gambling site is paramount to it's business. They know if they didn't take steps to ensure that integrity that they wouldn't stay in business for long. They don't need to be regulated by some fools in Washington (give it time, it will happen. The UIGEA was purely a stop-gap to give the feds time to figure out how to best go about taking their cut of the online action.) to treat their customers well. The incentive of staying in business works well enough.

And You Thought Obama Didn't Care About the Gays

Obama throws gays a bone:

President Obama plans to name an openly gay lawyer to serve as his ambassador to New Zealand and Samoa, administration officials said Wednesday evening. If confirmed by the Senate, the lawyer, David Huebner, would become the first openly gay ambassador in the Obama administration.

Ambassador to New Zealand. Prestigious shit.

Isn't it time to kiss and make up gay community? All those broken campaign promises are in the past. I know you've felt jilted, but look, he's doing his best to make up for it. We're talking about naming a gay lawyer to the ambassadorship of New Zealand people. This is big-time stuff. Forget gay marriage -- you have a seat at the table next time we have a dispute over sheep tariffs...or something.

Way to mend fences Obama.

Disclosure

I want to let all of our readers know that we take the recent FTC "pay-for-play" guidelines very seriously at TtP. So seriously that I'm going to pull away the curtain and reveal all of our corporate sponsors, whether we have written about them and/or their goods or not.

Here we go....


---The law firm on the right..Although, truthfully he isn't as much of a sponsor as a "creditor" to whom I owe lots of money from gambling and stripper related debts. So I'm not sure that counts...Can I get a ruling on that FTC?

[On a semi-related note -- If a cop happens to find you on the side of the BW Parkway passed out drunk in your car with your pants around your ankles and reeking of urine, give James Farmer a call. He's your man.]

---Capital One. The pay my hosting fees for me every month, and my annual domain renewal. They make it easy by giving me a card that I can charge the fees to and I can carry a balance on for a nominal financing charge of 17.5%. What a corporate sponsorship!

--Google. Does anyone else have free email for their blog?

--My employer. They generously subsidize hours of blogging a week month so that I can produce original content sentences. The hours donated literally represent ten's of dollars, if not hundreds, over the course of a year. Without them this blog wouldn't be possible.

There's probably more that I'm forgetting. I mean when you run such an influential blog your mailbox is stuffed full of products and checks. It's a real hassle.

Heard at a Bar

Said to me by semi-drunk/senile old man: You could be twin brother of this guy i know name David.

Me: Well, I don't have any brothers.

Old drunk/senile man: He lives with his mom in Carroll County and he's a developmental retard. It's hard for me to understand him. Obviously you aren't a retard (meaning me), but you have the same glasses, mustache, beard and glasses.

So count it folks. I'm a spitting image of a "developmental retard" named David. Good company.

Protecting the Pooches

Via City Paper's invaluable Councilmania (which details the coming and goings of the Baltimore City Council, a yeoman's job to say the least):

On the resolutions front, Conaway [ed-Councilwoman Belinda Conaway] introduced 09-0150R Police Actions--Treatment of Dogs, which asks Baltimore Police Commissioner Frederick Bealefeld to tell the council what happens to dogs residing at a house when cops are called to the address, whether it be a call for assistance, an arrest warrant, or a drug raid.

Of course it doesn't do anything to stop the dangerous raids from happening, or dogs (or worse living, breathing people) from being shot. But it's a nice gesture I suppose.

(We are however, talking about *a police department that doesn't release the name of officers who shoot citizens. So good luck on getting them to release information about dogs involved in raids.)

*Mind you that same policy doesn't doesn't apply when it is a citizen involved in a shooting (or slashing)of an accused criminal intruder. Apparently they don't worry about retribution crimes...unless it's a cop who could be the victim.

Murky Indeed

A great piece over the weekend by the Sun's crime reporter Peter Hermann on the shadowy world of criminal informants. We're talking about criminal informants in Baltimore because of this BPD Detective who was detailed to the DEA and was recently indicted for all doing all kinds of illegal things that a cop shouldn't do.

Today's Winner....

for obvious headline -- "Pet Bear Kills Pennsylvania Woman".

P.S. Who knew we had a Bears tag?

National Science Foundation Bogged Down in Pornography Investigations

Washington Times:

Employee misconduct investigations, often involving workers accessing pornography from their government computers, grew sixfold last year inside the taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants, according to budget documents and other records obtained by The Washington Times.

The problems at the National Science Foundation (NSF) were so pervasive they swamped the agency's inspector general and forced the internal watchdog to cut back on its primary mission of investigating grant fraud and recovering misspent tax dollars.

Humm...Really? What exactly occurs during these "investigations" of misconduct? I mean this isn't like the CSI of workplace porn or something. Buy some software to block pornography sites for christ's sake. You don't need to understand the motivations of why someone is looking at porn at work. I can do that for free for you: BECAUSE THEY CAN.

To manage this dramatic increase without an increase in staff required us to significantly reduce our efforts to investigate grant fraud," the inspector general recently told Congress in a budget request. "We anticipate a significant decline in investigative recoveries and prosecutions in coming years as a direct result."

This whole thing sounds like a smoke screen for the foundation's own failure to uncover grant fraud. Or just a another way of asking for more money from taxpayers.

I'm not buying this. I can't view any website that even mentions a money line for a football game at work, let alone an actual gambling site, and the guys in charge over at the NSF can't figure out a way to stop this guy?

For instance, one senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer and chatting online with nude or partially clad women without being detected, the records show.

When finally caught, the NSF official retired. He even offered, among other explanations, a humanitarian defense, suggesting that he frequented the porn sites to provide a living to the poor overseas women. Investigators put the cost to taxpayers of the senior official's porn surfing at between $13,800 and about $58,000.

Full article here. Well worth a read. And if they must expand on their Porn Investigation Unit I'd like to go ahead and offer up my services for a job. I'm like a human porn hound the way I can sniff it out.

Cop Steals In Baltimore. Today's Other Surprising News, Rob Was Drunk Last Night.

Par for the course in our fair city. Baltimore Detective who was detailed to a DEA task force was charged in federal court with lying and embezzlement. City Paper details the charges:

According to the criminal complaint and search warrant for Lunsford's Sykesville home, his DEA work space, and his official vehicle, filed by U.S. Attorney Jonathan Biran and based on a 16-page affidavit written by FBI special agent Brian Fitzell, the case against Lunsford began in June as a result of information developed from a "confidential human source" that Lunsford was handling in the course of doing DEA investigations. That source provided the FBI with "information regarding the criminal conduct of Lunsford to include Lunsford's theft of clothing and jewelry from crime scenes (including searches and arrests) and Lunsford's receiving 'kickbacks' of source payment money,"according to Fitzell's affidavit. As recently as Sept. 22, the day the charges were filed, the affidavit says, Lunsford was observed participating in such a "kickback," in which the source he handled was paid, but then later split the proceeds with Lunsford. Items Lunsford allegedly stole include watches, clothing, and Playstation video games.

What can you say? Seems like every couple weeks another one of these stories breaks in Baltimore. This one is particularly stinky because it involves a corrupt relationship between drug informants and police. I would hope that the US attorney in Baltimore takes the time to review all cases involving Lunsford and his sources.

Baltimore Police: Preventing Spatula Crimes Before They Can Happen

In the wrong hands a spatula can be quite deadly. Just ask the poor guy that the BPD shot:

City police responding to a call for a possibly suicidal person shot a man early Wednesday in Northeast Baltimore after he waved what appeared to be an edged weapon at officers, but it turned out to be a spatula, according to department officials.

Lesson Learned Fellas

That lesson being -- If you are going to have sex with a drunk 18 year old college freshman in a bathroom stall, be sure to film it on your cellphone.

More on a date rape that wasn't at Hofstra University:

NEW YORK — The police were looking for him.

Then the man Nassau County, N.Y., police said they’d identified as the fifth suspect in an alleged gang rape at Hofstra University on Long Island shared a crucial piece of evidence with the family of another suspect.

A cell-phone video. It was just five minutes and 58 seconds of grainy footage from a public men’s bathroom in a college dormitory, according to a defense attorney for one of the four men who was later charged. It did not show the entire incident, the attorneys acknowledge.

Read the whole article, it's pretty troubling if you're the type of guy who is having consensual drunk sex in bathroom stalls and/or regularly participating in group sex with emotionally unstable females. So more or less all my friends who read this blog.

The short version of the story --- A Hofstra co-ed had drunk group sex in a bathroom stall. The next morning she claims she was raped in a lurid manner involving her being tricked into a bathroom and then tied to a toilet while being assaulted. People get angry, suspects are arrested, a press conference is held. A couple days later while searching for a missing suspect the cellphone video turns up, showing nothing more than a dirty girl in a dirty situation. Charges were dropped against the equally dirty young men.

What I didn't see in the article was anything about pending charges against the lady who falsely accused. One can only hope that charges are soon to follow.

More at doublex.

His Mom Must Be So Proud

Me personally? I support things like ponies, unicorns and popcorn. This guy on the otherhand...

Kent Scheidegger, legal director of the Criminal Justice Legal Foundation, which supports the death penalty, said problems with veins were inevitable in lethal injection by IV.

Mr. Scheidegger said he favored execution methods involving intramuscular injection or a return to gas chambers, but with a poison other than cyanide, which was long under attack because of the suffering it can inflict.

What a ghoulish fuck this guy is.

Read the whole article on the botched execution in Ohio, which happens to be their third in 3 years. Jeez, I can only imagine what the DMV is like in Ohio...

Via Radley.

So...Is This An Ad for Craigslist?

Down in the Great Cesspool that is Florida, the Polk County Sheriff confirms what many of us have known for quite a while now. That is, if you are looking to have sex with a better-than-average looking pregnant prostitute, then craigslist is the place to go. Here's the story:

The Polk Sheriff County Sheriff's Office launched a sting over the weekend called Operation Hot Date. Undercover detectives arrested 34 people, including alleged prostitutes and their pimps who were advertising on Craigslist. They came to Polk from Tampa, Orlando, and out the state.

At a press conference on Monday, Sheriff Grady Judd called Craigslist a one-stop shop for all your prostitution needs.

"This is a public health issue. We know historically that prostitutes spread HIV and AIDS," Judd said.

Lets get one thing out of the way before we go where we all know this is going (the mugshots). I've spent time in Florida. Lots of time. I've had sex in Florida. Specifically, sex that I didn't have to pay for. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Prostitutes spreading diseases are the least of your worries. Avoiding a STD while spending any amount of significant time in Florida would be like trying to stay dry on the Titanic. Futile effort. Doesn't matter who you are fucking. Trust me on this one.

Now for the pictures...Which gets me back to original thrust of this post. There are some decent looking hookers in the bunch selling their services for some pretty fair prices. I'm not sure this is anything but an advertisement for the marketplace of craigslist. From The Smoking Gun:

SEPTEMBER 15--Charging that Craigslist remains a "one-stop shop for all your prostitution needs," a Florida sheriff yesterday announced the arrest of 28 women who allegedly advertised sexual services on the popular online classifieds site. Dubbed "Operation Hot Date," the undercover police action also netted several pimps who worked with the alleged hookers, said Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd. The women, pictured in the mug shots on the following pages, offered a variety of sexual acts carrying prices between $125 and $800. Two of the alleged hookers who arrived for appointments with undercover officers were pregnant, and a third arrived with fur-lined handcuffs.

The first page of mugshots is definitely the cream of the crop with page 3 not far behind. I'm not saying any of these ladies will be crowned Queen Nicotina at the local county fair, but it's still an impressive field all things considered.

P.S. I've covered the lunacy of the War on Craigslist with a more (relatively speaking) serious tone here. Click on the craigslist label for even more craigslist goodness.