Senator Bow Chicka Wow?

Former senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards is doing relief work in Haiti right now in a fairly obvious attempt at rehabilitating his name, i.e., get good press. Well, work hard senator.

Gawker reports that Edwards made a sex tape with the mistress that he knocked up:

Sources have told us that, in the throes of their affair, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape that contains "several sex acts." And that his aide, Andrew Young found it on an unmarked DVD.

The tape, say both our sources, is explicit and reveals that Edwards "is physically very striking, in a certain area. Everyone who sees it says 'whoa'. She's behind the camera at first."

And that is of course just the thing you want to leave lying around if you are running of the United States. Even Bill Clinton is shaking his head and saying, "Fucking amateur ..."

If it sounds like I am taking an unseemly delight in Edwards' troubles it is because I am. He is a lying, sleazy, narcissistic scumbag whose champion of the downtrodden pose is complete pr bullshit. I don't have the slightest doubt that he would not be in Haiti if there were not reporters and cameras to see him. And yet twice, if history had been slightly different, he would have gotten in the White House. What a country.

Quiet Fade Into Obscurity Or Flaming Death Spiral?

As far as John Edwards' once-promising political career goes, the answer appears to be the latter. In fact, it is now achieving Lindsay Lohan-levels of self-destruction.

Cheating on your cancer-stricken wife is bad; knocking up your mistress is worse; creating an elaborate cover-up to keep said career alive is Nixonian; but having to admit that your earlier emotional mea culpa was an elaborate lie is in a class all by itself:

[A] federal grand jury in nearby Raleigh is investigating whether any crimes were committed in connection with campaign laws in an effort to conceal his extramarital affair with a woman named Rielle Hunter. At the same time, Mr. Edwards is moving toward an abrupt reversal in his public posture; associates said in interviews that he is considering declaring that he is the father of Ms. Hunter’s 19-month-old daughter, something that he once flatly asserted in a television interview was not possible.

Yes, I am gloating because, fuck it, it's fun.

This detail, also from the New York Times' Sunday story about Edwards linked above, has already been blogged in a couple of places, but c'mon, it's a beaut:

Mr. Young says that he assisted the affair by setting up private meetings between Mr. Edwards and Ms. Hunter. He wrote that Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.(Emphasis added.)

This is as good of a time as any to point out that Edwards's pose as champion of the poor and downtrodden was bullshit too.

How Not To Conduct An Affair If You Are A Politician

Do not talk about your two mistresses and your new spanking fetish into an open mike, especially if one of the women is involved in lobbying the committee that you are on.

Dillinger Packed A Big Gun

The new Johnny Depp movie about the notorious 1930's bank robber John Dillinger is as good an excuse as TtP will ever get to post the above classic photo of the late hoodlum experiencing some serious rigor mortis.

Thanks to the website Awkward Boners for the pic. Yes, it is a broad, deep well that TtP takes inspiration from.

By the way, also worth putting on your netflix cue is this earlier version of the Dillinger story.

Oops

Republican Senator from Neveda admits to an affair with staffer:

Sen. John Ensign acknowledged Tuesday that he had an affair with a campaign staffer - an admission that stunned his colleagues, hurt his chances for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination and called into question his future as a leader of the Senate GOP.

The Nevada Republican admitted in Las Vegas Tuesday that he had "violated the vows" of marriage by having an affair with a staffer. He did not identify the woman except to say that she and her husband were both "close friends" who worked for him, and that "the closeness" of their relationship had "put me in situations which led to my inappropriate behavior."

I want to take the opportunity to release my own statement addressing some regrettable behaviour of my own. I know rumors have been circulating, so I'd like to come clean.

"Yes, I dry-humped a co-worker who was a close friend and that closeness of our relationship put us in close situations where dry-humping was possible. I regret that she had second thoughts before I was able to get off her pants. The rug-burn on my penis is also regrettable. The inappropriate behavior was not so regrettable; but I am aware that I look like a horses-ass for dry-humping a 34 year old woman. For that I kind of regret the whole situations, but would most likely do it again. Who am I kidding -- I'd definitely do it again"

I Make My Hookers Talk Foreign Policy

Phone sex at the State Department:

Journalists seeking to talk a little foreign policy with high-profile Obama administration officials live from the G20 meetings in London this week were solicited for phone sex instead after ringing up the toll-free number given by the White House.

In a press release, the White House accidentally listed a sex line number for journalists seeking an "on-the-record briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Advisor Jim Jones to discuss the NATO summit."

But after dialing, a soft-voiced female recording that was clearly not Clinton asked for a credit card number if you "feel like getting nasty."

This actually happens a lot; making you realize how many phone sex lines there are. I've been part of at least one direct mailing for my day job that made this exact mistake as part of a 20,000 piece mailing.

The first call you get informing you of the mistake is priceless. Then shear panic ripples through the office as everyone struggles to find someone else to pin the blame on. Livens up a week.

Never Miss Another Hot Teacher/Teenage Boy Story Again!

We here at TtP work hard to make this a quality blog. It is our intention, for example, to bring to your attention every story involving teachers getting it on with their students that we come across.

We do overlook some of them though. This blog is just a sideline for Rob and myself and we can't devote all of our time to it. Speaking for myself, my day job of producing and directing bumfight videos keeps me pretty busy. (And yet the Motion Picture Academy keeps ignoring me every Oscars ...)

Luckily, I've come a cross a SFW website devoted solely to keeping track of student-teacher sex, badbadteacher.com. A real labor of love for its owner, it is exhaustive and constantly updated.

There you can read about Shannon Hrozek, for example, a Houston teacher caught going down on a 16 year-old student by her principal. We highlighted her case before because she was "the third Spring ISD teacher charged with having sex with a student in the last four months."

They've updated the story several times since then including charges that Hrozek was involved with another teenage boy. They have missed the latest update from the local ABC station though, her rather novel defense:

[Hrozek] had taken the stand to tell the jury face to face her version of what happened. She spent most of the time on the stand explaining that she had passed out and she doesn't remember anything, and that she was in a heavy sleep at the time the alleged assault happened.

Hrozek told the jury she takes at least five different types of medications for anxiety, depression and attention deficit disorder. Her attorney, Katherine Scardino, showed the jury the pill bottles. Because she was on medication, Hrozek testified, she passed out and does not remember the alleged sexual encounter with her 16-year-old male student in January 2008 at Westfield High School.

In other words, she was giving a blowjob in her sleep. This raises two obvious questions: what was the medicinal concoction she was taking and are the components available over the counter? 'Cause otherwise I've gotta go back to med school. And I don't wanna do that now 'cause I'm this close to signing a contract with ESPN10 for "Wednesday Night Skidrow Action."

Everybody Loves A Quarter-Pounder At The Golden Arches

People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently had a Superbowl ad rejected for being too racy. According to the L.A. Times, PETA "refused to remove shots including models licking pumpkin, rubbing pelvic regions with pumpkin and rubbing asparagus on their breasts". PETA responded with their usual did-they-replace-the-protein-in-their-diet-with-crack? hyperbole, claiming that all the ad did was:

drive home the fact that vegetarians make better lovers. And I'm pretty sure that most Super Bowl fans would find the ad a lot more appealing than the impotence and other not-so-sexy effects that a steady stream of chicken wings and burgers can have on their love lives.

Why so grouchy NBC? Sounds like someone’s not getting enough um…vegetables. I’m thinking network execs could really benefit from a broccoli booty call.

Liars. As this Slate article points out, while vegetarians are generally more health-conscious and therefore fitter, this has nothing per se to do with giving up meat. It just means exercising more, eating more fiber, etc, makes you have better sex. Duh.

In fact there are several studies that show that giving up meat means you lose interest in meat -- yours or anyone else's:

Vegetarian diets tend to correlate with higher rates of zinc deficiency, which is closely associated with lower testosterone levels and depressed sex drives. Vegetarian women are also more likely to develop amenorrhea (loss of periods), a condition that's usually accompanied by low testosterone, vaginal dryness, and poor libido. Finally, the notion that overweight people are less sexually active isn't entirely accurate (for women, at least): A recent analysis published in the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology shows that overweight women might, in fact, be slightly more active.

Sorry, PETA, but when people want meat, they want meat.

Whiskey Dick is All In Your Head

Obviously these scientist never tried to have sex wearing a condom with the women that I fuck, AND after 15 drinks. Alcohol may help you charge up the hill with some overweight drunken slop, but it certainly doesn't help you finish.

Men who worry about the effect drinking has on their sex life should raise a glass to the latest research.
Alcohol actually improves rather than damages male performance in the bedroom, it is claimed.
Until now it has been widely believed that alcohol consumption can cause erectile dysfunction, or 'brewer's droop'.

Full story here.

Racoons, Super Bowls, Hookers. It's a Mixed Bag

Tampa cop:

"The sun rises in the east, and hookers come into town during Super Bowl," said Capt. Bret Bartlett."

More words of wisdom:

He says the main difference since the last time Tampa hosted the Super Bowl is the internet. Super Bowl escort ads are all over the world wide web, with tag lines like, "Hello Tampa, I just got in town" and another site offering "Super Bowl specials." Bartlett says the extra advertising only makes things worse.

"You can go to Craig's List right now and get somebody to fix a roof and [also] find out where hookers will be here in Tampa," he said.

Spoken like a man who knows his stuff. Which reminds me -- I have some plumbing issues, and I'd like a blow job from a post-op tranny. Cragislist here I come!

The crack down on "sex crimes" during the Super Bowl could be worse; so fear not Super Bowl strip club attendees, the 6ft rule will not be rigorously enforced:

Strippers are also headed to the Bay Area for the Super Bowl. The big question is if officers will enforce the law requiring dancers stay six feet away from patrons. The last time the game came to town it was enforced. This time it appears as if it will not be as big of a deal.

"Public safety will be the priority over strip clubs, the six foot rule, and other adult business related offenses," said Andrea Davis with the Tampa Police Department.

Question: Should I attempt to have sex with a raccoon?

Answer: Not if you like having a penis.

Is this story real? We report, you decide:

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Convenient:

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - A last-minute case of amnesia delayed sentencing for a senior citizen who molested children at a treasure coast daycare.

Aureliano Garcia-Campo agreed to a plea deal several weeks ago, but Tuesday morning in court he told a judge he didn't remember anything.

It's that simple?

Hold Off On that Bailout

Sex is still selling:

Point-and-shoot cameras, CDs and fancy woven handbags may languish on store shelves. But women like Ms. Weller, a nurse from Frederick, Md., are willing to splurge, spending as much as $100 or more for a pulsing rubber duckie or bath sponge, a vibrating bullet or lipstick tube. Their fascination with such battery-operated novelties is rendering luxury sex toys a thriving sector in an otherwise listless economy. [...]

Even in a lingering recession, “sex will always sell,” said Analena Graham, an owner of Dascha, where cone-shaped vibrators and jewel-tone fur ticklers are showcased alongside made-to-order corsets and aromatic oils. “You might tell yourself, ‘I can do without that $400 sweater,’ ” Ms. Graham went on, “ ‘but I would still like to have that rechargeable vibrator.’ ”

Also popular are pulsing cigars that turn into pendants, and pearl wrist restraints that double as necklaces. People are paying as much as $250 for similarly kinky designs, said Robyn Goodman, chief of American operations for Myla, a British-owned boutique chain and Web site. “They don’t feel like they’re getting a bit of smut,” Ms. Goodman said. “They feel like they acquiring a very boudoir-style, high-end luxury.”

Perhaps it is just me living in my frigid, conservative world; but I think that when you are spending $200-450 on vibrators you may not be feeling the Great Recession of '08-'09. in fact, you are probably a single women in your 30's with no dependents other than a few cats. Nothing wrong with that, I personally like desperate middle aged women, but none-the-less you probably aren't hit hard by a weakening economy.

Full story here.

Hazzah! The Election is Over!

Now back to 24/7 unadulterated prostitution posting -- Craigslist to begin requiring credit card information for erotic services ads. Gawker:

It's becoming a real hassle to offer sex for money on Craigslist, apparently. At first sex workers just had to think up a euphemism for prostitution, like "FULL EROTIC EXAMINATION" or "naughty sweet treat" or the cryptic "GFE" or the almost sweet "delightful relaxing time." Then, earlier this year, they had to have a working phone number, and listings dropped 80 percent. Now, under pressure from attorneys general in 40 states, Craigslist is going to require "erotic services" providers to pony up $10 for each listing, and pay with a credit card, which the police will be able to subpoena.

I could go off on how bad this is for the women who will now have to find a much more dangerous marketplace to sell their services; but everyone reading this here all ready knows this. I could go on about how I accidentally clicked through a couple of the craigslist ads in the Gawker post and that I might need to find a new job soon -- but at this point you're probably wondering how I manage to keep a job for more than 6 months, no matter my recent craigslist clicks with my everyday browsing/drinking habits.

What I really wanted to point out however, is that one of my roommates recently bought a pair of skis off of craigslist and my first reaction was "where do you find skis on craigslist?"

Bumpersticker Of The Day

Department of Schadenfreude

It appears that Elizabeth Edwards has kicked John Edwards out of the house:

"The wedding band is missing," the Washington Post reported yesterday after covering a speech the cancer-stricken mother of two gave in DC on Monday night. Edwards, the former North Carolina senator who ran for president twice, finally acknowledged three months ago that he had an affair with campaign videographer Rielle Hunter. He denies he's the father of Hunter's baby girl, although he has been spotted visiting mother and child. A source said Edwards is no longer living with Elizabeth and that the couple have separated. But reps for Elizabeth Edwards did not return calls and e-mails.

How To Arouse the Voters' Interest

Kudos to candidate Zane Starkewolf for coming up with a robo-call that you ordinary would have to pay $2.99 a minute to hear:

NAPA COUNTY (CBS13) ― A local congressional contest took a racy turn when an "enthusiastic" staffer recorded a robo-call that attracted an unusual amount of attention.

The robo-call went out on behalf of Republican challenger Zane Starkewolf starting Sunday, but was pulled by Monday. A female voice begins the message by saying "Mike Thompson has been a bad boy," in risqué tones.

Mike Thompson, Starkewolf's opponent, is the incumbent Democrat Congressmen representing the District 1 seat, which comprises the Sonoma, Napa and Yolo County regions.

***

"We all said no to the bail out," the voice message continues, "but Thompson backed Bush, just like he did with the Patriot Act."

"Uhh, vote Yes! for Zane," the message concludes.

Read the whole story here.

Sex Crime Friday Links

Gary Glitter is running out of South East Asian countries to call home. Gee...I wonder why he doesn't want to leave?

Glitter faces detention after refusing to board flight from Thailand

Disgraced former glam rock star demands to be allowed to stay in Thailand after deportation from Vietnam

The disgraced former glam rocker Gary Glitter could find himself behind bars again after refusing to board a flight to London following his deportation from Vietnam after serving a jail sentence for sexually abusing children.

The 64-year-old, whose real name is Paul Gadd, today remained in the transit lounge of Bangkok airport, where he had been due to change planes, but will be transferred to a detention centre if he continues to thwart efforts to send him back to the UK

Could Glitter be anymore obvious about wanting to have sex with little asian children? At least try to pretend like you aren't so eager to stay in countries that are pretty much only known for being an easy place to score pre-teen tail. Instead of trying to only go to Cambodia, Singapore and Thailand after being expelled from Vietnam after Gary already served a prison sentence for molesting 2 little girls; he should throw in at least one country that isn't noted for its pedophilia tourism. I dunno, like a Canada. Or Iceland.

Why you never trust ice cream truck drivers or men who coach sports teams who don't have a kid on the team -- Ice cream man pleads guilty to sex crimes:

There are disturbing new details about a man who pleaded guilty to a sex crime. According to an arrest report, back in March, an ice cream truck driver lured a mentally challenged 16-year-old boy with the promise of free ice cream.

Detectives say that's when Ibrahim Alsmadi touched the teen and forced the teen to touch him. Last week, Alsmadi pleaded guilty to open or gross lewdness. He still would've been selling ice cream to kids had city leaders not stepped in.

Not really a sex crime..But it's a crime in Dubai and it involves sex. Close enough.

A BUSINESSMAN accused of having sex on a Dubai beach with a fellow Brit claims they were only kissing.

Father-of-one, Vince Acors, 34, of Homesdale Road, Bromley, appeared before Dubai's Court of First Instance last Tuesday with sales rep Michelle Palmer, 36, in a hearing brought forward from August 21 to avoid intense media attention. Police allegedly caught the pair having sex on Jumeirah Open Beach, on July 5 this year and charged them with having an illicit affair, performing an indecent act in public and consuming alcohol.

The duo face up to six years in jail in the Islamic city if found guilty.

Yet one more reason why I will never step foot in Dubai. No booze, no sex and no drugs. Sounds like a great time.

9. He Blogs Less

Fox News -- We Report, You Decide: FOXSexpert: 8 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Porn:

Many people are completely in the dark that their partner likes porn, much less has a serious relationship with it. Ignorant as to any issue, they trust their lover unconditionally. They assume their partner understands that using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair. This ignorance, combined with the great lengths to which a porn enthusiast will go to hide erotica, can leave a partner in the dark for months or even years.

Guys, take a piece of advice from me -- Throw your porn in your girls face. Don't give her a choice. You're a man, a man that likes to watch a rooster get fucked by a German Frau with a strap-on. Don't let her tell you that it's "weird" or "disgusting", or totally "inappropriate" to watch on the train. After all, she'll be gone in a few months, but the German chick and the rooster? They will always be there for you..

Now, on to the "8 Signs that You're a Fat Cow and You're Husband Would Rather Watch Teeny Porn Instead of Fucking You":

2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.

You’re noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch. If you have sex, it’s because you are the one initiating it. Your partner is having trouble becoming sexually aroused (for example, achieving erection or having an orgasm).

Furthermore, your partner needs more and more stimulation to get turned on and release. He has developed a strong interest in sexual practices that seem a little out of left field. No matter what, both of you are feeling largely dissatisfied post-sex.

3. Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.

You’re feeling pressured to engage in sexual activities that are either physically or emotionally uncomfortable to you. Your partner is using atypical sexual language. He seems to be objectifying you and he has no qualms about it.

I'd like to know what this Sexpert considers a "little out of left field". Something tells me her left field is around my pitchers mound. Or home plate. Either way, it's interesting that if a guy talks a little dirty to his partner, wants to love her good and hard, and maybe wants a dildo up the ass every other Saturday that he should be considered a candidate for a porn addiction. Because that just sounds like a healthy sex life to me.

More:

7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.

He spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, often demanding privacy and/or changing his bedtime ritual. As a result, he has eye problems from spending long hours on the computer. He may also complain of back, wrist, neck or shoulder pain.

Uh..Timeout for a Rob moment here. Sweetie? Yeah...You know how I spend a lot of time on the internet and complain about back and neck pain? That has nothing to do with porn. It's all research for my blog. Political stuff that you just wouldn't get...

In conclusion:

If there is a problem, it will surface sooner or later. Whether a partner finds actual evidence, the user confesses, or somebody else – unintentionally or not – spills the beans, the one who has been wronged finally realizes what she’s dealing with. It is a horrible, powerful experience that rocks one to the core. Stunned, overwhelmed and confused, many do not know what to do. The longer and more intimate the relationship, the harder it is to process this news.

Can I add one more sign that your partner is watching a lot of porn? You're reading FoxNews.com for relationship advice.

Full article here. Semi-related porn story that makes me want to serve jury duty here.

Once You Get Over This, The Rest Of The Week Is Easy

From the Melbourne Community News.

N-Word Rises From Its Grave, Seeks Revenge Against Mayor Kilpatrick

Remember when America's favorite scandal-ridden mayor; who along with the NAACP buried the N-word in the summer of '07, complete with a funeral and eulogies? I sure do. At the time I thought burying a word was quite possibly the stupidest idea ever, especially when young black males are actually being buried at a rate 4-5x higher than their white peers. That small fact might point to real issues that directly affect the black community and need to be addressed, instead of symbolically burying a word for the mere purpose of grabbing a few headlines.

Well, it would seem Mayor Kilpatrick didn't bury the word soon enough. According to sordid text messages between Detroit's Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his mistress, (aka Chief of Staff) back in 2002-2003 Kilpatrick used the word nigger in -- what I'm sure he would call -- an affectionate manner in reference to his mistress Christine Beatty. From CBS News, discussing the recent release of damaging text messages that are at the heart of multiple scandals that have plagued the mayor, and now led to his indictment on a whole list of offenses including perjury.

The sometimes graphic excerpts include the frequent use of the N-word, or derivatives of it, as a term of endearment.

On Sept. 15, 2002, Beatty described a sex act she wanted to perform on the mayor but said she didn't know how to ask him to let her do it. He replied: "Next time, just tell me to sit down, shut up and do your thing!"

Later that month, the pair appeared to arrange a sexual encounter in Beatty's office. On Sept. 19, 2002, Beatty wrote to Kilpatrick: "I have wanted to hold you so badly all day, but I was trying to stay focused on work. So, I promise, not to keep you longer than 15 minutes."

Kilpatrick replied: "Don't promise (N-word.)"

Beatty said: "I'm in my office. Do you want me to come to yours or you coming to mine?"

Kilpatrick said: "I'm coming down there ... LOL ditto. Freaky Chris!"

I see your LOL Mayor, and raise you a LMAO...

Kilpatrick allegedly has lied under oath, illegally fired police officers as part of the cover-up, and misused city dollars. So there are a lot of more important matters at stake here than just the simple hypocrisy over the use of nigger, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't pay any attention to yet one more example of what seems to be part of a every politician's oath: Do as I say, not as I do.

Full story here. Comprehensive archive of the Mayor's scandal here.

NY Gov Can't Stop Confessing

Look, I reflexively love any guy who cheats on his wife, does blow, and smokes pot. Fun guy to be around. Perhaps though, if you are a governor of a major American state, and not a blogger at a pathetically low-brow blog, you might want to keep some of your behaviors, past or present, to yourself.
ABC News:

New York's new governor, who disclosed last week that he and his wife both committed adultery several years ago, said Monday that he used cocaine in his 20s and smoked marijuana when he was younger. In reference to cocaine, Gov. David Paterson, 53, said in a television interview that he "tried it a couple of times" when he was "about 22 or 23." "And marijuana probably when I was about 20," he said on the NY1 cable news station. "I don't think I touched marijuana since the '70s."

Any guesses on what confessions we get next from Paterson?

Wear A Condom, Go To Hell

I'm a bit late (ok, two weeks late) in addressing this, but I've been recovering from a flu that I caught while recovering from tonsillitis.

Anyway, the Vatican decided that only seven deadly sins just didn't cut it anymore in this modern world, so they added some more. A taste of the new sins:

Drug pushers, the obscenely rich, environmental polluters and “manipulative” genetic scientists beware – you may be in danger of losing your mortal soul unless you repent.

Subjective as hell, no doubt about it. And this is only the first paragraph of the article. Is the doctor who recently sold me pain killers a "drug pusher?" Are you "obscenely rich" if you own a building like this? Do all cows necessarily go to hell?

However, these first few paragraphs are really just textual masturbation (and don't even get the Vatican started on that), because I'm yet to even mention that part that pisses me off the most:

[The Catholic Church] holds mortal sins to be “grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes”, including murder, contraception, abortion, perjury, adultery and lust.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that “immediately after death the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell”.

Murder, adultery, lust... same ol' shit... already covered by the commandments. Perjury... yeah, ok, if you insist. There are plenty of situations in which abortion is perfectly justified, but I will admit I'm personally uncomfortable morally with terminating a pregnancy for a parent's
convenience only, even though I think it's none of the government's or the Vatican's business.

But, contraception? No shit???

First of all, if the Vatican wants to take such an absolute stance against abortion under any circumstances, isn't it just plain counterproductive to oppose slipping on a condom? If abortion is murder unconditionally, wouldn't it make sense to encourage taking a daily pill to prevent an unwanted pregnancy that might otherwise lead to abortion? If you're going to insist that terminating a fetus or a zygote is the equivalent of slaying a human being, wouldn't you prefer letting some sperm cells die instead?

And while the Vatican is addressing the subject of new-age sins, what do they think of encouraging the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases? An organization that considers itself an authority on morality should definitely support the efforts consenting adults, or even consenting minors, in preventing diseases, neglected babies and, yes, unnecessary abortions.

I guess the rationale of the Catholic Church is similar to that of the Bush administration: your options are abstinence or abstinence. But it simply doesn't work that way, and both the Church and the administration should know better.

I guess the Catholic Church, in which I was raised, will just have to deal with my soul being eternally damned. If everyone who puts on a condom or takes a birth control pill is going to hell, I will have good company down there. For you other contraception users out there, call my hell-cell and we'll meet up for a few drinks or lines.

Texas Court Overturns Sex Toy Ban

It is hard to believe that sex toys are illegal anywhere in the US but they were in Texas before this ruling and still are in Alabama, Mississippi and somewhat in Virginia.

The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Texas law making it illegal to sell or promote obscene devices, punishable by up to two years in jail, violated the Constitution's 14th Amendment on the right to privacy.

"Just as in Lawrence, the state here wants to use its laws to enforce a public moral code by restricting private intimate conduct," the appeals judges wrote. "The case is not about public sex. It is not about controlling commerce in sex. It is about controlling what people do in the privacy of their own homes because the state is morally opposed to a certain type of consensual private intimate conduct. This is an insufficient justification after Lawrence."

Amen and thank you to Lambda Legal for funding, trying and winning Lawrence. Now Texan law enforcement can stop devoting resources to arresting housewives who host alternative Tupperware parties.

School Hires 34 Year Old Former Stripper at Minumum Wage; Stripper Does Her Part for Predictable Ending

And I thought TtP's hiring policies were lenient:

A special-education aide at Highlands Senior High School resigned under pressure yesterday and faces possible drug and corruption of minors charges for a hotel party involving high school teenagers.

New Kensington police said they found suspected crack cocaine, empty beer cans and used condoms in a room that Abbiejane Swogger, 34, of Harrison, shared with minors Thursday night at New Kensington's Clarion Hotel. The room contained drug paraphernalia and a marijuana odor when officers arrived just before noon on Friday to follow up on reports of missing teens, said Detective Dennis Marsili.[...]

The one-time exotic dancer worked since September for the school district at a job paying minimum wage or slightly above. At the time Ms. Swogger was hired, the school district had no drug-testing policy for employees at her level, Dr. Galcik said. The school board later expanded its policy to require such testing in January for new employees, she said.

Drug testing? I'm not sure preventing casual pot smokers from teaching will accomplish much in the way of preventing pedophilia.

How about whore testing? That would be a more effective policy to stop the hiring of middle-aged whores as teachers. You can take this as a formal offer of my services Westmoreland County. Not to brag but I'm like a human lie-detector machine. Only I detect whoreness. It's a complicated process where I see if the women in question will go home with me. Never fails.

More:

Ms. Swogger says she rented a hotel room to socialize and drink beer with adult acquaintances, but teenage friends of her son showed up and refused to leave. She maintained yesterday that she knew nothing about drugs in the room and did not give the teens any beer.

"I think if they drank, I would have known about it," she said, adding that she unsuccessfully urged the two girls to leave.

Ms. Swogger also said she did not have sex with any of the young people present. They may have had sex with one another, she said, but did so "discreetly."

That's a good excuse...They might have had sex in the same room as me, but if they did so, they were 'discreet' about it. I'll have to tuck that one away for further use. Like this Saturday. Me: "Officer, there may have been a dozen or so street walkers shooting heroin while blowing me in the bathroom. But if they did, they were discreet about it. Now, am I free to go back to more discreet prostitutes that may or may not be in my bedroom?

Full story here, with a hitable picture of the former teacher in question.

ACLU Gets It Right... But Could Say It Better

My knowledge of law and legal precedent is slim, but this rationale from the ACLU in support of Larry Craig (which is allegedly based on Supreme Court precedent) sounds fishy:

The ACLU filed a brief Tuesday supporting Craig. It cited a Minnesota Supreme Court ruling 38 years ago that found that people who have sex in closed stalls in public restrooms "have a reasonable expectation of privacy."

That means the state cannot prove Craig was inviting the undercover officer to have sex in public, the ACLU wrote.

Even if Craig was inviting the officer to have sex, the ACLU argued, his actions would not be illegal.

I know a little more about sex than law, although not much more, unless the single-participant type counts. Practically, however, I find it hard to fathom that it's possible to expect privacy when having sex in a public bathroom. I guess it's possible in some cases, but considering the two or more sets of feet beneath the divider and the potential for noises not related to relieving oneself, I find it hard to believe that such sex would go unnoticed.

That said, I agree with the last sentence of the above quote, although I suspect it's for a different reason. I view it as entrapment that a police officer is allowed to cocktease in a public restroom with the intent of making an arrest, much like I view officers dressing as prostitutes and hitting the streets as entrapment. What gives the police the authority to set up such a sting for voluntary behavior?

Even if we assume that sex in a public restroom should be a criminal offense (which I do not necessarily believe), how could the police prove that the signals indicate an intent to have sex in that restroom? How can they prove that the foot tapper doesn't instead intend to exchange phone numbers and meet up for sex in private?

It's possible there could be some grounds for civil action between two non-police parties, but that sounds like something more complex than I'm capable or willing to address.

If anyone can provide more details about the Supreme Court precedent in the comments, I'd appreciate it. I did some quick Google and ACLU.org searches but came up empty handed.

Sometimes Making a Sex Tape is Not Such a Good Idea

Malaysian Health Minister, Chua Soi Lek, was forced to resign after a sex tape depicted him and another women preforming the dirty deed was widely circulated in his home state the BBC reports. The videos were made in a hotel suite without Lek's knowledge or so he says.

Well actually it was not a tape, but a DVD. It is important to get a clear picture for such a production when I am sure it was done on a tight budget. Three cheers for the distributer, but next time lets hope for an international release.

When Humping Your Bicycle is Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Hump Bicycles

The biggest problem with sex offenders registries is that there are too many people on them who are not real sex offenders. A case in point:

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation... Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years...Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

So simulating sex with a bicycle in the privacy of your own hotel room makes you a sex offender? Bullshit. I suppose one could argue that the real offense was simulating sex in front of hotel staff, but can't people take a joke any more?

More here. Via The Agitator.

I got Newsom-ed!

Yesterday I took everyone's advice and decided to use my dental insurance while I've still got it. I found myself a nice practice down near Fisherman's Wharf and, after about 45 minutes of sweet sweet Novocaine (does anyone else kind of enjoy the dentist once you can't feel anything?), I headed home, a nice stroll through the Embarcadero and the Financial District. As I was approaching the Bart station, I noticed a large crowd had gathered in front of me. They were holding signs that I couldn't read (I should see the optometrist too!) and stopping people on the street. I used to live in New York, so I am a natural at looking down at the ground, hunching up my shoulders, and just paying attention to whatever is on my headphones (the new Radiohead, probably). But one of these guys actually reaches out and touches me. I take my headphones off, all "oh hell no!", and he looks at me and says, "Hey, you wanna meet your mayor?" Its Election night, and Gavin Newsom, my infamous mayor, best known for his "erstwhile" sexual meanderings, is having a party up by the Ferry Building.

Ok, so here is the thing, I know that Newsom has done nothing for affordable housing. I know that he is not doing everything he said he would since he got elected last time. I know that he's a womanizer and an all around sly motherfucker, but I mean, have you looked at this guy? Jesus H Christ! I could look at this guy all the God Damn Day!

So when this crony asks me, do I want to meet my mayor, I am immediately all, "um, hell yes?!"...and upon saying that, I realize that I can hardly open my mouth. I am so Novocained up that I look like half my face is paralyzed, stroke style. I can't...meet Gavin...like this!!!

But its all happening so fast! Without thinking, I cover my mouth with one hand and reach out to shake Gavin's with the other.

"I just went to the dentist..." I say, both with my terrified eyes and puffy, dead lips.

"Awe," He coos, as he brushes his hand down my right arm, and lets out a soft, sexy caretaker sort of laugh, "You're so cute."

Like I said, SLY.MOTHER.FUCKER.

Helmet Hair or Skeletor?

This image is making it's rounds on Facebook and various female-centric blogs. I guess it's a big deal amongst "my people", but truth be told, I just briefly glanced at it and rolled my eyes.

I can see why it's so infuriating, but I don't think its worth the spike in blood pressure. We've all had a few beers and the conversation of "who we would rather do, Hillary Clinton vs. Ann Coulter? (and/or) John Edwards vs. Mitt Romney?" Unfortunately (or not), our most basic instinct is sex, not bureaucracy.

So really, what is the point in getting all worked up about a chart made by some meat-head graphic arts major with a raging hard on for lady's pant-suits?


Christ, I am just glad someone of my generation was able to name 18 women in politics!

A Steinem in the Bedroom

ScienceDaily reports SELF-INDENTIFYING FEMINISTS ARE MORE FUN IN THE BEDROOM! (can I get a group "duh!"?)

A study done by some Wizards of the Obvious at Rutgers found that, even though meat-heads may avoid them, feminists are not only more satisifed in relationships, but they are also more satisfying for their partners:

"... having a feminist partner was linked to healthier heterosexual relationships for women. Men with feminist partners also reported both more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction. According to these results, feminism does not predict poor romantic relationships, in fact quite the opposite."

So gender equality makes for healthier relationships? You don't say! In other news, repeatedly poking yourself in the eye may cause blindness.

Foxnews.com Finally Tackling the Important Issues

Which State Will Legalize Sex with Robots First?

"My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience.
[...]
At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, "but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.

[...]

In 2006, Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that people will be having sex with robots within five years, and Levy thinks that's quite likely.

There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, "and it's just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration," he said, or endowing the robots with a few audio responses. "That's fairly primitive in terms of robotics, but the technology is already there."

Is this a joke? No. In fact, there's 15 more paragraphs on the, uh, ins and outs of robot sex, man-and-robot marriages, and the ethical issues involved.

What happened to Plan A?

Barr Pharmaceuticals, the company behind the illustrious Plan B, have created a Canadian website called ShareYourOops.com. The site makes intentional humor out of an unfortunate situation, thus eliminating the shame associated with going to the pharmacy and telling the judgemental person behind the counter that, "Oops...it broke."

Visitors to the site are asked to rate their most common/funny/ubiquitous reasons for needing Plan B and then the scores are tallied up so that we can all feel a bit of the "yeah that happened to me too" solidarity.

While amusing and frank, the site kind of rubs me the wrong way (pun intended). A lot of the ShareYourOops.com's reasons for needing Plan B are just excuses for when you were either too drunk, lazy, or plain irresponsible to put on a condom at all. Excuses such as "awe...tht [sic] sucks" as well as "Saranwrap and elastic sucks" are the "the dog ate my homework" of unprotected sex. Of course people should still be proactive about the consequences of their actions/accidents (and yes, I fully support all free and fair trade of Plan B (disclosure: I even sold it to minors when I worked at Planned Parenthood)) but I guess I just wish we didn't always feel the need to make a cutesy jokes about everything. Especially when, you know, you can still get chlamydia and stuff.

The Meat Market Gets Quantified in Manhattan

A 25 year-old woman seeking to be a trophy wife posted on craigslist. Says she:

"I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all," the woman, who described herself as "spectacularly beautiful" and "superficial," wrote.

"I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won't get me to Central Park West," she said, asking questions like "where do rich single men hang out?"

The market reaction to her post:

"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.

"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"

"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said

Obviously this guy is a major asshole and should be dunned in the head. But it is hard to excuse asshole females who play the same game.

Happy Russian Sex Day!

Oh Russia, an endless source of entertainment. While most of Europe’s population decline is well documented, it is the Russians that are leading the race to the grave. The Russian population is declining at about 0.5% a year, with a life expectancy for men of only 59 years according to the CIA Fact Book. This drop is forecasted to lead to 40 million less Russians by the middle of the century. To combat this deficiency, the BBC reports, the governor of a Russian province is encouraging couples to take today off to make a baby. If a baby is born on the National Day, June 12, the family can receive numerous prizes for their efforts.

Reason to Have Sex: She Will Let Me

I was going to post something on the Ron Paul article by John Derbyshire at NRO. Then I got distracted by a John Tierney post on reasons to have sex, for some kind of social science paper/study that someone is working on. I really don't care about the specifics. As usual the comments are golden.

Reason I didn’t want to: Because he was an idiot.

Reason I did: Because I am an idiot.

— Posted by Michelle

The simple joke is -- I just boned a chick named Michelle. The simple truth is -- I didn't but I can assure you if women like Michelle didn't exist I would be alone in my bed a lot more.

To recover after the loss of an infant child.

— Posted by Tonton Macoute

Interesting idea...Support groups for newly childless parents...Hummmm

I don’t want to because I’ve had a total hysterectomy and don’t crave it: biochemical theory has something to it! Plus, my man has cancer, and although I know this is not supposed to be contagious, a lot still needs to be learned about viruses. Life is actually much more peaceful and happy without sex!

— Posted by Beyonditall

God, I'm hoping for his sake that this guy dies soon and is given the gift of never having to wake up next to this hag ever again.

I wanted to prove to others/assure myself that I wasn’t queer.

— Posted by Anonymous 2

Right. A couple more years down the road, you will be sucking cock like a pro. I'm done for now. More here. Oh, and that Ron Paul piece, here.

Man Sues Over Hard-On

Of all of the reasons to sue, I wouldn't have guessed that this is one, but welcome to the tort climate of the US.

Christopher Woods (that is sort of a hard-on name, btw), drank the health drink Boost Plus and got a woodie that just wouldn't go away. From the article,

A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

The Winter shunt sounds painful and what is that anyway? But I would hope that a 29 year-old guy with a major hard-on could find a lot more satisfaction in the Big Apple than he would in court.