Once You Get Over This, The Rest Of The Week Is Easy

From the Melbourne Community News.

N-Word Rises From Its Grave, Seeks Revenge Against Mayor Kilpatrick

Remember when America's favorite scandal-ridden mayor; who along with the NAACP buried the N-word in the summer of '07, complete with a funeral and eulogies? I sure do. At the time I thought burying a word was quite possibly the stupidest idea ever, especially when young black males are actually being buried at a rate 4-5x higher than their white peers. That small fact might point to real issues that directly affect the black community and need to be addressed, instead of symbolically burying a word for the mere purpose of grabbing a few headlines.

Well, it would seem Mayor Kilpatrick didn't bury the word soon enough. According to sordid text messages between Detroit's Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his mistress, (aka Chief of Staff) back in 2002-2003 Kilpatrick used the word nigger in -- what I'm sure he would call -- an affectionate manner in reference to his mistress Christine Beatty. From CBS News, discussing the recent release of damaging text messages that are at the heart of multiple scandals that have plagued the mayor, and now led to his indictment on a whole list of offenses including perjury.

The sometimes graphic excerpts include the frequent use of the N-word, or derivatives of it, as a term of endearment.

On Sept. 15, 2002, Beatty described a sex act she wanted to perform on the mayor but said she didn't know how to ask him to let her do it. He replied: "Next time, just tell me to sit down, shut up and do your thing!"

Later that month, the pair appeared to arrange a sexual encounter in Beatty's office. On Sept. 19, 2002, Beatty wrote to Kilpatrick: "I have wanted to hold you so badly all day, but I was trying to stay focused on work. So, I promise, not to keep you longer than 15 minutes."

Kilpatrick replied: "Don't promise (N-word.)"

Beatty said: "I'm in my office. Do you want me to come to yours or you coming to mine?"

Kilpatrick said: "I'm coming down there ... LOL ditto. Freaky Chris!"

I see your LOL Mayor, and raise you a LMAO...

Kilpatrick allegedly has lied under oath, illegally fired police officers as part of the cover-up, and misused city dollars. So there are a lot of more important matters at stake here than just the simple hypocrisy over the use of nigger, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't pay any attention to yet one more example of what seems to be part of a every politician's oath: Do as I say, not as I do.

Full story here. Comprehensive archive of the Mayor's scandal here.

NY Gov Can't Stop Confessing

Look, I reflexively love any guy who cheats on his wife, does blow, and smokes pot. Fun guy to be around. Perhaps though, if you are a governor of a major American state, and not a blogger at a pathetically low-brow blog, you might want to keep some of your behaviors, past or present, to yourself.
ABC News:

New York's new governor, who disclosed last week that he and his wife both committed adultery several years ago, said Monday that he used cocaine in his 20s and smoked marijuana when he was younger. In reference to cocaine, Gov. David Paterson, 53, said in a television interview that he "tried it a couple of times" when he was "about 22 or 23." "And marijuana probably when I was about 20," he said on the NY1 cable news station. "I don't think I touched marijuana since the '70s."

Any guesses on what confessions we get next from Paterson?

Wear A Condom, Go To Hell

I'm a bit late (ok, two weeks late) in addressing this, but I've been recovering from a flu that I caught while recovering from tonsillitis.

Anyway, the Vatican decided that only seven deadly sins just didn't cut it anymore in this modern world, so they added some more. A taste of the new sins:

Drug pushers, the obscenely rich, environmental polluters and “manipulative” genetic scientists beware – you may be in danger of losing your mortal soul unless you repent.

Subjective as hell, no doubt about it. And this is only the first paragraph of the article. Is the doctor who recently sold me pain killers a "drug pusher?" Are you "obscenely rich" if you own a building like this? Do all cows necessarily go to hell?

However, these first few paragraphs are really just textual masturbation (and don't even get the Vatican started on that), because I'm yet to even mention that part that pisses me off the most:

[The Catholic Church] holds mortal sins to be “grave violations of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes”, including murder, contraception, abortion, perjury, adultery and lust.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that “immediately after death the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell”.

Murder, adultery, lust... same ol' shit... already covered by the commandments. Perjury... yeah, ok, if you insist. There are plenty of situations in which abortion is perfectly justified, but I will admit I'm personally uncomfortable morally with terminating a pregnancy for a parent's
convenience only, even though I think it's none of the government's or the Vatican's business.

But, contraception? No shit???

First of all, if the Vatican wants to take such an absolute stance against abortion under any circumstances, isn't it just plain counterproductive to oppose slipping on a condom? If abortion is murder unconditionally, wouldn't it make sense to encourage taking a daily pill to prevent an unwanted pregnancy that might otherwise lead to abortion? If you're going to insist that terminating a fetus or a zygote is the equivalent of slaying a human being, wouldn't you prefer letting some sperm cells die instead?

And while the Vatican is addressing the subject of new-age sins, what do they think of encouraging the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases? An organization that considers itself an authority on morality should definitely support the efforts consenting adults, or even consenting minors, in preventing diseases, neglected babies and, yes, unnecessary abortions.

I guess the rationale of the Catholic Church is similar to that of the Bush administration: your options are abstinence or abstinence. But it simply doesn't work that way, and both the Church and the administration should know better.

I guess the Catholic Church, in which I was raised, will just have to deal with my soul being eternally damned. If everyone who puts on a condom or takes a birth control pill is going to hell, I will have good company down there. For you other contraception users out there, call my hell-cell and we'll meet up for a few drinks or lines.

Texas Court Overturns Sex Toy Ban

It is hard to believe that sex toys are illegal anywhere in the US but they were in Texas before this ruling and still are in Alabama, Mississippi and somewhat in Virginia.

The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Texas law making it illegal to sell or promote obscene devices, punishable by up to two years in jail, violated the Constitution's 14th Amendment on the right to privacy.

"Just as in Lawrence, the state here wants to use its laws to enforce a public moral code by restricting private intimate conduct," the appeals judges wrote. "The case is not about public sex. It is not about controlling commerce in sex. It is about controlling what people do in the privacy of their own homes because the state is morally opposed to a certain type of consensual private intimate conduct. This is an insufficient justification after Lawrence."

Amen and thank you to Lambda Legal for funding, trying and winning Lawrence. Now Texan law enforcement can stop devoting resources to arresting housewives who host alternative Tupperware parties.

School Hires 34 Year Old Former Stripper at Minumum Wage; Stripper Does Her Part for Predictable Ending

And I thought TtP's hiring policies were lenient:

A special-education aide at Highlands Senior High School resigned under pressure yesterday and faces possible drug and corruption of minors charges for a hotel party involving high school teenagers.

New Kensington police said they found suspected crack cocaine, empty beer cans and used condoms in a room that Abbiejane Swogger, 34, of Harrison, shared with minors Thursday night at New Kensington's Clarion Hotel. The room contained drug paraphernalia and a marijuana odor when officers arrived just before noon on Friday to follow up on reports of missing teens, said Detective Dennis Marsili.[...]

The one-time exotic dancer worked since September for the school district at a job paying minimum wage or slightly above. At the time Ms. Swogger was hired, the school district had no drug-testing policy for employees at her level, Dr. Galcik said. The school board later expanded its policy to require such testing in January for new employees, she said.

Drug testing? I'm not sure preventing casual pot smokers from teaching will accomplish much in the way of preventing pedophilia.

How about whore testing? That would be a more effective policy to stop the hiring of middle-aged whores as teachers. You can take this as a formal offer of my services Westmoreland County. Not to brag but I'm like a human lie-detector machine. Only I detect whoreness. It's a complicated process where I see if the women in question will go home with me. Never fails.

More:

Ms. Swogger says she rented a hotel room to socialize and drink beer with adult acquaintances, but teenage friends of her son showed up and refused to leave. She maintained yesterday that she knew nothing about drugs in the room and did not give the teens any beer.

"I think if they drank, I would have known about it," she said, adding that she unsuccessfully urged the two girls to leave.

Ms. Swogger also said she did not have sex with any of the young people present. They may have had sex with one another, she said, but did so "discreetly."

That's a good excuse...They might have had sex in the same room as me, but if they did so, they were 'discreet' about it. I'll have to tuck that one away for further use. Like this Saturday. Me: "Officer, there may have been a dozen or so street walkers shooting heroin while blowing me in the bathroom. But if they did, they were discreet about it. Now, am I free to go back to more discreet prostitutes that may or may not be in my bedroom?

Full story here, with a hitable picture of the former teacher in question.

ACLU Gets It Right... But Could Say It Better

My knowledge of law and legal precedent is slim, but this rationale from the ACLU in support of Larry Craig (which is allegedly based on Supreme Court precedent) sounds fishy:

The ACLU filed a brief Tuesday supporting Craig. It cited a Minnesota Supreme Court ruling 38 years ago that found that people who have sex in closed stalls in public restrooms "have a reasonable expectation of privacy."

That means the state cannot prove Craig was inviting the undercover officer to have sex in public, the ACLU wrote.

Even if Craig was inviting the officer to have sex, the ACLU argued, his actions would not be illegal.

I know a little more about sex than law, although not much more, unless the single-participant type counts. Practically, however, I find it hard to fathom that it's possible to expect privacy when having sex in a public bathroom. I guess it's possible in some cases, but considering the two or more sets of feet beneath the divider and the potential for noises not related to relieving oneself, I find it hard to believe that such sex would go unnoticed.

That said, I agree with the last sentence of the above quote, although I suspect it's for a different reason. I view it as entrapment that a police officer is allowed to cocktease in a public restroom with the intent of making an arrest, much like I view officers dressing as prostitutes and hitting the streets as entrapment. What gives the police the authority to set up such a sting for voluntary behavior?

Even if we assume that sex in a public restroom should be a criminal offense (which I do not necessarily believe), how could the police prove that the signals indicate an intent to have sex in that restroom? How can they prove that the foot tapper doesn't instead intend to exchange phone numbers and meet up for sex in private?

It's possible there could be some grounds for civil action between two non-police parties, but that sounds like something more complex than I'm capable or willing to address.

If anyone can provide more details about the Supreme Court precedent in the comments, I'd appreciate it. I did some quick Google and ACLU.org searches but came up empty handed.

Sometimes Making a Sex Tape is Not Such a Good Idea

Malaysian Health Minister, Chua Soi Lek, was forced to resign after a sex tape depicted him and another women preforming the dirty deed was widely circulated in his home state the BBC reports. The videos were made in a hotel suite without Lek's knowledge or so he says.

Well actually it was not a tape, but a DVD. It is important to get a clear picture for such a production when I am sure it was done on a tight budget. Three cheers for the distributer, but next time lets hope for an international release.

When Humping Your Bicycle is Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Hump Bicycles

The biggest problem with sex offenders registries is that there are too many people on them who are not real sex offenders. A case in point:

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation... Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years...Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

So simulating sex with a bicycle in the privacy of your own hotel room makes you a sex offender? Bullshit. I suppose one could argue that the real offense was simulating sex in front of hotel staff, but can't people take a joke any more?

More here. Via The Agitator.

I got Newsom-ed!

Yesterday I took everyone's advice and decided to use my dental insurance while I've still got it. I found myself a nice practice down near Fisherman's Wharf and, after about 45 minutes of sweet sweet Novocaine (does anyone else kind of enjoy the dentist once you can't feel anything?), I headed home, a nice stroll through the Embarcadero and the Financial District. As I was approaching the Bart station, I noticed a large crowd had gathered in front of me. They were holding signs that I couldn't read (I should see the optometrist too!) and stopping people on the street. I used to live in New York, so I am a natural at looking down at the ground, hunching up my shoulders, and just paying attention to whatever is on my headphones (the new Radiohead, probably). But one of these guys actually reaches out and touches me. I take my headphones off, all "oh hell no!", and he looks at me and says, "Hey, you wanna meet your mayor?" Its Election night, and Gavin Newsom, my infamous mayor, best known for his "erstwhile" sexual meanderings, is having a party up by the Ferry Building.

Ok, so here is the thing, I know that Newsom has done nothing for affordable housing. I know that he is not doing everything he said he would since he got elected last time. I know that he's a womanizer and an all around sly motherfucker, but I mean, have you looked at this guy? Jesus H Christ! I could look at this guy all the God Damn Day!

So when this crony asks me, do I want to meet my mayor, I am immediately all, "um, hell yes?!"...and upon saying that, I realize that I can hardly open my mouth. I am so Novocained up that I look like half my face is paralyzed, stroke style. I can't...meet Gavin...like this!!!

But its all happening so fast! Without thinking, I cover my mouth with one hand and reach out to shake Gavin's with the other.

"I just went to the dentist..." I say, both with my terrified eyes and puffy, dead lips.

"Awe," He coos, as he brushes his hand down my right arm, and lets out a soft, sexy caretaker sort of laugh, "You're so cute."

Like I said, SLY.MOTHER.FUCKER.

Helmet Hair or Skeletor?

This image is making it's rounds on Facebook and various female-centric blogs. I guess it's a big deal amongst "my people", but truth be told, I just briefly glanced at it and rolled my eyes.

I can see why it's so infuriating, but I don't think its worth the spike in blood pressure. We've all had a few beers and the conversation of "who we would rather do, Hillary Clinton vs. Ann Coulter? (and/or) John Edwards vs. Mitt Romney?" Unfortunately (or not), our most basic instinct is sex, not bureaucracy.

So really, what is the point in getting all worked up about a chart made by some meat-head graphic arts major with a raging hard on for lady's pant-suits?


Christ, I am just glad someone of my generation was able to name 18 women in politics!

A Steinem in the Bedroom

ScienceDaily reports SELF-INDENTIFYING FEMINISTS ARE MORE FUN IN THE BEDROOM! (can I get a group "duh!"?)

A study done by some Wizards of the Obvious at Rutgers found that, even though meat-heads may avoid them, feminists are not only more satisifed in relationships, but they are also more satisfying for their partners:

"... having a feminist partner was linked to healthier heterosexual relationships for women. Men with feminist partners also reported both more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction. According to these results, feminism does not predict poor romantic relationships, in fact quite the opposite."

So gender equality makes for healthier relationships? You don't say! In other news, repeatedly poking yourself in the eye may cause blindness.

Foxnews.com Finally Tackling the Important Issues

Which State Will Legalize Sex with Robots First?

"My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience.
[...]
At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, "but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.

[...]

In 2006, Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that people will be having sex with robots within five years, and Levy thinks that's quite likely.

There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, "and it's just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration," he said, or endowing the robots with a few audio responses. "That's fairly primitive in terms of robotics, but the technology is already there."

Is this a joke? No. In fact, there's 15 more paragraphs on the, uh, ins and outs of robot sex, man-and-robot marriages, and the ethical issues involved.

What happened to Plan A?

Barr Pharmaceuticals, the company behind the illustrious Plan B, have created a Canadian website called ShareYourOops.com. The site makes intentional humor out of an unfortunate situation, thus eliminating the shame associated with going to the pharmacy and telling the judgemental person behind the counter that, "Oops...it broke."

Visitors to the site are asked to rate their most common/funny/ubiquitous reasons for needing Plan B and then the scores are tallied up so that we can all feel a bit of the "yeah that happened to me too" solidarity.

While amusing and frank, the site kind of rubs me the wrong way (pun intended). A lot of the ShareYourOops.com's reasons for needing Plan B are just excuses for when you were either too drunk, lazy, or plain irresponsible to put on a condom at all. Excuses such as "awe...tht [sic] sucks" as well as "Saranwrap and elastic sucks" are the "the dog ate my homework" of unprotected sex. Of course people should still be proactive about the consequences of their actions/accidents (and yes, I fully support all free and fair trade of Plan B (disclosure: I even sold it to minors when I worked at Planned Parenthood)) but I guess I just wish we didn't always feel the need to make a cutesy jokes about everything. Especially when, you know, you can still get chlamydia and stuff.

The Meat Market Gets Quantified in Manhattan

A 25 year-old woman seeking to be a trophy wife posted on craigslist. Says she:

"I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all," the woman, who described herself as "spectacularly beautiful" and "superficial," wrote.

"I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won't get me to Central Park West," she said, asking questions like "where do rich single men hang out?"

The market reaction to her post:

"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.

"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"

"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said

Obviously this guy is a major asshole and should be dunned in the head. But it is hard to excuse asshole females who play the same game.

Happy Russian Sex Day!

Oh Russia, an endless source of entertainment. While most of Europe’s population decline is well documented, it is the Russians that are leading the race to the grave. The Russian population is declining at about 0.5% a year, with a life expectancy for men of only 59 years according to the CIA Fact Book. This drop is forecasted to lead to 40 million less Russians by the middle of the century. To combat this deficiency, the BBC reports, the governor of a Russian province is encouraging couples to take today off to make a baby. If a baby is born on the National Day, June 12, the family can receive numerous prizes for their efforts.

Reason to Have Sex: She Will Let Me

I was going to post something on the Ron Paul article by John Derbyshire at NRO. Then I got distracted by a John Tierney post on reasons to have sex, for some kind of social science paper/study that someone is working on. I really don't care about the specifics. As usual the comments are golden.

Reason I didn’t want to: Because he was an idiot.

Reason I did: Because I am an idiot.

— Posted by Michelle

The simple joke is -- I just boned a chick named Michelle. The simple truth is -- I didn't but I can assure you if women like Michelle didn't exist I would be alone in my bed a lot more.

To recover after the loss of an infant child.

— Posted by Tonton Macoute

Interesting idea...Support groups for newly childless parents...Hummmm

I don’t want to because I’ve had a total hysterectomy and don’t crave it: biochemical theory has something to it! Plus, my man has cancer, and although I know this is not supposed to be contagious, a lot still needs to be learned about viruses. Life is actually much more peaceful and happy without sex!

— Posted by Beyonditall

God, I'm hoping for his sake that this guy dies soon and is given the gift of never having to wake up next to this hag ever again.

I wanted to prove to others/assure myself that I wasn’t queer.

— Posted by Anonymous 2

Right. A couple more years down the road, you will be sucking cock like a pro. I'm done for now. More here. Oh, and that Ron Paul piece, here.

Man Sues Over Hard-On

Of all of the reasons to sue, I wouldn't have guessed that this is one, but welcome to the tort climate of the US.

Christopher Woods (that is sort of a hard-on name, btw), drank the health drink Boost Plus and got a woodie that just wouldn't go away. From the article,

A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

The Winter shunt sounds painful and what is that anyway? But I would hope that a 29 year-old guy with a major hard-on could find a lot more satisfaction in the Big Apple than he would in court.