Paterson Shocker: HE'S BLIND!

I saw the rumors (earlier this week?) swirling around the tubes about "bombshell" accusations that were to be dropped on the Stevie Wonder of New York politics; so I expected some stories of hookers and shit in the coming days. Fuck if I wasn't disappointed. No hookers. No blow. Turns out the guy is just a huge asshole who runs a northeastern state. BORING. Get in line Gov. No Sight McGee.

Why even bring up the New York Times piece if there aren't any hookers and drugs? Two reasons --

1) It gives me a chance to run this fucking fantastic picture of Paterson as a kid in 1970 (above). Take a good long look. BTW, he's the kid on the right.

and

2) The indictments of Paterson read like my annual work evaluations. I half expected to read - "Aides have noticed that Paterson spends hours in the bathroom while at work, and often smells of vodka in the afternoons."

A few of those Rob-like (I can read though!) transgressions are: (excerpting from the NYT)

A review of several months of Mr. Paterson’s private schedules shows that his days were not long; he often arrived at his office in Manhattan or Albany after 10 a.m. and departed by 4:30 or 5 p.m

Sometimes, he has failed to show up at long-scheduled events.

Use the side door in the office, dude. Also, He cancelled a make-up speech at Columbia (he failed to show for the first one) two hours before the event. His excuse?

He had to cancel, the governor said, because of an emergency terrorism briefing. The Times requested the names of others who attended the briefing, or other evidence that the briefing had occurred, but Mr. Paterson’s office declined to provide any.

Oh shit. The Terrorism Briefing Card. I expect more from a guy like this. Look, I bet that one works better when you are a governor of a major state and not an Event Planner at a non-profit, but still, that's a tough excuse to pull off. Trust me.

Questionable accounting:

The governor attributed more than $1,800 in charges at the Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, Fla., to a trip he made to meet with someone he hoped could help him raise money. Asked if his trip broke even, he said, “I didn’t go down there for that reason,” adding: “I have a cousin who’s ill in Sarasota. I went down to see my cousin.” Mr. Paterson noted, “I mean, I did sit by the pool at the hotel, I will admit to that — that was kind of vacation-oriented.”

He can't read (stay with me on this one):

Mr. Paterson, who is legally blind, has always relied on trusted aides, in part because his disability forces him to turn to others for assistance with tasks like briefing himself on policy issues (he does not read Braille) and navigating crowded rooms.

And last but not least, this is what his friends have to say about the man:

As The Times prepared this article, Mr. Paterson and his staff encouraged reporters to interview a number of the governor’s supporters to speak about his record. One declined to comment. Two others did not return phone calls requesting an interview.

Ouch.

Here's An Idea -- Hide the Ring In the Mouth of a Lion and Tie Steaks To Her Body

Fresh from my blog sabbatical (both reading and writing) I get handed this meaty piece of material from a Baltimore County politician/nephew of an US Senator, and an all-around walking, talking, giant douche bag. Everyone, meet Baltimore County Delegate Jon Cardin. Oh and ladies -- sorry, but he's taken.

City police are investigating why on-duty marine and helicopter officers helped a Baltimore County state delegate propose to his girlfriend by pretending to raid a boat the couple were aboard, a department spokesman said Monday.

Officers boarded the boat, owned by a friend of Del. Jon S. Cardin, on Aug. 7 in the Inner Harbor. As the helicopter Foxtrot hovered overhead, adding to the sense of tension, one report says officers pretended to search the vessel and even had the woman thinking she was about to be handcuffed before the delegate got on one knee and proposed.

Megan Homer said "yes."

Baltimore police officials did not find the account of the pretend raid amusing or charming.

Because nothing says "I love you sweetie, will you marry me?" like hand-cuffs, guns, and a police helicopter. How could you say no?

This gives me an idea for my special lady's birthday coming up next Tuesday. Surprise Swat Team Party. Now, unfortunately I have no police contacts like Del. Cardin so I'll have to make my own Swat Team. Get a dozen friends or so, dress in black, outfit them with pepper spray and tazers. Then we "raid" her apartment, render her incapacitated with the pepper spray, then stun her with the tazer gun. After she has stopped crying and quivering from 50,000 volts of electricity we yell "SURPRISE! Happy Birthday!". Best birthday ever.

On a more serious note (although the swat team party might be cheaper than the dinner I'll have to buy) the marine unit who helped Cardin out with his proposal is the same Baltimore City marine unit that went to the media a couple months back complaining about a lack of funding. Point, set, match fellas.

Obama Makes Retard Joke; Rob Holds Out for Bestiality One-Liner Next Thursday

Mr President -- You can borrow our Shameless Jokes About Retards tag. You're just going to have to promise me that you'll use it on your buddy Joe a time or two.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has apologized to the chairman of the Special Olympics for his late-night talk show quip equating his bowling skills to those of athletes with disabilities.

Appearing on "The Tonight Show" Thursday, the president told host Jay Leno he'd been practicing at the White House's bowling alley but wasn't happy with his score of 129. Then he remarked: "It was like the Special Olympics or something."

Maybe Obama might be interested in a guest blogging gig at TtP?

More:

On his way back to Washington on Air Force One, Obama called the chairman of the Special Olympics, Tim Shriver, to say he was sorry — even before the taped program aired late Thursday night.

"He expressed his disappointment and he apologized in a way that was very moving. He expressed that he did not intend to humiliate this population," Shriver said Friday on ABC's "Good Morning America." Obama, Shriver said, wants to have some Special Olympic athletes visit the White House to bowl or play basketball

After which Obama added, "Only because the retards would make me feel better about my scores!" Zing! Good one Barry.

And don't feel too bad if your child, or some one you love is a mushhead. Obama didn't mean to disrespect them.

Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton told reporters traveling with Obama that the president's offhand remark was not meant to disparage the Special Olympics, only to poke some fun at the commander in chief's bowling skills.

"He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful program that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world," Burton said.

That's right. It wasn't meant to "disparage the Special Olympics". He was only saying that everyone knows retards aren't good at bowling, so his poor bowling is comparable to retards bowling....

Can't wait to catch Barry at the Laugh Factory next week's press conference. Who knows what wacky thing will come out of the Prez's mouth.

Sweetie, I Don't Want to Use Tree Bark as Plates at Our Wedding

I'm pressed at my day job because of an event tomorrow night -- hence the lack of posting yesterday, today and most likely tomorrow as well. However, no amount of work can stop me from passing along the answer to the question , "What does a douche chill feel like?"

Feministing.org helps us out with the answer, a'la a post about the difficulties of planning a wedding when you're a socially/environmentally/holistically conscious feminist. Otherwise known as -- someone that nobody else wants to be around.

Here's the best part from Jessica Valenti's post, but you need to dig around the comments some to really get the douche chills going.

On the issue of same sex marriage, frye886 says, "It seems to me a more powerful action by many couples would be to refuse to get married and publicly state the reasons why not."

Andrew and I discussed not getting married until everyone could, and we think that's an understandable choice. Instead, we're trying use our impending marriage as a pro-active way to talk about same sex marriage among our friends and family, and being mindful of the inequity in every step our process. (For example, in our engagement announcement we asked anyone considering getting us a gift to instead donate to an organization fighting for same sex marriage rights; we're planning on saying something about it as part of our ceremony; and we've taken the advice of several commenters and will have donation cards to said orgs instead of favors.)

Sounds like a fun wedding. Because really, who doesn't want to have a discussion about same-sex marriage at a wedding? Or be hit up for money to donate to the cause. I mean, I definitely don't go to weddings just for the open bar and loose desperate women.

And guys, remember this when you are about to get married. At least it isn't to this chick:

Though it might not seem immediately feminist, I would really look into where the flowers that you purchase for your ceremony come from. The conditions that women labour in, in greenhouses in third world countries are atrocious. They often work with hazardous chemicals that have been outlawed in western countries. Some of these chemicals have been known to induce spontaneous miscarriages as well as lead to cancer. The women are also lowly paid and their salary amounts to slave labour. There are also extremely high incidents of rape occurring. This seems to me to be to high of a price for a flower that is going to die in a few days. Please consider buying only locally grown flowers. These companies need to be sent a message that the exploitation of female labour needs to end.

Or this one:

March 11, 2009 1:17 PM[2+] flamingofeminist said:
We got married last summer and it was a really difficult decision, ethically. Aside from feeling that everyone should have a right to marry, we also struggled with the notion of ANYONE needing to get married. Why can't I claim anyone, regardless of marital status, to make medical decisions for me, etc, without being challenged? Also, there are many GLBTQ people who don't think our politics are in the right place; that marriage is not the best place to focus our efforts, when the HIV right among young people is climbing, gay teens are at a ridiculous high risk of suicide, homelessness, etc... so framing marriage as a choice that we were making, that even a lot of our close GLBTQ friends didn't want, was interesting. What's annoying in this fight for marriage is that it assumes that we all want to get married... not true.
Of course, by trying to deal with the issue flippantly, trying not to be those people who always talk about their wedding, about getting married, etc, we ran the risk of offending those people, like my dads, who really want nothing else but to get married. So it's an interesting issue no matter what.
As far as planning a wedding, a la feminism, we ordained one of my dads online, and the other one walked me down the aisle... even though, yes, a man was still "giving me away" none of that language "who gives this woman" was there, and really, for me, it just made me feel less awkward when everyone was staring at me! We got married on Pride weekend, unintentionally, and once we realized we added a candle lighting for those who had rioted at Stonewall. We also had a friend of ours read from one of our favorite atheist writers. It was fun planning a wedding subverting all the traditions, and really cornering people with questions like, WHY do we need to do x, y, z?... usually, they didn't know why, and they quit asking.

Poor, poor men...

Further Proof that Higher Ed is the Next Bubble To Burst

This guy needs to look at the bright side. He may have been cheated out of $2,000, but it most likely saved him $60,000 of future debt after he realizes that maybe college isn't for him:

J ake Welke, a sophomore majoring in special education at Illinois State University, was looking for a part-time job to help him pay his way through college.

"My professor suggested looking for jobs on craigslist (an Internet classified advertising service), and I saw a listing from a Filipino woman who was looking for an English tutor for her son, a foreign exchange student."

Welke, whose parents live in New Lenox, responded with his name and phone number, and the woman soon sent him another e-mail. It said the job would pay $40 an hour for four weeks, and he would be required to meet with her son for a minimum of three times a week.[...]

"I have to admit that $40 an hour sounds like $1 million to a college student," Welke said. "I sent her an e-mail saying I was still interested and asked for her son's name and age. She never answered those questions but sent me another e-mail saying I was hired."

The mother said she was sending Welke two MoneyGrams for $1,000 each. She asked that he take $500 out for himself and send a check for $1,500 to the nanny who would be flying immediately from Florida to Illinois with the woman's son. It was essential that he send the money right way so the nanny could pay for her flight and hotel room, the woman's e-mail said.

Jake, who ironically happens to be a special ed major, dutifully complied with the overweight Nigerian man Filipino mother and sent the check:

The MoneyGrams were fake, although they looked authentic. His bank accepted the money orders, Welke wrote a check for $1,500 on his account, and then Welke discovered 10 days later that the MoneyGrams were no good. He was on the hook for the entire $2,000.

There was no foreign exchange student. There wasn't any nanny. And the Filipino woman likely was a Nigerian, operating out of East Africa, Canada or England.

Welke's mother, Evelynn, blames herself.

"I told him money orders were as good as money. I told him to go ahead and deposit the money and write the check. I feel responsible," she said.

Jake Welke said he couldn't believe the Filipino woman was so trusting.

Jesus. What a retarded family. This scam doesn't even make sense. How the fuck do you fall for this?

Jake, you could have done what I and countless other college students did for drug and alcohol money during college -- No not blow jobs to random guys at highway rest stops. Although I heard that can be quite lucrative...Instead go get a low paying retail job. Or work on campus. Tend bar. Or wait tables. It's not that fucking hard to find a part-time job in school. You don't need to go on craigslist looking for $40/hr tutoring gigs for fucks sake.

First In What is Sure To Be a Long List of Apologies

Biden apologies for mocking John Roberts:

Vice President Biden made his first -- and probably not last -- apology for a joke gone bad, reportedly calling Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts to offer a mea culpa for cracking wise about Roberts' flubbing the oath of office during President Obama's inauguration.

I must have written it somewhere on this site over the past 6 months, but out of an abundance of caution I'll repeat it and I'll be sure to repeat it for at least the next four years:

I'm much more scared of Joe "I'm a fucking moron" Biden becoming President than I am of Obama as President. It's what made the criticism of Sarah Palin so foolish IMO, during the campaign. Joe Biden is a first rate idiot, a guy who may be fun to watch on TV but certainly shouldn't be within one step of the Presidency.

Remember, this is the guy who wanted to split Iraq up into 3 parts, does anyone every call him out on what would have been a frighteningly stupid and dangerous decision, had he actually been able to make any decisions? He's reckless and has the IQ and ego of a college frat boy. Joe Biden should hold no position in power higher than that of official food taster for the President.

Larry Kudlow Loses His Mind, Or Learns that Drunkblogging is Fun

The current financial meltdown can be tough for some to take -- especially if you are in the business of markets. Note Larry Kudlow last night from a post at NRO's The Corner. [emphasis mine]

[...]Ironically, this huge government action will be solved by free-market auctions and private sector loan workouts that will pay us back. I don't like it, but sometimes you just have to stop the financial fear. When I spoke to Alexander Hamilton last night about this, he told me it was the right thing to do. Like he did in the 1790s.

I'd pay serious money to have Larry King and Larry Kudlow host a show together. Where they interview dead politicians. Who wouldn't watch that? Call it Larry and Larry Speak to the Dead and Powerful. Next up on Larry and Larry -- Larry tries on Abe Lincoln's hat and asks him the question everyone is dying to know - What does it feel like to be shot in the head? Only on Larry and Larry!

Well That's a Surprise...

The recently discovered Big Foot carcass was just a....hoax! Turns out it as nothing more than a plastic gorilla suit. Sorry, make that a FROZEN plastic gorilla suit. More from what could possibly be the funniest AP news article to date.

ATLANTA (AP) - Turns out Bigfoot was just a rubber suit. Two researchers on a quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot say that the carcass encased in a block of ice - handed over to them for an undisclosed sum by two men who claimed to have found it - was slowly thawed out, and discovered to be a rubber gorilla outfit.

The revelation comes just days after a much ballyhooed news conference was held in California to proclaim that the remains of the creature were found in the North Georgia mountains was the legendary man-ape.

Steve Kulls, executive director of squatchdetective.com and host of Squatchdetective Radio, says in a posting on a Web site run by Bigfoot researcher Tom Biscardi that as the "evidence" was thawed, the claim began to unravel as a giant hoax.

I really hope that the undisclosed sum was a bag of peanuts and an expired condom. Because otherwise Steve and his research buddy are really fucking stupid.

More:

Matt Whitton, an officer who has been on medical leave from the Clayton County Police Department, and Rick Dyer, a former Georgia corrections officer, announced the find in early July on YouTube videos and a Web site.

"Everyone who has talked down to us is going to eat their words," Whitton said at the time.

Phone calls to Whitton and Dyer went unreturned on Tuesday. But the voicemail recording for their Bigfoot Tip Line - which proclaims they search for leprechauns and the Loch Ness monster - has been updated and announcing they're also in search of "big cats and dinosaurs. If you see any of those, give us a call."

Genius. Love these guys. Hey, speaking of being on the search for leprechauns...

A Truly Retarded Column

I'd like to nominate Timothy Shriver for humorless A-hole of the week. That's because of this column, in which he argues that the new Ben Stiller comedy, Tropic Thunder, is not funny, dammit. Not funny! Do you hear me?

Why does Shriver have his panties in such a knot over a film that he admits he hasn't even seen? Because the movie uses the word "retard" to provide laughs:

[I]t is an unchecked assault on the humanity of people with intellectual disabilities -- an affront to dignity, hope and respect.

Shriver explains how this film affronts "hope, dignity and respect" in this scene where Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr., actors playing actors, discuss why Stiller's character failed to win the Oscar:

Downey: "Everybody knows you never do a full retard."

Stiller: "What do you mean?"

Downey: "Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."

[Shriver]I worked with the Farrelly brothers on a film on this topic. I know about edgy comedy. I'm also told that movies are equal-opportunity offenders.

So here's an equal-opportunity response to the equal-opportunity offenders:

People with intellectual disabilities are routinely abused, neglected, insulted, institutionalized and even killed around the world. Their parents are told to give up, that their children are worthless. Schools turn them away. Doctors refuse to treat them. Employers won't hire them. None of this is funny.

So, remember, if you see this movie, doctors will let retards die. Can you live with that on your conscience? And if you doubt that, don't forget: Shriver worked with the Farrelly Brothers. He knows his retard jokes.

Hammerin' YouTube

MC Hammer looks to give this Internet thing a go, it what is sure to be a winning approach -- Challenge YouTube for a share of the online video market. Brilliant!

Hammer, whose real name is Stanley Burrell, is choreographing a new career as co-founder and chief strategy officer of Menlo Park-based DanceJam.com.

The Web site, scheduled to debut in mid-January, will try to upstage YouTube and become the Internet's hub for sharing and watching dance videos.[...]

Drawing upon the popularity of reality shows like "Dancing With The Stars," DanceJam will stage head-to-head competitions where contestants submit videos that will be judged by viewers. The site also will provide demonstrations and information about a wide variety of dances, ranging from the Boogaloo to the Krump.

Arone, Hammer and Young have spent several months videotaping people around the country dancing. They say they have stockpiled about 100 gigabytes of video to help launch DanceJam.

James McQuivey, a media analyst with Forrester Research, doubts that will be enough to lure people away from Google Inc.'s YouTube, which listed 1.7 million dance videos in its index as of late December.

Full article here. Reminds me of my idea to have a website dedicated to sex. Then I was told it had been done a time or two...

Next Up for FEMA -- Fake Death, Dye Hair Blond, and Escape Across the Border

Um-hum....Your government in action. The Washington Post:

The Federal Emergency Management Agency's No. 2 official apologized yesterday for leading a staged news conference Tuesday in which FEMA employees posed as reporters while real reporters listened on a telephone conference line and were barred from asking questions.

[...]

FEMA announced the news conference at its Southwest Washington headquarters about 15 minutes before it was to begin Tuesday afternoon, making it unlikely that reporters could attend. Instead, FEMA set up a telephone conference line so reporters could listen.

In the briefing, parts of which were televised live by cable news channels, Johnson stood behind a lectern, called on questioners who did not disclose that they were FEMA employees, and gave replies emphasizing that his agency's response to this week's California wildfires was far better than its response to Hurricane Katrina in August 2005.

Wonderful stuff. I say...Give them more funding!!! Who know what other wacky stunts they will come up with next. It's like a variety show masked as a federal agency. Brilliant idea!

If You Ever Wondered How Someone Who was Needlessly Tasered Can Lose All Your Sympathy, Look No Further

than his website. THEandrewmeyer.com. I'm serious, if anything I now think the taser and jail time wasn't enough to beat the doucheness out of him. Think frat boy. Only he doesn't get laid. And thinks he's witty and intelligent. And thinks he's cool because he doesn't get laid, as though people don't "get him."

I'll share an excerpt from his article section, from a piece titled "The folly of serious".

I went to a fancy restaurant yesterday dressed in a blue wife-beater and a red top hat with a white fuzzy band around it that might denote it as a “pimp hat.” Well, imagine to my surprise the reaction of the luminaries around my dining table. Not the servers, who are forced to dress a certain way everyday they come to work in their hoity-toity establishment. They are used to customers in their restaurant dressing a certain way, and when presented with such a ridiculously attired fellow, it is natural that they would feel queer or unsettled. But what of my fellows, the people I came to dine with, who are both accustomed and expecting of my uncanny ways. Surely they can laugh, and appreciate the bold strangeness that I have exhibited?

[...]

The people in this world who are ‘cool’ are the people who don’t give a fuck. The guy going around the party in a deranged and spectacularly adorned cowboy hat, learning everyone’s name on the fly and forgetting them just as quick? That’s me. I’m expanding my world, learning new faces and names and opinions and ideas.

Thinking back to college, I'm not sure I can remember anyone more uncomfortable than the loser with the cowboy hat on, bouncing around the party awkwardly until he passed out with his shirt off in a pool of his own vomit...He was fun to urinate on, but that's about it.

Promising Submission for World's Dumbest Cop

I meant to post this a month ago when I first heard it. It's good stuff. But as you can tell, I've had so much material, that I couldn't squeeze it in. Then I forgot about it. Happens a lot. My mind drifts. Like right now I'm thinking about this ingrown hair that I thought I'd taken care of yesterday, but now seems to still be there. Annoying. I just want to play with it all day long. Anyway, then I got an e-mail with the YouTube video which reminded me to post it. And that folks, is a behind-the-scenes look of a TtP Rob post production.

The Perfect Storm

Rachel Ray...check. Bill Clinton...check. Child obesity epidemic...check. From Rachel Ray's website:

It's a huge day when President Bill Clinton hits the kitchen with Rachael! But first they're talking about the childhood obesity epidemic and their partnership to change the way kids eat. Find out how you can get involved now!

Watch it tomorrow on the Food Network if you are brave enough. Check your local listings.

State and Gangs Battle Over Stolen Money; Retards Caught in Middle, Forced to Live in Recycle Bins

I might be going to hell, but what's this soulless blogger to do when he reads these paragraphs from an article titled Hawke's Bay gangs 'prey on mentally ill'[emphasis mine]

Mentally ill people living on the streets are becoming easy prey for gangs and drug dealers, says the manager of a Hawke's Bay mental health support trust.

[...]

Many on the streets ended up as easy prey for methamphetamine (P) suppliers and were constantly in debt to gangs or dealers.

The report by Wellington's The Property Group said it found "multiple cases quoted of consumers falling prey to victimisation, especially from gang members and their associates".

[...]

Judge Geoff Rea told Hastings District Court it was either prison or the streets. "He is a sad case in the sense that it seems he falls between the criminal justice system and the mental health system." Last December, Fredricksen spent seven days living in a recycling bin.

Mr Banks said his trust had dealt with a Napier man who walked out of his Housing Corporation flat because of the standover tactics of a gang who stole his furniture and warned him they'd be back the next week for his benefit money.

A couple of things. First of all, are they serious? Hawkes Bay Gangs? Come on...What did they walk up to the homeless guy, swooshing and side-stepping, snapping their fingers, singing threatening songs until he gave up his lazy boy/toilet?*

My second and more serious point. With the caveat that if this actually happens. Would these homeless, mentally unstable "consumers" be attractive to a shake down if they were not receiving money from the state? No, probably not. It's also rather silly to assume that these criminal gangs wouldn't just take the money or property in the first place. You know, without having to go through all the trouble of keeping ledgers detailing the debt that the different homeless guys have accrued over the year.

Full article (from New Zealand) here.

*I actually had a potential verse written out in this space, but Baylen gets all the e-mail, so I figured I'd give him a break on the hate-mail today.