Preakness vs Derby

Looking at my calender I see that the annual Baltimore tradition -- and second leg of the Triple Crown -- is coming up this Saturday. I plan on finding just about anything else to do. Golf, yard work, rounding up feral cats at the dump, you name it -- I'd rather be doing it. Preakness is something to be done once, maybe twice, but only if you're lucky enough to survive the fist one. The infield is a virtual death trap between beer grenades and flying ice chests, and enough pools of urine, feces and vomit to breed both mosquitoes and hepatitis.

On that note, the Sun's Kevin Van Valkenburg compares the Kentucky Derby to the Preakness and ends on this:

RACING FIELD AND OVERALL AESTHETIC

Derby: The best 3-year-olds in the world, most of whom are anonymous, unless you are the kind of guy who hangs out at the track all day, every day, smoking cigars, drinking bourbon and studying a racing sheet, in which case you are awesome.

Preakness: Say what you want about the Preakness, but it always has the Kentucky Derby winner, and the possibility for a Triple Crown is still alive. C'mon, Big Brown, momma needs a new pair of shoes!

Comment: OK, so one time at the Preakness, a guy ran on the track and tried to punch a horse. And we still don't have slots to play while you wait. And, yeah, Barbaro ran his last race here. And the grandstand looks like a shuttered steel mill. Did we mention you can bring your own beer?

Advantage: Preakness.

OVERALL WINNER: Preakness.

The Kentucky Derby is like a cross between the circus and the opera for rich people, only with more drinking and less-tasteful nudity.

The Preakness is more like a working-class celebration, something out of a Damon Runyon short story. It's the people's horse racing event, and it's as exciting as it is unpredictable.

You never know whether the power is going to fail or whether you're going to find true love at the bottom of an inflatable pool that's filled with warm beer. Plus, who knows how many more years the Preakness will be in Maryland?

It almost makes me want to go...Just almost.

Full article here.

$50 on Kinky Lingerie to Win!

In honor of the Kentucky Derby, Slate.com has a funny article about the naming of thoroughbred horses. All names have to be registered with the Jockey Club, the organization that officiates horse racing. The club's policy is to reject names that are "suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste." The club isn't that vigilant about the policy though. That's how, for example, a guy got the ok to name his gelding "Nutzapper":

[Horse owner Andy] Hillis explained to the registry poobahs that as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads. Satisfied that the name had a tasty, not tasteless, origin, the Jockey Club approved Nutzapper. Hillis, unable to contain his glee, boasted about the name to a Daily Racing Form reporter. "I've never even been to Canada," he said. "I just made the whole thing up on the spot."

Hillis should have kept his nutz in his mouth. After that article ran, the club banned the name.

The Slate.com article then goes on to note some of the astounding names that horses have run under in the history of the sport:

[S]houldn't somebody have questioned the precedent-setting Nut Buster way back in 1942? Similarly, Pussy Galore probably should have raised a few eyebrows in 1965. The filly never won a race, but one assumes she was a big hit with the stallions.

You want explicit commands? How about Blow Me (1945), Get It On (both 1971 and 1986), On Your Knees (1977 and 2005), Spank It (1985), or 1963's Go Down, whose sire, of course, was Service. Like 'em young? Embarrassingly enough, Jail Bait (1947 and 1983), Barely Legal (1982 and 1989), and Date More Minors (1998) all made it into the staid registry.

If a clever play on words is your thing, Cunning Stunt (1969) is a decent one. Lagnaf (1978) is a thinly veiled acronym for "let's all get naked and … ." The names Hardawn (1937) and Wrecked Em (1983) have to be said out loud to elicit the desired potty-mouth effect.

The list goes on: Golden Shower (1955), Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978), Cum Rocket (1969), Ménage Á Trois (1974), She's Easy (1978), Adultress (1979), Strip Teaser (1980), Rhythm Method (1982), Bodacious Tatas (1985), Tit'n Your Girdle (1988), Kinky Lingerie (1991), Hard Like a Rock (1995), Sexual Harassment (1997), and X Rated Fantasy (1999).

You can use the Jockey Club's online database to search for names. Among the ones I found were: Milfer, Hotforteacher, Bondage Queen and Jiz Wiz.

Kansas vs Memphis

Kansas 75 Memphis 68 in OT -- Non-story of night: Memphis couldn't make free throws when it counted. Their piss-poor free throwing shooting was going to do them in at some point in the Tournament, they were just athletic enough to get to the Championship game until it did.

Great game though, all the way through.

They Knew About Our Health Care and Still Defected?

Cuba's such a great place to live, that every Cuban wants to defect, or float across the ocean clinging to rafts made of cereal boxes and duct tape; just so they can tell us how fucking great their place is. Viral marketing...or something.

TAMPA, Fla. -- Five members of the Cuban Under-23 national soccer team left their hotel Tuesday night and and then Wednesday night two more players left the team, raising the possibility they all may be trying to defect.

Too bad for the team. They started Olympic Qualifying with a strong showing against the US playing them to a draw. Full article here.

Duke vs UNC Wasn't the Only Game Last Night

A great game, and a fair result last night as the US ties Mexico 2-2 in an international friendly soccer match that was played on quasi-home turf for the US at Reliant Stadium in Houston. Jozi Altidore had what could be considered a breakout game early in his international career. It's great to see a teenager from MLS develop so quickly into a star player.

I'm also looking forward to this friendly schedule:

Before the game, Sunil Gulati, president of U.S. Soccer, said the U.S. would play at Poland on March 26 and at Spain on June 4. The federation also is finalizing details for a June 8 game against "a top-five opponent" somewhere in the northeast. Currently, the top five ranked teams in the world are, in order, Argentina, Brazil, Italy, Spain and Germany.

You Can Take the Thug Out of Baltimore; But You Can't Take the Baltimore Out of the Thug

Most believable news story of the day:

Baltimore's Westport Patriots - a football team made up of youths 12 to 15 years old from some of the city's toughest neighborhoods - took first place in their division in the Pop Warner Super Bowl Championship in Florida last weekend.

But hours after the game, the Baltimore boys say they were verbally harassed by players from Hawaii. A fight ensued, and before the night was over the Westport team - as well as two teams from Hawaii - were ejected from Disney's All-Star Resort

It was a chaotic scene, according to local sheriff's deputies who took "conflicting statements" from members of the three teams and, as a result, have declined to file charges.

Parents of Hawaii youths blame the Baltimore team for being "aggressive" and allege that an adult associated with the team "egged on" boys who were brawling.

I'd put my money on the boys -- and parents (I use that term loosely) -- from Baltimore. Full article here.

Barry* Bonds* Indicted

I wish this shit would just go away.

I think Barry is a whiny prick, so I don't really feel any sympathy for him in general. But his reputation is already ruined. His name will be attached to the steroid controversy for at least 100 years. There has been much debate about whether or not to include an asterisk next to Bonds's name in the record books, but in reality the asterisk has already been affixed to his reputation.

But it looks like the government wants the last word.

And in a strictly by-the-book kind of way, the charges are appropriate. Bonds may very well have lied to the feds during an investigation, which is indeed grounds for "obstruction of justice" charges.

However, the original investigation four years ago was bullshit to begin with. If the MLB finds steroids a big enough problem, they are free to require testing (pending a battle with the players' union, of course). But except for the completely unreasonable and unconstitutional Drug War, there is no justification for the feds to be involved.

Whether the actual charges are valid or not, the feds are beating a dead horse here.

Then again, when Congress and its subcommittees operate under the rules quoted in this letter [pdf] from Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), I shouldn't be surprised.

"If he's a cheat at one thing, he'll cheat at anything"

A motto I live by*, and one reason why I think a politician's love life is the public's business.

MEXICO CITY — After a humiliating defeat in Mexico's presidential election last year, Roberto Madrazo appeared to be back on top: He'd won the men's age-55 category in the Sept. 30 Berlin marathon with a surprising time of 2:41:12. But Madrazo couldn't leave his reputation for shady dealings in the dust. Race officials said Monday they disqualified him for apparently taking a short cut — an electronic tracking chip indicates he skipped two checkpoints in the race and would have needed superhuman speed to achieve his win.

More here.

* and by live by, I mean I cheat at everything. I once cheated while playing Chutes & Ladders with my niece. And not just once. Three times in a row. Don't judge me. I did it out of love. Love of winning.

Stupid Coaching Move Proves to be...Stupid

Brazil knocks the US out of the World Cup, 4-0. Great decision by the US head coach, Greg Ryan to pull out the starting keeper who hadn't allowed the a goal in like 200 some-odd minutes in favor of 36 year old Brianna Scurry. I couldn't believe it when I heard the move yesterday on Sports Center. This was really, really, really stupid. I'm trying to think of how I compare this to another sport to give non-soccer fans an idea just how dumb it is to replace a goalkeeper mid-way through a tournament, when she is performing well no less, and I'm having difficulty thinking of a comparison situation. I guess it would be like changing quarterbacks before the Super Bowl, but I would actually say that doesn't even approach the level of stupidity that this takes.

They most likely would have lost anyways (I haven't seen the game yet) , but I guarantee that a change in keepers didn't help the situation.

At Least This Animal Rights Wacko is Behind Bars

Not since Ronald Reagan sold American hostages to the Contras in exchange for a copy of Voodoo Economics for Dummies, which he in turn gave to George H.W. Bush, and that Bush didn't read but instead exchanged for arms with Iran while on an absinthe bender in Paris has something so outrageous as this happened.

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran," FOX News has learned.

[Ellipsis]

The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year.

Sadly, Jonathan Lee Riches's claims against Vick are actually less ridiculous than those the governent has made against him. More here. Suit here.

Scooter's Prime Lending Days Are Over

Overrated* Yankee, prime-rate Money Store hawker, and catch-phrase thief Phil Rizzuto has gone to that great infield in the sky.



*"Overrated", a redundant term when describing almost any Yankee, is still an understatement when it comes to Rizzuto. Baseball-Reference.com notes that his career stats compare most favorably to those of the immortal... Jose Offerman. It's hard to think of a bigger Cooperstown mistake. (And yes I know Ted Wiilams is to blame.)

Update: Speaking of Jose Offerman's bat skills...

A Little Dose of Mohr is OK

The detestable Jay Mohr, who somehow weaseled his way into a job as a columnist for FoxSports.com, has a surprisingly amusing piece up today describing why you -- yes, you! -- should rush out and buy the newly released Madden '08 today.

The reason? Madden '07 saved his life, he claims, when someone put LSD in his Mexican food last year. More here.

Mixed Bag of Friday Links

Scratch my previous, optimistic post on the poppy situation in Afghanistan. Today I read this:

WASHINGTON - American combat troops will be thrown into the fight against narcotics traffickers in Afghanistan, where despite a $1 billion U.S. effort, another record opium crop is expected this fall, U.S. anti-drug officials said yesterday.

In a briefing for reporters, the officials outlined the new approach as part of a "basic strategy shift" in the U.S. campaign in Afghanistan.

In case that doesn't worry you enough, I can throw in quotes from John Walters, more on interdiction and eradication....The favorite buzzwords of Drug Warriors.

In southern Afghanistan where poppy cultivation has increased the fastest, the emphasis will be on crop eradication and on "taking down" drug kingpins and narco-traffickers, said Thomas Schweich, the State Department's top counter-narcotics official

[...]

Walters said he has worked closely on the plan with U.S. and international commanders in Iraq and with Gates and others at the Pentagon. Currently, the U.S. military command in Afghanistan, Joint Task Force 82, provides some limited intelligence to Afghan forces on missions to interdict drug shipments, according to a Congressional Research Service report published in June.

Note to drug mules -- The authorities are on to you and you 6 inch platform shoes. My advice -- Switch to a giant sombrero.

PGA Championship started yesterday. From Sobel's blog at ESPN:

2:46 p.m.: The Legend of John Daly continues to grow.

Daly just completed his post-round news conference and talked about eschewing practice rounds at Southern Hills in favor of -- you guessed it -- going to a casino.

On Tuesday, Daly played slots at nearby Cherokee Casino and said he did very well. He went back the next day (yesterday) and didn't fare as well on the slots, but got in some golf at the casino's course.

I heart John Daly. Here's to hoping he stays in the hunt come this weekend.

Beckham made his MLS debut with about 15-20 min left in last nights game in DC. Anyone go? He certainly made an impact on the flow of the game, providing some direction for a LA team that looked like poop for most of the game. DC won 1-0.

My Plea to Barry Bonds: Hit it to Me

I'm taking my dad to the Giants/Pirates doubleheader in Pittsburgh next week. (Not exactly true. Sure I bought the game tix, but he's footing the bill for the flights, hotel, food, beer, cabs, foam finger, Prilosec, etc.)

I bought the tickets about a month ago. My thinking at the time was that Barry Bonds's pace would slow. Plus, I reasoned that two games -- the only east of the Mississippi in which he could reasonably break the record -- would give me a better chance to catch #756 than would merely one. Plus, no one goes to Pittsburgh games, so I figure me and my dad will have our little section of right-center field to ourselves.

Well, after last night, Barry's one shy of owning the record outright. And so my plea to Barry Mr. Bonds is this: I've stuck my neck out and defended you, sir, in front of the dozens of TtP readers. I've never asked for anything in return. But, since every request for something in return begins with, "I've never asked for anything in return, but if you could just..."

...If you could just hold out a few days, and pop #756 into our PNC Park seats (look for us -- we'll be section 140, row A), I'd be really happy. And if you could point your bat at us before the pitch and then hit it to us -- call your shot -- that'll make the ball worth even more. That'd be mighty cool.

Anyways, even if you do that, too, I'd gladly give you a good discount if you want the ball back. I'm not greedy, sir, I'm just looking for enough to buy a little house and maybe pay down some student loans.

So c'mon and hit #756 to me. You'd really make my day. Thanks.

Meet Rhain Davis, Grade-Schooler and Pro Football Star

I didn't think Tim Floyd's recruitment of the vaguely pubescent Ryan Boatright, or MLS's courtship of Freddy Adu, could seem untimely for their staleness. A bit premature, sure, but never too late.

That said, meet Rhain Davis, age 9. He's Manchester United's newest recruit. And he's got mind-blowing skills, at least against his elementary-school peers.



More here. Prescient, pre-Rhain piece on kids playing pro sports here. Blogosphere reaction from the punters at the damn good Who Ate All the Pies? Apparently Man U recruits kids Rhain's age all the time.

Note: I netted six goals -- while serving up three assists -- in one game for the under-12 Beverly Scorpions in 1982 or '83. Where was Man U then?

If Only People Cared About the NBA

This doesn't look good...for the NBA I mean. For everyone else, this one will be a fun one to watch play out.

The allegedly dirty NBA referee who's set to sing in a mob point-shaving scandal sought police protection yesterday -- after receiving threats that he could be whacked, cops said.

Three Manatee County Sheriff's squad cars screeched up to the Bradenton, Fla., home of terrified former NBA official Tim Donaghy to investigate menacing telephone calls against him.

"Our concern is for his safety and his family's safety," said Sheriff's Lt. Robert Mealy. "We are definitely going to share any information we get with the FBI."

Full article here. NBA blows.

Teen Tired of Internet Attention Agrees to Do WaPo.com Piece on Unwanted Internet Attention....Wait....

Thanks for giving me unsolicited and gift-wrapped material Allison Stokke and family. Honestly now, who thinks the best way to deal with a lot of Internet attention is to agree to a piece -- pictures included mind you -- at a major, global newspaper's website? I hadn't heard anything of this chick until a friend of mine, who knows all too well of my penchant for 18 year old pole vaulters, sent me the link to the article in the WaPo. Brilliant strategy. From the article:[emphasis mine]

In her high school track and field career, Stokke had won a 2004 California state pole vaulting title, broken five national records and earned a scholarship to the University of California, yet only track devotees had noticed. Then, in early May, she received e-mails from friends who warned that a year-old picture of Stokke idly adjusting her hair at a track meet in New York had been plastered across the Internet. She had more than 1,000 new messages on her MySpace page. A three-minute video of Stokke standing against a wall and analyzing her performance at another meet had been posted on YouTube and viewed 150,000 times.

[...]

The wave of attention has steamrolled Stokke and her family in Newport Beach, Calif. She is recognized -- and stared at -- in coffee shops. She locks her doors and tries not to leave the house alone. Her father, Allan Stokke, comes home from his job as a lawyer and searches the Internet. He reads message boards and tries to pick out potential stalkers.

What kind of fear-laden world do parents live in today? I'm guessing that poor Allison had a MySpace page before her "celebrity" status, based upon the fact that she had over 1,000 messages left on her site/page whatever the fuck kids call it. (Hey, that's almost as many people as go to the Oriole's home games. It must be a lot.) So Papa Stokke, where were you when your daughter was setting up a public social networking site online? One with pictures and personal information. Isn't that dangerous by your standards? And to return to the obvious point....Why do this Post piece if you are so worried about the attention? The Post gets many, many, many more hits than any sports blog that posts Allison's picture accompanied by terrifying and sadistic text like:

By targeting his comedic writing to 18- to 35-year-old males, Ufford has built a sports blog that attracts almost 1 million visitors each month. Ufford writes tongue-and-cheek items about the things his readers love: athletes and beautiful women. Stokke qualified as both. She was, therefore, a "no-brainer to write about," Ufford said. He posted her picture and typed a four-paragraph blurb to accompany it. Meet pole vaulter Allison Stokke. . . . Hubba hubba and other grunting sounds

Wait...That's what the guy wrote? Quick question for Baylen--How hard is it to delete our archives? Or at least erase all the "Rob" tags on my archived posts and replace it with "cicero"....Not too hard right? Didn't think so......

Full article here.

Friday Links

Some links for you to digest on this semi-holiday Friday.

AC Milan wins the Champions League Final. Final tally 2-1 over Liverpool. Not nearly as exciting as 2 years ago; however, I saw the score before I had a chance to watch the whole game and still enjoyed the match. In true English fashion, Liverpool supporters leave behind some 98 tons of beer cans, making me wonder how much they trucked out of Pimilco this past weekend for Preakness.

Kevin Durant is one hell of a basketball player. The question: On June 28 is he 1 or 2?

This is an interesting twist on the usual theme parks:

Welcome to Dickens World, a theme park with a difference. If you thought theme parks were all about thrilling roller coaster rides, wolfing down hotdogs and cotton candy, and shaking hands with overgrown mice and goofy dogs, you're in for a rude awakening. Dickens World recreates the filth, squalor, and even the unpleasant whiffs of Victorian London, the city in which Charles Dickens lived and breathed, and wrote so memorably about in "A Tale of Two Cities," "Great Expectations," and "Oliver Twist." It's less a theme park, and more a "grime park."

My only question --- Are you allowed to smoke in this Victorian time capsule?

Senator Kohl -- who sells some incredibly affordable, and wearable clothes for his day job -- is urging the FCC to block the XM/Sirius merger. I'm a big satellite radio guy. Love XM. But I'm on record (and by record I mean I was talking to myself alone while taking a shit one time) as saying that the deal will not go through. Does satellite radio survive without the merger? I think so, or at least one company you would think, but I'm also not sure. The two companies have buried themselves with expensive contracts for talent, and the revenue just isn't there yet. It will be interesting to see how the industry shakes out.

Entertaining Bout

Anyone care to guess on what line in the fight contract Golden Boy Promotions demanded that in the case of a decision, it would have to be split? 'Cause scoring that fight in De La Hoya's favor, even by just one official, can only be excused with the explanation of a pay-off.

Good fight all around; and here's hoping that some network head wakes up and gives Floyd Mayweather and 50 Cent their own 24/7 spin off.

Run down of the fight here.

Opposing Chicago's Olympics Bid

Chicago has a very handsome website set up to hype its bid for the 2016 Olympics. Screw that. I'll take the message touted by anti-Chicago Olympics site Not Chicago.

Not Chicago supports the bids submitted by venues other than Chicago because we would very much prefer that the Olympics be held somewhere other than Chicago -- anywhere but Chicago.... No other city is as well suited to not hosting the Olympics as Chicago.

So far, the city has yet to come up with a mascot. (One Chicagoist commenter, Mr. Beef, suggested last year the mascot be a "Giant Beef Sandwich, we can call him BEEFY!") Not Chicago, though, has Ricky Rat™, who

says he'll be happy to join his millions of fellow Chicago-area rodents in welcoming Olympic athletes and fans to Chicago in 2016 if our campaign is unsuccessful and Chicago is selected as the host city for the Summer Games.

Oddly, neither the city's website nor Not Chicago notes that Chicago was selected on Saturday as one of 6-7 finalists to host the 2016 games.

Worth checking out: the early debate between realists who don't want their tax dollars to fund the Olympic boondoggle and those who are willing to look past the facts just to see their city's name -- and theirs -- in lights.

Finally, if I can add my $.02, I'd love to see the concerns of Chicago libertarians and restaurateurs -- that the city has become the worst kind of nanny in America -- be elucidated when the IOC ultimately decides to turn elsewhere.

That's Some Damn Fine Writing

Chuck Klosterman has written the best column so far this year -- not just his best, the best -- and the best I've ever read on the subject of drugs and sports. Read it here.

Saturday Basketball Blogging

My games for the day:

Xaiver-Ohio State...I'm rooting for Xaiver and it should be a good game. CBS is eating up the rivalry that pits OSU coach Thad Matta against his former team. So far, like every other game I've seen OSU play, I'm unimpressed with their performance, esp with the 47 year old father of Lebron James. When will the media shut up about Oden? HE IS NOT GOOD. If I was 7ft and semi-coordinated I could be a mediocre college basketball player too. Unfortunately I'm 5'2" and have trouble urinating in the toilet...Not sure what I'm suppose to do with those attributes. Have you noticed an anti-Big Ten bias in me yet? I give it to Xavier in my upset pick.

The rest of my games have local interest:

Georgetown-BC...I'm conflicted on this one. I'm a big-time ACC supporter, but I have a special place in my heart for this Georgetown team. I'll go ahead and admit I have them advancing to the Final Four and the Championship Game. Too big and too fast. Not real deep, I know, but every guy on the court is a big time athlete. Advantage Georgetown.

Maryland-Butler..Huge game for us. And by us I mean me. I feel more confident playing Butler than I did Davidson, not to say it couldn't be close. Nothing objective to say here, Maryland wins by 12.

I'll try and do another update before I lose consciousness, but no promises.

UPDATE: Wow. Xaivier up by 9 6:00 left in the game. What a game. Shooting like maniacs, and they still have the option of taking it inside; Oden having 3 fouls.

UPDATE II: Holy Shit...What a fucking game. Wow, what a last minute, big-time ending for OSU. Let me first say that, yes, Oden is not a great player, but he is still a big, strong player for OSU and losing him for OT has to hurt OSU. No way around it. We shall see what happens.

UPDATE III: I can't take this Maryland game. Intense. Looks like (hopefully) Butler shooters are beginning to tire out a bit. Big men for MD are not in foul trouble for once, so if they just keep working it inside and making that outside shot open once and while I feel good. I'm slightly worried that Mike Jones might be hurt. Saw him grab his hamstring and he has been out for some time now. Praying for his health. Someone close to Vasquez needs to tell him to shave that beard. Disgusting.

LAST UPDATE: So much for the MD game. I'm not sure about that last offense call against Strawberry, but what can you do. I'm gonna go get severly fucked up. Been fun. Enjoy the holiday folks.

Basketball Blogging

I was waiting for Wisconsin to get into double-digits to make my first NCAA post of the day....It was quickly becoming apparent that it may not happen. Seriously, anything more disgusting then Big Ten basketball??

Looks like Winthrop is following through nicely on another popular upset, currently leading by 20 points. Anyone else seeing them taking Oregon in the round of 32? I would feel mildly confident.

I'm doing as well as good be expected for it being a Billy Packard Day...As well as could be expected...

My Sports Guy quote for the afternoon:

10:22: North Texas leads by five. Meanwhile, we just spent the last few minutes trying to figure out where else in life the possession arrow could work. JackO thinks they should use it in the Middle East. "The possession arrow for the Gaza Strip points to ... Israel!"

UPDATE: Notre Dame made it close, but Winthrop held them off, what a game. Treated to lines from Ian Eagle (play-by-play guy) like, "THAT'S a Man's JAM!!." I'll say it again, Winthrop looks like a scary team to face. Also, Wisconsin has made a run, (can you call going 6-0 a run? With a Big Ten team you can.) but they still only had 19 points at half-time. What a poop team.

Sporting Nonsense: Chelsea FC Bans Celery, Salad Tossing

I don't know where even to begin. So I'll just let The Guardian take it away, and add some emphasis where appropriate.

Chelsea have banned celery from Stamford Bridge and ordered fans to stop throwing it during matches after the Football Association launched an investigation into instances of salad tossing at their recent matches.

Two referees have now mentioned celery being thrown onto the pitch during their official reports of Chelsea matches, while Arsenal's players complained of being pelted with the vegetable when they tried to take corners during the first half of the Carling Cup final.

Blues fans have been bringing the vegetable to games for over two decades in homage to their terrace chant 'Celery'...

[Ellipsis]

[A team statement] went on to direct fans to a hotline they could call to report others seen carrying celery, promising that "all calls will be treated in confidence".

As if that makes any sense whatsoever, here's the pertinent part of Celery:

Celery, Celery,
If she don't come,
I'll tickle her bum,
With a lump of celery.

A team song that quite possibly constitutes the origin of the salad toss !?!?! Awesome! Sure beats the hell out of some measly, recycled anthem like "We will rock you!" or "Hey, now. You're an all-star!". More salty ole' Chelsea songs here.

All of this leaves me not with a bad taste in my mouth but, instead, with some lingering questions. For instance, is Cel-Ray OK? Do Vanderbilt students laugh every time they see this? Can I buy a beer for the person who captioned The Guardian's celery photo?

One final note for all you current or budding lawyers: I'm captain of Estoppel FC, a soccer team I got together with some fellow students. We're currently 0-0.

Excellent Nike Cricket Ad

DJ, RIP

The best player Larry Bird ever played with, and a pillar of my childhood, died today at 52.

Sports Guy Does Vegas

From his NBA All-Star Weekend thumbs up/down novella at ESPN.com.

...we were in the process of jumping the line when the bouncer stopped me with two words: "No sneakers." As it turned out, I violated [Ceasar's Palace nightclub] Pure's dress code with my Pumas, but it was perfectly acceptable for any woman to show up there with a paper-thin cocktail dress barely covering their butt cheeks, no underwear, and their babymaker hanging out and facing the ground. This was OK. My tennis shoes were not OK. You figure it out.

Good times. More here.

It Ain't Nothing 'Bout Hounddog, It's 'Won't You Be My Ted Baehr?'

State Sen. Phil Berger, North Carolina's "common sense conservative voice" doesn't want his state to give a tax break to a film depicting Dakota Fanning's rape, as this Charlotte Observer op-ed details. I'm fine with that. But he's apparently in favor of using state funds to get films made in the state when he approves of their content.

Why should any state funds go to any filmmakers? If Berger thinks he's a filmmaker, maybe he should find a new line of work.

Regardless of that inconsistency, the real story in the op-ed is the sickening loon Dr. Ted Baehr, and Fanning's reply to all the hullabaloo.

Some critics say putting a 12-year-old in such a role amounts to child abuse. Dr. Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film & Television Commission, wrote, "The sexualization of young children like Dakota is part of the sick ideology of Freudian Marxists, radical feminists, homosexual activists, and perverts who believe ... that all children are born with an innate lust for sexual fulfillment."

[Ellipsis]

The precocious Ms. Fanning reacted to the furor with professional matter-of-factness: "It's a movie," she said, "and it's called acting."

Baehr, who's a toupee away from Michael Medved, runs Movieguide.com, "a ministry dedicated to redeeming the values of the mass media according to biblical principles, by influencing entertainment industry executives..."

Nothing but a link to Hounddog here. We'd previously touched on Ms. Fanning's rape scene here.

The only redeeming (pun intended) thing I found at Baehr's website -- and I can't stress just how redeeming this is -- was a link from ye olde online shoppe to the Christian website of Ted DiBiasi, best known to wrestling fans as The Million Dollar Man. Via (what else?) YouTube, DiBiase against S.D. Jones here, and earlier footage against all-time great The Junkyard Dog here.

Q. What's Sloppier Than This Super Bowl?

A. Maybe a WNBA game. That's about it.

Hump Day Suppertime Threefer

Apologies (and props) to Cicero for the subject header.

Patrick Semmens of The Stogie Guys -- always excellent -- exposes the utter madness behind Virginia's proposed smokefree legislation, which would, with "small exceptions of tobacco shops, tobacco factories, labeled smoking' hotel rooms, and private residences (with caveats on that listed above)... constitut[e] a complete statewide ban on smoking."

Gladiators and herpes. Illinois bans high school wrestling after an outbreak of an aptly named "contagious rash called herpes gladiatorum".

Writing in AFF's new issue of Doublethink, David White rails against the new populism, along with its doughy mouthpice Lou Dobbs, who White brilliantly calls "the personification of its witless reactionary prejudice".