Return of the Drunk Live Blog 2010 SOTU Bitches

So the post-within-the-post live blogging experiment lasted a total of 7 minutes. SUCCESS. So just deal with reading two posts you lazy fucks.

I'd like to point out that on my end this is a drunk live blog. I can't speak for my co-blogger.


8:25 -- DIAL TESTING GROUP MOTHERFUCKERS. Check out CNN's focus group from Ohio. Ugly group of folks. Maybe it's a focus group to find out what ugly people think about the SOTU. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT UGLY PEOPLE THINK.

8:35 -- Holy shit C Everett Coop needs to die. NOW. Anyone else seeing his Health Care Bill ad? He says he has 2 pacemakers, a stint, a bionic arm, a midget acting as his legs, and two glass eyes. He says that in the UK they would line him up in front of the firing squad and kill him. That's a great fucking idea. Health Care reform!

8:36 -- Stimulus Desk CNN style. HIGH TECH SHIT. Hey, those assholes on the stimulus desk don't look like they are working at all.

8:42 -- Not to confuse you people too much but I will be rotating our two blog post to the top of the blog as they update. So the most recently updated post will be on top of the blog. It sounds hard, but sometimes that's what the owner of a highly successful blog must do. MANAGE SHIT.

8:45 -- I've stated this before, but I'd bone Baltimore's own Nancy Pelosi. Not only would I do her, but I'd enjoy it.

8:50 -- Analyst on CNN.."It's mostly incumbents that are in trouble, not just Democrats." That's some dumb shit right there.

9:13 -- I prefer live blogging the commercials on CNN pre-SOTU. SOTU=GAY

9:18 -- Anyone hear that really awkward clap that quickly stopped?
"One thing we all hated was the bank bailout" Yes, yes we did. so why did we do it again? Oh, that's right...to stave off 10% unemployment. Wait...holy shit WE HAVE 10% UNEMPLOYMENT!!

9:20 -- I am Obama the populist monster!! Yes I have a law degree from Harvard, but still...I'm pretty fucking populist. DOWN WITH BANKS!!

9:28 -- How many minutes do we have left? This shit is boring...Did anyone realize that the Joy Behar show is on CNN Headline News? No? Maybe I'll live blog that shit instead.

9:35 -- KITTY BLOGGING. Nothing beats the view of a Tabby cat. Take that CNN dial testing, focus group, mid-western fatasses. YOU HAVE NO CATS.


9:41 -- MEOW

9:49 -- Best part of a 5 hour SOTU? I cans drinks lots of whiskey. GO OBAMA. This is Rob now. I kicked the cat off. He was kinda vulgar.

9:50 -- Ohhh. Let's blame Bush some more. You've been in office for one year mother fucker. "The federal government should tighten its belt" Yes IN 2009.

9:54 -- My GF...excuse me, my fiancee is reading the Gawker live blog, not mine. I say to her, Do they have cats blogging?? NO

10:04 -- I want to make fun of Wolf Blitzer. I want Andersen Cooper to ask TV-less and electricity-less Haitians what they thought of the SOTU. Can we finish the speech already?

1 hour in he gets into terrorism. Which may be the one only legitimate fucking thing they do. Protect us from people who want to blow us up.

10:25 -- Shit finally ended. I'll add my closing thoughts later, but I didn't think it was a very good SOTU. BAD OBAMA.

10:29 -- Bob McDonnell talking in front of a live legislative audience. Think the GOP learned their lesson from Gumby Jindal?

10:33 -- Alright..Archibald is fucking me up with this new post shit for the GOP rebuttal. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.

State Of The Union 2010: From Hope To "Help"

Good evening, folks. I've been away from TtP for a while, so I'll try to make up for that by live-blogging the president's State of the Union address tonight. How will the Supremely Chill One spin the generally crappy state of the economy, his stalled legislative agenda and the fact that the Saints somehow made it to the Superbowl? Stay tuned ...

Update, 7:53 pm -- Okay, here is the TtP SOTU drinking game rules. Drink every time the Leader of the Free World:

1- Says Americans want Washington to act all bipartisan ... by passing his agenda.

2- Says the health care reform bill is just too important to the American people to be abandoned.

3- Attacks Wall Street greed.

4- Says he made some mistakes, then immediately glosses past them.

5- Says he will fight for American jobs.

6- Says we are failing future generations by not getting the nation's finances in order.

There, that should leave all of you as wrecked as Haiti by the time the speech is over.

Update 8:17 p.m. -- CNN reports the first real news of the evening: Obama may call for the end of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy tonight. As somebody who is neither gay nor in the military, this doesn't really concern me much, but if a gay dude wants to pick up a rifle and shoot terrorists I am not going to object. Heck, I've met lesbians who were at least scary as anything on HBO's Oz. Why not send them to Afghanistan or where ever the fighting is?

Update 8:23 p.m. -- In case this evening wasn't enough of a downer, Anderson Cooper says the Haitian government is no longer bothering to bury the country's dead. They are just dumping them by the side of the road.

Update 8:26 p.m. -- Rob, on Twitter: "is that anderson coopers boyfriend? oh...it's just sanjay gupta."

Update 8:32 p.m. -- CNN notes that while this is Obama's first State of the
Union address, this is the third (or was it fourth?) time he has spoken to a joint session of Congress. Hmm ... Well, you cannot say he is not getting his message out. Double hmm, maybe that is his problem ...

Update 8:36 p.m. -- Whoa, Dr. C. Everett "Wear a condom" Koop just appeared in an ad basically echoing Sarah Palin's Democrats-want-to-create-death-panels argument. My thoughts on the subject here.

Update 8:40 p.m. -- For the record, I am drinking Miller Light while watching this. Why? 'Cause it is recession, dammit. As I write this, CNN is showing the presidential limo. Nice to know he is doing well, though I am a little disappointed that he has not pimped the limo out a little more. Of course, it is hard to beat basic black.

Update 8:44 p.m. -- Just saw an Allstate commercial starring that black guy who played the president on "24". If I get drunker and they keep running that ad this could get confusing.

Update 8:48 p.m. -- Just saw Al Franken on the floor. I keep forgetting that Stuart Smalley really is a senator now. Do you think that if Chris Farley had lived, he could have made it to Washington? He couldn't possible be worse than our current chief of homeland security.

Update 8:56 p.m. -- The glare from Joe Biden's forehead is distracting.

Update 8:59 p.m. -- Oh, shit. CNN just said the speech will run 70-75 minutes. Time to break out the whiskey after all. This is going to be an ass-number.

Update 9:02 p.m. -- Hey, did you know that Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor is a Latina? Damn, how did I miss that?

Update 9:05 p.m. -- Rob on Twitter: "the housing sec is the guy who leads the country if someone blows up the capitol??"

Update 9:07 p.m. -- So, was Bill Bennett the guy who played Norm on "Cheers"? I forget ...

Update 9:09 p.m. -- Okay, the Supremely Chill One has arrived. And we are off ...

Update 9:10 p.m. -- I don't know why, but Mrs. Obama looks pissed.

Update 9:13 p.m. -- Rob says he'd bone Nancy Pelosi. Well, that makes one of us.

Update 9:15 p.m. -- "... and my fellow Americans." What, no shout-out to his homeboys back in Illinois?

Update 9:16 p.m. -- "One year ago I took office in the midst of two wars ..." Which, ahem, are still ongoing ...

Update 9:17 p.m. -- So, the American people want Congress to work together. Drink.

Update 9:18 p.m. -- "It is time Americans get a government that matches their decency." Oh, shit, not that ...

Update 9:19 p.m. -- So he hated, hated the bank bailout but had no choice but to do it? If only he could get elected to some prominent political position where he could figure out some alternative way of dealing with the problem.

Update 9:22 p.m. -- "Let me repeat: We cut taxes." You didn't cut mine, buddy.

Update 9:23 p.m. -- So, we are on track to add one million jobs by the end of the year? Well, I am so fucking glad we spent that $787 BILLION to get one million jobs. What a deal that was!

Update 9:30 p.m. -- "These steps won't make up for the 7 million jobs that have been lost." Then what the fuck are we all doing here listening to you?

Update 9:35 p.m. -- "I am not interested in punishing banks ... but we can not allow financial institutions to take risks with our economy." Well, which is it? Are they evil or not?

Update 9:37 p.m. -- Okay he's giving it up for nuclear power AND offshore drilling? Maybe he really is getting past the old politics ... Oh, no, wait it's just window dressing for a climate change bill. Hello, skyrocketing energy bills.

Update 9:42 p.m. -- He is for free trade but only when our trading partners are playing by the rules, i.e., when the industries that contribute to political campaigns are not facing pesky competition from countries that want to sell the same thing to American consumers, only cheaper.

Update 9:45 p.m. -- "That is why we are doubling the child care tax credit ... " And those of us who don't have kids? Hello? Helloooooo?

Update 9:47 p.m. -- The health care bill will bring down the deficit? Bullshit.

Update 9:51 p.m. -- Again, he says any problems are all Bush's fault. Okay, Bush was loser, but, hey, you did ask for this job. Don't give us that weaselly everything was wrong before I walked in the door line.

Update 9:55 p.m. -- So, the budget freeze won't take place until next year? This is on top of that fact that it excludes defense spending, entitlements like Social Security and Medicare and isn't even across the board on what remains. So in what sense is this even a freeze? And even then the Democrats are acting like he just took a piss in the punchbowl.

Upfront 9:59 p.m. -- So now he is all about openness and limiting lobbyist influence? I don't buy it.

Update 10:04 p.m. -- CNN just just followed his lines about renewing the focus on our national security will a shot of Janet Napolitano looking like she has to get Daddy to sign her straight F report card.

Update 10:09 p.m. -- "We will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by August." Umm, combat troops? Not just troops? Am I reading too much into that?

Update 10:10 p.m. -- "That is why North Korea is more isolated." Are they so isolated that they are feeling ronrey, so ronrey? Sorry, I know that was dumb, but frankly I got nothing. This speech mind-numbingly dull and as well as longer than John Holmes' penis.

Update 10:13 p.m. --His Justice Department is prosecuting more civil rights cases against business and beefing up hate crimes statutes. Well, thank goodness he is not pushing that big government agenda all those right-wing nuts keep complaining about.

Update 10:16 -- No, Mr. President we are not too cynical. We are not cynical enough ...

Update 10:18 p.m. -- "What keeps me going is that that sense of determination ... that core decency, lives on." Yeah, what keeps me going is Jameson, neat.

Update 10:22 p.m. -- And that is it. And now he is off to the White House to break out the Courvoisier and En Vouge albums.

The GOP Rebuttal: We Still Suck But We Are Not Responsible

Okay, now time for the GOP response, featuring the new governor of my state, Virginia. I am not sure but I think his name is Ken Doll.

Update 10:31 p.m. -- I just saw a black person in the room with the Republicans. One of the 5 or 6 in the party.

Update 10:32 p.m. -- He says even his sons are watching SportsCenter instead.

Update 10:34 p.m. -- And hey there is an Asian guy on the right! See, they are too diverse! I think he is the driver.

Update 10:36 p.m. -- Solutions.gop.gov. Now, why wasn't that website snatched up before now?

Update 10:38 p.m. -- Wow, off shore drilling gets these people hot. Me, I'd like to get a yacht and do some offshore drilling on Natalie Portman.

Update 10:40 p.m. -- My daughter is a Marine. Kick ass.

Update 10:41 p.m. -- Underwear bomber, bad. Okay, check, got that.

Update 10:42 p.m. -- "Where opportunity is unequal, we must make it open to everyone." Well, so much for keeping government from being intrusive.

Update 10:43 p.m. -- Wait, that is it? It is over? Wow, he must really want to catch Jon Stewart.

We Must Be Getting To The End Because The Fat Ladies Are Singing

Now to the CNN focus group, where the official CNN focus group hottie talks to a bunch of ordinary Americans who just happen to be in that television studio.

Update 10:59 p.m. -- I find it ironic that the CNN State of the Union coverage is brought to me by Koons Nissan and Toyota.

Update 11:01 p.m. -- Anderson Cooper oddly unexcited by the Don't Ask, Don't Tell announcement.

Update 11:02 p.m. -- CNN's Candy Crowley: "He is a president who often leaves things open to interpretation." Well put, Candy.

Update 11:07 p.m. -- I would so do Soledad O'Brien.

Update 11:09 p.m. -- Obama advisor David Axelrod: soul of an accountant in the body of a high school guidance counselor with the mind of a Washington Bureaucrat.

Update 11:12 p.m. -- Oil Billionaire T. Boone Pickens appears in an ad to get Americans to move forward on energy, i.e., give him federal subsidies for his windfarms. Oh, come on. You're a rich asshole. Fund it yourself if it is such a great fucking idea.

Update 11:15 p.m. -- Mary Matlin and James Carville are not real. They are cartoons. He sounds like Foghorn Leghorn and looks the result of some unholy human/lizard interbreeding. And if his wife gets one more face-lift, she'll have a beard.

Update 11:23 p.m. -- Anderson Cooper just happens to be wearing a t-shirt that shows off his biceps. Funny how these things happen.

Update 11:26 p.m. -- Gupta notes that the president referred to health insurance reform not health care reform. Hmmm ...

Update 11:32 p.m. -- National Review's Ramesh Ponnuru on why insurance reform is next to impossible.

FINAL THOUGHTS -- Aside from the Don't Ask, Don't Tell stuff, this was a boring rehash of things Obama has said several times before. In two weeks nobody will even remember this speech. Me, I'm going to bed ...

So If Last Night Was a Democratic Pep Rally, Does That Make Joe Biden the Mascot?

I watched a good portion of last night's quasi-SOTU. And by good, I don't mean that I watched anything that would qualify as "good", only that I watched most of the sophomoric show in between the LSU - Florida basketball game.

An important caveat -- A mistake was made in staying sober. I wasn't at my house and only had access to a few glasses of wine. No pills, nothing to smoke, no hard liquor. How anyone actually watches one of these things sober is beyond me. Turns out there are a lot of things you miss when slipping in and out of alcohol and barbiturates induced comas. But don't get me wrong -- you're better off for it. My thoughts from last night:

--What the fuck was Nancy Pelosi wearing? The morning-beer-shits-color straitjacket she had on last night was hideous and off putting to even this observer who usually finds the lady and her massive boobies quite attractive. Put the outfit together with a level of exuberance that was downright offensive after what she's done to the American taxpayer recently and it was very hard to watch her behind the president.

--Is Joe Biden the dumbest guy on earth? I think so. He's a caricature of Joe Biden. The grin and finger points to the crowd, he's obnoxious like no other. And what the fuck was with Obama saying, "No one messes with Joe!". Seriously, this is supposed to be a serious speech during a serious time and he gives a shout-out to the goofy VP? What a joke.

--Were we supposed to feel better about the $1 trillion that was just taken from us, when Obama confirmed that Joe Biden would be overseeing the stimulus raping of America investment and recovery act? 'Cause I don't.

--How long can Obama get away with blaming Bush and a former Republican congress for deficit? You would think it would be hard to do when you've signed off on spending in you're first month like no other president has ever done. Basically I'm making Nick Gillespie's point that he made so well.

--We learned you're against America if you drop out of high school.

--Solar panels and windmills are still going to be the drivers of tomorrow's jobs. Let me repeat: Solar panels and windmills...

--Did anyone hear anything about free trade? Honest question. I might have missed it. I definitely heard one reference to companies that ship our jobs overseas.

--More and more Obama strikes me as the prototypical pragmatic office bureaucrat that forces me to sit in hour long meetings about carpet. Anyone else get this vibe? I'm using pragmatic in a pejorative manner. I think anyone who considers themselves a pragmatist is usually worthless. So Obama will have lots of meetings with lots of breakout sessions where people will talk about a lot of things that will never happen. All just to repeat mistakes made 40 years ago. Great.

Whiskey Blogging the State of the Union

Yes, I saw this. I don't have much to add to what Rogier said, other than it was CICERO who wrote it. CICERO. C-I-C-E-R-O. Anything more serious about it (or less serious), I'll say tomorrow. Now, on to the State of the Union!

9:15--Something about it's tax season, ends with -- "The IRS accepts both checks and money orders" ZING! George Bush scores a joke about the plundering of Americans. Good one!*

Some stuff about earmarks. I say what about the other billions of dollars that are wastefully spend on government spending. Like the Department of Education. Or the NEA. Or the ONDCP.

9:25--I see the Senate's couple, Teddy and Obama, are sitting together in the front, towards Bush's right. When you get a profile shot of Bush from the left you can see them. I must say they are awfully cute.

9:35--Immigration. "Uh, I really fucked up with that whole comprehensive immigration bill. Really misread my base, and Democrats were more than willing to let us Republicans kick each other in the balls. So I'm going to talk with really empty rhetoric for about 4 minutes about immigration, and not really say anything."

Me: I'm paraphrasing here, but it was something close to that.

9:37--I missed the last 4 minutes, but I did catch, "we will deliver justice to our enemies." Does it really even matter what came before it?

9:39--Looks like Nancy Pelosi is reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

9:45--A lot of time on Iraq. Surge has been working, this enemy will be defeated. I think some guy yelled "You're wrong" in the crowd." Anyone else catch it? Go figure. I'm taking a smoke break. I'll be back in 15. Here's to hoping I don't miss a Pelosi boobey flash. God they are fabulous for her age.

10:05--Was Bush just talking about the Constitution. He knows what that is? How about the rest of the hall? I saw a bunch of confused looks...

*I just heard the guys on Fox say Bush made this joke adressing people who want to see a tax cut saying, "they are free to send more money in. THe IRS takes checks and money orders." I apologize to the President, in case he checks out TtP late-night.