From Sea to Shining Sea, We Shall Be Testicle Free

First Maryland then Virginia, now Florida -- Lawmakers across the country will not rest until hanging plastic testicles on the back your truck is outlawed. The Tallahassee Democrat:

The Florida Senate on Thursday passed an amendment to impose a $60 fine on Truck Nutz, one brand name for the novelty item on vehicle trailer hitches that resemble the dangling southern end of a northbound bull.

The proposal would make displaying bull genitalia reproductions on a vehicle subject to a $60 fine, moving violations and points against a driver license.

The Coming Wars on Hanging Testicles

Some stupid Maryland legislator gave it a go last year, now an equally stupid Virginia legislator does the same and introduces a bill to ban hanging testicles from the back of trucks.

Here's hoping that a blow will be dealt to those that would try to limit the testicle displaying rights of real American men across this fine country. March on with testicles proudly displayed men, and show these lawmakers what we are fighting for in Iraq. Freedom. Freedom to hang plastic testicles from the back of your pick-up truck....One day I hope to see a world where little Iraqi children ride in their Dad's Toyota with red, hanging testicles dangling from behind. THAT will be the victory.

Thanks to Sean Higgins for the tip.

This Just Plain Isn't News

A good thing about being in Japan is that I get to be drunk on Friday night before you homelanders even start your Friday workday.

But as I turned on CNN tonight, I hear the big breaking news story that 10 pro wrestlers from the WWE tested positive for steroids and/or other drugs.

Well, I'm going to go ahead and file this story in my "Well, No Shit" folder. Seriously, is anyone surprised by this? Is anyone disappointed?

I'm not a wrestling fan, but the "news" that pro wrestles are on steroids kind of strikes me as would the news that Miss America contestants wear make-up.

What's the big deal? These guys have decided that the benefits outweigh the costs for them. Some are surely making millions. And they surely have heard by now the downside of using steroids. Let them make their own choice, and if their testicles shrink to the size of BBs later, then that's their own problem.

Dog Scrotum + Kids' Novel = Controversy

What's a dog's scrotum doing in an award-winning children's book? Getting bitten by a rattlesnake. Ouch.

Sammy told of the day when he had drunk half a gallon of rum listening to Johnny Cash all morning in his parked '62 Cadillac, then fallen out of the car when he saw a rattlesnake on the passenger seat biting his dog, Roy, on the scrotum.

That's a great fucking passage in any novel -- for kids or adults.

Naturally, the presence of the s-word is driving some librarians nuts and giving rise to some ballsy defenses on college campuses, in the alternative press, and in anti-censorship circles.

The New Yorker, which rarely makes me laugh, unless featuring a talking dog in a cartoon, positively runs with the idea of bad words in surprising places in kids' novels, to hysterical effect.

“The Lonely Little Moonbeam”

The lonely little moonbeam would sleep all day, and then wake up and shine all night long, to guide people on their way. But he was lonely, because people never looked up and smiled at him. They were too busy performing fellatio.

Reminds me of when I was 7 or 8 and read a Stephen King book on a winter vacation in Florida. The word pubic kept popping up in one scene, and I read it as public. And let me tell you, I had a hard time trying to figure out what public hair was. Eventually I did, though I wasn't scarred. I had a laugh instead.

Why Do We Keep TtP Reader Davey Allday Around?

Because he says stories like this remind him of himself:

Man burns genitals in "Jackass" stunt.

Refridgerator will toss you can of beer.

If I Was a Transexual Like Ann Coulter I Probably Wouldn't Call Other People Faggot

OK. I've been sick since last Wednesday. For days I could barely talk. I don't say this to get sympathy. I say it in case there are any hot women out there with sick guy fetishes. You can take care of me all night long. Well, not all night long. Just until my Theraflu kicks in, then I have to take a nap. Anyways, I've been in a Theraflu-Percocet-induced psychosis the past couple of days and missed the controversy around Ann Coulter's use of what I guess I'm now supposed to refer to as the F-word used to insult gays. Baylen has a good wrap-up of the fall-out below. For my part, I got caught up by reading Howard Kurtz's latest column in the Washington Post, The Long Fuse on Ann Coulter's Bomb. It's quite good.

My only complaint is that Kurtz never actually uses the word that Ann Coulter used to describe John Edwards - "faggot". Instead he refers to it as "an anti-gay crack" (wrong, it was an anti-Edwards crack), "a six-letter word offensive to gays" and "[expletive]" (uh, OK now I really know what you're talking about). Seriously, in a 1,000 word column he doesn't once tell his audience what Ann Coulter actually said. Why? Is he afraid he'll get hate mail from gays offended that he put the word faggot in writing? What a pussy. Or has the word faggot really become the new N-word, something so inherently offensive that it's completely banned from being used under any circumstance, including to relay a story about someones use of the word. If so, this gets at exactly what Coulter was expressing concern about, the rise of a gay rights fascism that seeks to make any criticism of the gay lifestyle a civil rights violation that should be punished by ostracism and censorship if not actual legal action. Given how quick "Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington was forced to undergo "treatment" for using the word faggot there's an element of truth in Coulter's statement that it has now become dangerously politically incorrect to call John Edwards a faggot. And that's a shame. Because Edwards is a faggot. I mean he sucks balls. Not literally. But he is a Marxist douche bag. Which is what Coulter should have called him instead of faggot a word that some people are offended by.

AHHHH!! TESTICLES!! AHHHH!!

From the Post Metro section.

As the General Assembly debates global warming and the death penalty, Myers (R-Washington) has something else on his mind: the outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups

[ellipsis]

His bill would prohibit motorists from displaying anything resembling or depicting "anatomically correct" or "less than completely and opaquely covered" human or animal genitals, human buttocks or female breasts. The offense would carry a penalty.

Wait for it...Wait for it...

"We have a governor whose agenda is, 'Let's make us the best,' " the delegate said. "So let's clean up what our children are seeing on our roads."

There we go. For the children, it's always for the children. Luckily for the sake of humor the testicle ornament industry is fighting back, even though this bill has about zero chance of getting out of committee.

"It's not a perverted sexual thing at all," said David Ham, founder of Your Nutz, a San Diego-based business that sells more than 200 kinds of fake testicles. "It's a sense of humor. This lawmaker is looking out for two or three old women in tennis shoes. He's got too much time on his hands."

He said those who support a ban would do well to recall that 50 years ago, many people in the nation lived on farms. "Did all the little donkeys and sheep walk around with their panties on so children wouldn't see their bodies?" he asked.

Donkeys and sheep in panties. Who isn't turned on by that image?

Full article here.

The Brazilian Wax for Men

Because there are apparently some over-the-hill (read: post-pubescent) men who wish to appeal to the NAMBLA crowd, the pube-free Brazilian wax isn't just for women anymore.

Links here and here led me to at first believe it to be a Pacific Rim phenomenon. (And by "Pacific Rim", I mean "Pacific Rim", and not some sort of euphimism, you sicko.)

Not so. As Just For You Salon & Spa salon in Tempe, Az. notes, it provides men with a Brazilian wax that takes off "everything but the testicle hair" -- a quote that could in turn be adopted as a great name update for a band.

Christ. If men are getting their little Ronaldinhos waxed in fucking Tempe, it's a good bet it's happening in just about any old Salon.

Finally, in what may be the worst. imagery. ever., Chris Hitchens momentarily waxes poetic prosaic about the Brazilian wax for men here.