The Story That Makes You Want To Poop All Over America

I hate America. WSJ:

PALMDALE, Calif. -- Schoolteacher Shana Richey misses the playroom she decorated with Glamour Girl decals for her daughters. Fireman Jay Fernandez misses the custom putting green he installed in his backyard.

But ever since they quit paying their mortgages and walked away from their homes, they've discovered that giving up on the American dream has its benefits.

Both now live on the 3100 block of Club Rancho Drive in Palmdale, where a terrible housing market lets them rent luxurious homes -- one with a pool for the kids, the other with a golf-course view -- for a fraction of their former monthly payments.

I WANT YOU BOTH TO DIE.

Both these assholes also get free coffee once a month at Dunkin Donuts. When's free coffee day for Underpaid Non-Profit Workers?? Never, that's when. Fuck you Dunkin Donuts. I'll take Caribou's over-priced coffee any day of the week over your Indian inspired brown water.

Houses for free, coffee for free. Pensions that non public-sector employees could only dream of. I mean that. I dream of guaranteed pensions and retirement. Kitties too. [Speaking of cats....Have any of you seen this? The Furminator. Probably the most bad-ass invention ever. Review to follow after my old lady and I are rolling around in piles of fur on our bed, like mountains of $100 bills.] All these riches made possible by the ass-sweat of renters and taxpayers alike.

You can't even call them stupid for spending like a Caligula and buying (I'll use that term loosely in this case) homes they couldn't afford AND doubling up on the debt with improvements like putting greens and helicopter landing pads, or whatever it is that stupid white people put in their homes. No, people like me are the ones left looking like idiots in this equation. I rent an apartment that is roughly the size of my cube here at work. Roughly...The cube may be a little bit bigger. And has better heat.

These assholes not only walk away from hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt but also get to rent houses with pools and access to golf courses. FUCK YOU. These people should be thrown in jail. It's stealing, plain and simple. From the bank, and from the taxpayers who are subsidizing this madness. I don't care what their credit will look like, that's no punishment. I want to see them behind bars. If we live in a country that throws people in jail for smoking I think it's only fair that this type of behavior is punished just as harshly. It's hurting a lot more people than marijuana smoke could ever hope to.

If nothing else at least these people are cutting back once they have thrown the debt off their shoulders...Right?

Some are leaving behind their homes and mortgages right away, while others are simply halting payments until the bank kicks them out. That's freeing up cash to use in other ways.

Ms. Richey's family of five used some of the money to buy season tickets to Disneyland, and plans to take a Carnival cruise to Mexico in March. Mr. Fernandez takes his girlfriend out to dinner more frequently. "We're saving lots of money," Ms. Richey says.

*Sigh*...Motherfuckers.

Via City Paper where some good, and not-quite-as-angry comments are made.

When Not To Call the Police

Tip to all you TtP readers/mothers out there: If you are 8 beers deep, have 2 small children covered in their own feces, pregnant with another one, and can't find your wallet -- it might not be a good idea to call the police to help you find your missing wallet.

From...You guessed it, Long Island:

A drunk pregnant woman was arrested at her New Cassel home yesterday when officers found her twin 2-year-old daughters there partially clothed amid feces and broken glass, police said.

Ann Mendoza, 42, had called police to her home at 635 Broadway about 10:30 a.m. because she said she could not find her wallet, police said. When officers arrived, there was a strong odor of alcohol on her breath, police said, and Mendoza admitted to drinking eight beers.

It's Stupid Tuesday in Wisconsin

Jesus Christ. Try doing a little legwork before you show up to vote. Like figuring out on what day you vote.

Super Tuesday, the biggest primary day of the year. 24 states making their decisions on Democratic and Republican nominations for President.

But Wisconsin isn't one of those states.

Apparently, Ethel Goodwin didn't get the message when she saw a Today's TMJ4 story on Super Tuesday.

"We were listening to the news and they were saying that Super Tuesday, and all the state, I figured that included Wisconsin," said Goodwin.

"Probably, I just misunderstood."

She wasn't alone at her local polling place, 53rd Street School on Milwaukee's north side.

"There were about six to 10 other people standing outside waiting to go in, also, at 6:30."

Brilliant. Full story here.

Most People Go to the WaPost for Hard News and Commentary. Me? I'm Just there for the Facebook Articles

Can one ever get enough of the Facebook and "social networking" space fillers? I sure hope not, because I blog on everyone of them. Every single last one of them. Without them how would I know that 75% of college cellphone users send and receive text messages? Or that a lot of people between the ages of 18-25 use e-mail? Bet you didn't know that. Or that fat girls prefer to meet people online first? 'Cause I've never boned a fat chick that I met online. Never. Ever. And if I did she would probably just be considered big boned with huge breast. And not really fat....Either way, enjoy reading another pointless, major newspaper story about the current generation and their obsession with being "connected" all day long. I'll leave you with a the only part of the article that I can identify with.

In some cases, Cohen says, technology itself is the old friend from home: Online games, porn and social networking sites can be seductive de-stressors that interfere with face-to-face interaction.

Outrages and Oddities

**Man uses stolen credit card at pharmacy, gets low bond from judge because he can recite a psalm.

**In Oregon, it's OK to have medical marijuana in your home. Just don't move.

**Better stock up on the vitamin water, herbal tea, and massage oil, since you might need a prescription for them pretty soon.

**Meet Milka Duno, a Sandra Bullock lookalike and top driver for Hugo Chavez Racing.

**Pop Candy points out this guy, who's blogging about every R.E.M. song ever. Whitney comes up with a list of her R.E.M. faves. My quick top 5: Life and How to Live It, Man on the Moon, Begin the Begin, Voice of Harold, Ages of You.

**"Nick F." gets paid to poop in a box.

She has the Gestation Period of an Elephant; Other than that, Her Story Checks Out

I've always had a sneaking suspicion that some of the homeless people I see on the streets could be there out of laziness and sheer unwillingness to act as a functioning adult. I'm not saying that this one case, of some semi-homeless woman who claims to have had a 13-month pregnancy, proves my point or anything, but you can read the story, laugh and form your own opinion.

Nine months after the homeless family slept in a shelter lobby and kept their belongings stuffed in shopping carts, the Couillards seem to be trying hard to still their wandering, to give the girls a place to come home to and teachers who see them every day.

It's a struggle, though.

[...]

They have an apartment, but there's never a good time to show it off.

Lee Couillard said he has a job, but he is spotted at home in the afternoon. The baby that Connie said was due in December never made an appearance.

[...]

The Couillards are among the hardest of cases social workers describe as the chronically homeless.

Connie calls it bad luck. They frequently lose jobs, fall behind on rent and eventually get evicted.

[...]

He [Lee, the husband] smelled of beer and cigarettes as he stood shirtless in the hallway of the Tampa Heights four-plex, where the Couillards pay $700 a month for a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment.

His cell phone rang. The Couillards have two cell phones.

"Soon, we'll have cable," Lee said, stepping inside to take the call. The door shut behind him. The place is a mess, he said when he returned to the hall. Connie would kill him if he let anyone in.

Heh. "Chronically Homeless". Maybe it's a disease that we can treat!

Read the full article; my excerpts do no justice for the wonderfully skeptical mood of the piece.

Happy 75th to Cheeta, Who is Apparently Gay

I've always found it existentially jarring that film star Cheeta the chimp only played a chimp named Cheeta in films. Before you wrap your head around that and other Cheeta minutiae, it's time to wish the world's oldest chimp a happy 75th birthday.

Cheeta, whose coat is now peppered with grey hair, marked the occasion with a party featuring sugar-free cake and diet soft drinks in the California desert town of Palm Springs, famous as a retirement community for old movie stars.

He has lived there with his trainer for the past 16 years.

[Ellipsis]

Mr Westall said there was plenty of life left in the veteran actor, adding: "He likes to go to the drive-through and get a hamburger."

More -- including word Cheeta's diabetic -- here. Nauseating NBC 11 shot of Cheeta snogging said trainer here.

On a personal note, it's my sister's 27th birthday today. She's deathly afraid of monkeys (to the extent that she named her cat "Monkey" in an unsuccessful attempt to conquer her fear). Happy birthday, Brit.

'Test Monkey'? Isn't He the Angels' Mascot?

Doug Supernaw, a country singer who scored a hit covering the Kenny Rogers song "I Don't Call Him Daddy," is in a bit of legal trouble.

In a pretrial hearing, Supernaw, 46, listed off police agencies that he said had beaten him to ruin his recording career and his chances at a baseball career.

"It has been a political economic conspiracy, and I have proved it time and time and time again," he told Brazos County Court Judge Jim Locke. Supernaw said the abuse started when he was "held hostage in Paris" in a "mentally retarded home for terrorists" for two weeks in 2002.

Locke sent the jury pool home after the statements from Supernaw, who also claimed that he was a "test monkey" to see if someone could smoke marijuana and play baseball at the same time.

I want in on that whole test monkey thing. Me, Supernaw, and pot-pancake pitching pioneer Bill Lee having a game of catch. More here.

Not Your Grandfather's NASCAR... Actually, Man, On Second Thought...

This one's not from Fark's Florida files, but sure could be (emphasis mine).

Rachel Lyndsee Otto, 21, of Boca Raton, allegedly pulled over Michael Mellin on Tuesday and ordered the man out of a car and handcuffed him, police said.

[Ellispis]

Mellin told police that Otto walked over to his car and asked him for his driver's license and registration, police said. Mellin said he saw Otto, who he thought was a man, put on a utility belt. Police said the belt contained mace and handcuffs.

Boca Raton police arrived and recognized Otto, who has been arrested nine times since 2004, the Palm Beach Post reported. She told Boca police that she was making a citizen's arrest because the man had cut her off in a road-rage incident.

A woman who was a passenger in Otto's vehicle was also questioned by police. The woman told him that she had been living with Otto for a week and thought she was a man, according to police.

A man who had been assisting Otto was also questioned. The man told police he had pulled over to help Otto because he believed he was assisting a man from the sheriff's office make an arrest, according to police.

Otto, a computer web designer, is the granddaughter of NASCAR co-founder Edgar Otto.

Jesus, man. The Local 10 article headline, by the way, is "That's not the granddaughter of NASCAR co-founder Edgar Otto! It's a maaan, baby!"